How did you....

What I would define now as being blessed, is what I considered then a natural response to my greatness. I mean an attractive, extroverted female of 19 was all but great to anyone she came across, right? Any self-centered 19 yr old would tell you the same.

Early evening, I’d arrived upon my brothers’ doorstep. I’d packed up from where I lived in L.A. I left my job as an AT&T long distance operator as a result of dating the men with whom I was connecting person to person calls. In giving out my telephone number, I was led through adventures with celebrities in mansions and plates full of cocaine. This new lifestyle superseded any desire for a work shift. Alas, it ended in a seedy West Hollywood hotel, I was broke and without a friend. I went back to my childhood home to regroup with all but 40 cents to my name.

My brother has always been quite frugal in regards to money or in this case food. I recall a time when we were of elementary school age he asked me for some of my candy which I shared without a thought. The time came when he was holding our favorite M&M’s and when I asked him for some he denied me. My mom who was present told me, “Just remember what he did, and next time he asks you don’t share with him either!” When I mentioned this to my mom later in life she said she couldn’t believe she’d told me that. I never did adhere to her advice, I’d always give to my brother, offering freely or sharing whenever he asked.

I’d still not learned the lesson of my brothers’ frugality. That evening, newly arrived, I assumed I was a welcomed presence; after all I’d been living out of town for quite some time. Hungry, I saw some cereal on the counter and milk in the fridge. I sought to ask him for some of his milk and he answered no, that he wouldn’t have any left for himself in the morning. How could he deny me, really? I couldn’t believe it! “Well,” I asked, “If you’re low on milk I can go buy us some except I only have 40 cents.” My brother responded, “That’s ok.” That’s ok? What? Like in that’s ok he’s good and doesn’t need me to buy him milk or that’s ok, he has enough milk for himself for tomorrow morning so no he won’t give me any money to buy some and share with me. “Fine!” I said, and I stormed out of the house, walking to the grocery store with my 40 cents. I was walking mind you, considering my car had been running on gas fumes since leaving L.A.

First, I arrived at the grocery store. It was evening on a week night with only the stockers on the floor. I confidently began shopping, picking up bagels, some cream cheese and a quart of milk. I headed for the nearest cash register. The guy working down the aisle approached and rang me up. Once he announced the total I held out my hand showing him I only had 40 cents. He said keep it and bagged up my groceries.

I can’t tell you how grateful I felt. On one hand I was incredibly thankful but on the other hand I was feeling my greatness and it gave me a sense of invincibility so, I proceeded on to the Doughnut Store. Yep, I figured I still had 40 cents to spend and assuredly could buy a doughnut. I entered and saw the end of the night’s choices. The worker asked what I wanted and I told him I only had 40 cents. He said tell me what you want anyway. The only doughnuts I cared to eat were the Boston cream and Apple Fritter. Both were expensive but he placed them in a bag along with a glazed doughnut, I guess he saw me eyeing those. He told me to have a good night. Again, like the grocery clerk before, he refused to take my 40 cents.

 It smelled so good in the doughnut shop, before exiting, I asked him how they make doughnuts and he told me I was welcome to come the next morning and learn. I found out he was the owner. He said he needed some help if I wanted a job, so of course I said yes! For me, I was all up for a new adventure in learning to make doughnuts. Nowhere in my mind had I the thought I actually needed the job considering I was broke.

I walked in to the house and my brother saw me with a bag in each hand. I sat down on the couch opposite of him and began pulling out the doughnuts and milk. I began to eat and drink. In between bites I mentioned that I’d gotten a job at the doughnut place and was excited to learn how to make doughnuts.

As a 19 year old, at that time of my life I survived in my “greatness” through being pretty, smiling big and telling people how awesome I was! But I also had in me at that time and now, the natural feeling of being blessed. That in fact things happen in spite of ourselves. That we are at times provided for through unexplainable means. Gratitude and thankfulness ran concurrently in my 19 year old self centeredness. Today I’m more inclined to recognize the lesson to be learned and I’d hoped through this experience that my brother in his frugality had learned one.

I want to believe that what followed was my brothers’ intent to ask forgiveness. I’d hoped he saw that something miraculous happened either by my infinite greatness or the cosmos, perhaps a higher power or what have you that smiled upon me in my dire of circumstances. If only I could know that showing up with doughnuts and bagels would prove my worthiness to my brother? Now that I had my own milk was he seeing me as a contributor instead of a leech? Maybe he wanted me to share the doughnuts and knowingly I’d never say no. Was it a means to secure all of that or something else I hadn’t thought of?  If not for anything, I gained a little satisfaction when I pulled out of my pocket the 40 cents and placed it on the coffee table. With a puzzled look in his almost speechlessness my brother said, “How did you…?”