Our Scars

“Are you coming over tonight?”

I groaned, “If I come over I'm gonna run into Trent.”

“Come on girl. It's a party. There's gonna be tons of people besides Trent.”

Of course, my best friend Kayla was trying to get me to come to her party. But I wasn't gonna bite.

“Hmm,” She huffed.

I smiled to myself and opened my closet. If I stayed silent long enough....

“Ok.” She groaned, “What's it gonna take?”

I laughed, “A favor. To be determined later.”

I heard a crash through the phone. “You know I hate those.” She said through her teeth.

I shrugged, “You want me to come, you gotta pay the piper.”

She groaned again, “Fine. I'll send you the text. Be here by 4.”

I looked at my clock on my open laptop, “Kay, It's 2.”

I heard her chuckle, “Then you better hurry and get ready.”

I rolled my eyes and grabbed a black shirt.

“And no black.” She said sharply, “Actually, I have the perfect top. Wear a pair of shorts. And bring your swimsuit. If I'm paying, your swimming.”

I groaned, she knew I hated swimming. As 'perfect' as my body seemed to be to everyone else, I was incredibly insecure about it. Well not my body shape, just the scars.

“Kay I-”

“I know girl but I think it'll be good for you to try.” Her voice was softer.

She knew my struggles. But she'd gotten off easy.

I took a deep breath, “Okay.”

“Thanks Em. See you soon.” She sighed sincerely.

I nodded, “Love ya.”

“You to babe.” And she hung up.

I reached down and opened my sock drawer. There was the swimsuit Kayla and my mom had bought me last year. I hadn't used it once. It was a bright pink bikini that had gold flowers sewn onto each breast. Then, because they understood my feelings, there was sheer gold fabric covering my stomach. It was beautiful but I hadn’t gone swimming in over four years.

I took it out, stripped and put it on. When I turned around to look at myself in the full-length mirror I shuddered.

When I was 12 my dad had been driving carpool to school. Kayla, Trent, our friend Tom and I were all riding in the car. Kayla was riding shot-gun and I was squished between Tom and Trent in the back. But just as I was getting excited for my day at school, we were rear-ended by a distracted driver and pushed into traffic. Plus we had the miss fortune of being pushed in front of both lanes and were hit from both directions.

The driver’s side was hit by a truck and the passenger side was hit by a car. Kayla had gotten a broken leg and collarbone but like I said she got off easy.

Trent and I had to undergo surgery and skin grafts and from what I knew we both had long ugly scars. I hadn't seen Trent's but he never took his shirt off and anytime a girl touched his chest he lashed out. My scars were awful. I had two, one that started next to my left breast and ran down and over to under my right breast. The other started from my right hip and went across my stomach and down, stopping above my left thigh.

There had been scars on my arms and legs but they'd mostly disappeared by now. But the thought of someone seeing these scars and staring was even worst than having to live through the experience.

My dad had been in a coma for over six months but now only had a limp and gets headaches at least every other day.

Tom…. Well, I was still in the hospital when they had his funeral. But I still went to visit him.

I shook the memories from my mind and looked away from the mirror. Honestly, I’m pretty. I’ve got long brown hair and really beautiful hazel eyes. I’ve got a flat stomach, full breast, and a butt that I wish wasn’t as big. It makes it hard to avoid attention.

Ever since the accident Kayla and I have become attached at the hip and I’ve been avoiding Trent. Kayla still has a good relationship with him but she wasn’t in the back seat with Tom and I.

However, my avoidance was not reciprocated. He’d try to talk to me a few times after the accident but over the last three years, he’s kept his distance though he’s actively put himself near me. It was really irritating.

Not only was he everywhere but he lives next door to me and there’s been a rumor that he has a thing for me.

I decided that tonight, I’d ignore him but not try to avoid him. My therapist had been trying to get me to talk to him, as ‘part of my healing’ but I refused. So tonight I’d make an effort, I’d just try to let loose.

I grabbed a long black shirt, threw my hair into a ponytail, and slipped on some women’s jogging shorts. Which is sexistly ridiculously short. It’s not like I’d have them on for long anyway. Kayla loved swimming so much that her parents had put a really big pool in their backyard.

My black shirt went to my knees and covered everything. I looked at myself in the mirror again and smiled to myself. There was no way that you could see anything, not even the stars my parents let me tattoo on the back of my thighs to cover up the healed skin grafts.

I sighed and grabbed a pair of pajama pants, another big t-shirt, a pair of underwear, and threw them all in a bag.

“Don’t tell me.” My dad chuckled as I walked through the kitchen to the mudroom, “You tricked Kayla into giving you something.”

I nodded and slipped on my slip-on sneakers.

“Let us know if your gonna stay over or if you need a ride.” My mom said.

“If you drink, make sure it’s the good stuff.” My brother laughed.

“Jordan!” My mom yelled and I heard something hit the wall.

I chuckled and walked in, taking a single rose out of the vase we kept by the back door. “Don’t worry. I’ll be careful and safe. I mean it is just down the street.”

My dad waved as my mom called “Be safe!”

I heard Jordan tease that I needed to “use protection” and then heard an “Ouch” after I’d closed the door.

I walked with my bag and rose down a block and through another block’s worth of tombstones. I always took Tom a rose every time I went to a party.

My therapist said I have PTSD and Survivers Guilt. He encourages me to visit Tom’s grave but limits my time there to ten minutes. I had accepted the survivers guilt and that was a reason I’d take him roses. I felt bad that I get to go to these things while he can’t. Tom would have loved to go to parties. At least the seventeen-year-old Tom I had in my mind. He was popular but not a snob, top or our class, captain of the football team, and a chess player. He was a cute nerd like that.

