A love never forgotten

Trigger warning; Suicide, self harm, mental health, substance abuse, mentions of abuse, family problems.

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One after another, the drinks went down. I drank while looking over the city lights, sighing as I knew this would be the last time. Whiskey, Liquor, Vodka, all of it. It was like my best friend who would take you places as long as you paid- except in my case the only place it would take me is a stranger's apartment with a pounding headache and no sense of direction. 

The alcohol was an old friend, someone I'd trusted for years. As a teenager, at only 15 years old, I started stealing my fathers drinks. Beer. Some nights it was one or two, other nights I'd be downing five or six. I'd go to school tipsy and other days with a hangover worse than any other kind of pain I'd been through. 

Well.

Besides the pain of losing the one person you lived for.

Leviathan.

LeeLee was the most important person to me. They were so kind and gentle to me, they never left me for someone else. They kept me safe and always asked if I had eaten and drank. On days when my mom was particularly furious and aggressive Leviathan would let me go over. I still remember the day that I fell in love with them.

All it took was one text “my moms yelling, this time she's throwing things. I might not be at school tomorrow xx” within minutes of sending the message there was a knock at my window and they quickly helped me escape. I stayed at their place for the night while I texted my mother  that I was going to stay over at my friend Max’s house, she didn't care. I only lied because she didn't like Leviathan.

I'm glad they got me because when I got back my father was in the hospital, he had been shot. My life was on the line that night and Leviatan had cared enough to do something about my situation that I was in. they had saved me. I had no reason to dislike them, of course I fell in love with the one person that cared enough about me to want to save my life. 

I had spent so many years with them, hanging out, going to the movies, playing video games, getting high, and just spending time with each other. It was like heaven to be able to have a place to get away from all the hate and anger in my house, it was an escape from responsibility and growing up. I always had my small slice of heaven, Leviathan. 

The problem was that Leviathan was always in and out of the mental hospital, always going back in after an attempt. It wasn't because of their home life- they had good parents, a good life. They were just depressed. I knew that they would do things but anytime I asked if they were okay they would simply  shrug, and the honest answer was that there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn't stop them, I could only hug them until the tears stopped falling and they began to smile again.

When they were at the spike of their depression they wouldn't speak, they wouldn't smile. They had nothing left to say or smile for. For days I wouldn't hear from them and I would text them to say “are you alive?” and I hated that when I said it I wasn't joking. It was an honest question. 

“Are you alive?”

That became my most feared yet most asked question for LeeLee. For anyone it was my most feared question. If within 24 hours after I sent the question I would run to their house and open the front door using my code, run into their room and find them. Wherever they were. 

So many of my friends called me “paranoid”, “dumb”, and “too worried” and all because “Leviathan wouldn't take their own life-” she had, so many times before and i had never known about it until i had to see them in the mental hospital after an attempted overdose. I cried so much that day, I thought that I would have lost them forever. Soon after it had become my greatest fear that one day they would be gone. That my love, my heaven on earth, my safe space, and my best friend would be gone. 

One day it came true.

They were gone, just like that. One day I was laughing and playing video games, cuddling and comforting. Then they didn't show up at school. So I texted. “Are you alive?”

…

Six hours later

…

Still no answer

I ran as fast as I could- getting to their house was my top priority, I ran inside and into their room. not there. I checked their closet, their parents room, the living room and the kitchen. not there. “Shit.” I ran to their bathroom, basically breaking down the door as I entered. 

It was a blood bath, literally. They had s|it their wrists and were in the bath, lying in their blood. I dialed 9-1-1 as fast as I could, crying as I drained the water, checking their breath and their pulse- All I could do was try to keep them alive with the little bit of life they had left. I didn't know what to do, but they had saved my life and It was my turn to save theirs.

I tried my best, I did what I could but by the time help got there…they were lost. I had nothing to live for, yet I kept going. Even my parents became concerned, not that it lasted long. I cried nightly after, their funeral was emotional and I was by their side the entire time. I didn't want to leave, I didn't want them to be buried in the ground. I missed their face, I missed their company, their touch, their voice. All of it was gone. Yet I still had life.

I knew they were gone but I held their hand, pressed it to my lips and cried. No one besides Leviathan had seen me cry. I knew this couldn't be real- they still felt warm. They still had a smile on their face, dressed in their best suit. I didn't even get the chance to kiss them one last time. I just wanted to hear them laugh again, I'd give anything to just hear them laugh. I didn't even care that they annoyed me when they rambled on and on about a book, I just wanted to be there with them. I was lost. What comes next? What comes after the person you care about most dies? I know for one that they don't just bounce back to being all sunshine and rainbows. I hated this.

I used to never think about it, that when someone died the world would still move. Things would still happen, night would turn to day and the sun would shine again. Not that it made me feel any better, the Sun that used to mean I could go to Leviathans house now ment another day at home with no one to save me. I drank more, it was a way to forget that I was alone. It didn't work though, it all reminded me of Leviathan. 

After my last year in high school I moved out, said “fuck you” to my hometown and found a decent place were i could stay and get a job at the petsmart near me. I lived with a man named Levi. How funny. I blamed that on my bad luck. Just when I thought I could get away from remembering Leviathan, I ended up with a roommate named Levi. I hated the place, it wasn't home and it never would be. No matter how hard I tried everything seemed off, like I was on a permanent vacation from home. 

He would come home and throw his shirt off, just hang around the apartment and remind me that I lived with a man. He called me “dude”, “Bro”, and of course “Man”. All things that were technically correct but now pissed me off. Leviathan seemed like the only thing on my mind when Levi came into a room. Their personalities were so different. Levi had the same black hair and blue eyes as Leviathan. Long hair that went to their shoulders and animated blue eyes. Though eventually I realized that this was hurting me and knew I needed to reach out for help to live somewhere else.

My friend Max had let me move in with her up in the city nearby after I talked to her about this. I moved in with her as it was a better idea, i stayed up in the apartment most of the day, helping people online with technological things. I thought of Leviathan daily because I still had their contact in my phone. I'd text LeeLee about my week. I used to be so mad when LeeLee would leave me to read. Now I wish I could see the note “Message read” under my weekly texts.

 Everyone told me that grief grows smaller with time. Others said that Life grows larger around grief. Neither seems to have happened to me, I still feel just as bad as the day after the funeral. I was still jaggedly heartbroken. I'd still cry myself to sleep at night, just hoping I could be with Leviathan. Just begging that I could see them again.

So here I stood, on top of our apartment building. I had texted everyone a thank you, I called Leviathan's parents and told them thank you for keeping me safe all those years and called my parents. I yelled at them for everything I wanted to as a kid. I sat now, looking upon the city lights for the last time. Every heartbeat felt like broken glass in my chest. I was drunk out of my mind and yet it still felt like I was thinking clearly. I had no one to live for, and all I did was exist. I never had anyone care for me like LeeLee. I'm sorry, Darla. Darla, Leviathan's mom, she was the sweetest woman I had ever met and I am eternally grateful for her. 

I looked down at the bloodthirsty world that hurt me and said goodbye. The breeze rushed past my skin, as if wanting to save me. The world went dark and it was over. I hope I see Leviathan waiting for me. Wherever he was.