I was smiling to myself but stopped short when I got a few paces from Tom’s grave.

There was a buff guy kneeling in front of the grave and had placed a peach-colored rose on his grave.

“What are you doing here?” I asked slowly.

Trent looked up at me, “I’m just saying hi to my best friend before I go to the party.”

I bit my lip. I knew he came and visited Tom because I’d see that same peach rose sometimes when I just came to visit. But to know he’d had the same idea as me.

“Well if you’re staying for long can I leave my rose for him?”

He looked to the rose in my hand, “Yellow. It means friendship.”

I rolled my eyes. Trent was a romantic, he knew what all the colors of the roses meant.

“What does peach mean?” I asked.

He stood up. He was so tall. I wasn’t short, but Trent was big. With big shoulders arms and legs. I wasn’t scared of him though, he was a giant teddy bear and I knew that. And I knew that he knew that.

He smiled, flashed his white teeth and I saw this look go through his blue eyes. He always looked at me like that but I couldn’t tell what it was. “See you at the party.” he muttered as he walked away.

I watched him leave, “Tom, he’s so strange.” I whispered.

I had to give Kayla this, she threw a great party. She had tons of chips and dip, she had popcorn, and even tons of candy. The served punch which it was advertised was spiked with some sort of alcohol. But for those of us who weren’t inclined to drink there were cans of soda on the bar.

Not only was she considerate in the food and drink department, but she also had fans blowing cool air from outside into the house to offset the heat of teenage bodies. And the music was a twenty-four-hour playlist of popular pop and rock.

Kayla, true to her word had a dress prepared for me. It was a spaghetti-strapped flowy sheer black dress that I felt kind of comfortable in. But the comfort couldn’t last long.

“Let’s swim.” Kayla said taking off her shirt revealing her black bikini.

Guys around the pool watched as she shimmied out of her jean shorts and did a cannonball into the deep end.

I took a deep breath and saw Trent looking at me with wide eyes as I lifted the dress over my head.

Conversations around the pool quieted but I could still hear the base from Katy Perry’s White Horse.

I took another deep breath before stepping over the side of the pool and falling into the deep end. When I came back up I saw that people had gone back to their conversations, though some people kept shooting me glances.

Sure it was the first time that my peers had seen me in this little of clothes since before the accident, so what. It wasn’t this big of a deal.

Kayla and I swam around and splashed each other, just enjoying the water. I had swam away when I heard Kayla.

“Trent? Your coming in too?”

I looked over and I saw Trent taking a deep breath before taking off his shirt.

I felt my breath stop as I caught a glimpse of his chest before he stepped off the edge into the deep end like I had.

He had three scars across his chest the middle one was the longest going from his sternum sloping down towards his hip.

I felt myself beginning to hyperventilate as I had a flashback.

“Stop it Trent.” I whined. Trent was playing with my pigtails, again.

Tom reached around me and slapped Trent’s hand then rested his arm around my shoulder, “Don’t worry Em, I got you.”

I smiled then felt the car lurch forward and I screamed.

I looked over at Tom who was looking at me shocked when I saw the headlight of a car from behind his head.

I scream. “No.”

I stopped kicking my feet so I sank into the water holding my breath, feeling full-body sobs wrack my body.

I couldn’t focus on anything and I’d never had an attack in public like this.

I felt my lungs burn and reflexively I took a sharp breath and immediately began to choke.

I felt big strong arms wrap around my stomach and lift me out of the water.

I came up coughing and spitting water. I struggled against the person holding me and I ended up hitting a large chest. Some part of my brain registered that a guy had saved me but another part of my brain registered the scars I’d hit.

Trent lifted me out of the water, sitting me on the side, and got out himself. “Em. Breathe Em.”

My body was still shaking and my breathing was still quick and shallow.

“Em!” Kayla shouted.

I shook my head and hugged my arms around my middle and began to cry.

Someone wrapped a towel around me and I felt someone lift me up bridal style and begin to carry me into the house.

I knew it was Trent but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him to put me down. I was sobbing like a baby and my body wouldn’t stop shaking.

I didn’t know what was going on, I was just panicking and my mind was racing, Tom’s twelve-year-old face taken by a bright light swimming through my mind.

“Is she ok?”

“She’s having a panic attack.”

“What can I do?”

“I’m just gonna hold her. That’s what helps me.”

“Ok. I’ll go get her some tea and her clothes. I shouldn’t have pushed her to swim.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s only been four years. It’s expected.”

I tried to do what my therapist told me to do. I focused on the conversation and when I heard the door close I pressed my ear against Trent’s chest. I focused on the beating of his heart and tried to imitate it.

“That’s good.” He whispered resting his head on mine and pulled me close.

As much as I was shaking and panicking I didn’t mind the closeness.

I moved my arms and began to stroke the towel with my fingers. I could feel the water running down my back and front. I could feel the fibers of the towel and felt the pressure of his arms around me.

I opened my eyes and forced myself to look at Trent. I knew his face, we’d lived next door our whole lives, but as I focused on his eyes I found myself wondering if his eyes had always been that blue. He had light blue eyes but there were touches of green.

I saw the same look in his eyes as he’d had earlier but it was dimmed by worry. What was he thinking?

I shook my head. Focus. Hear, touch, sight….

What comes next?

“Trent?”

“Yeah?”

“What are the five senses again?” I couldn’t remember. My mind was still in panic mode.

“Sight, smell, taste, touch, and hearing.” He said as though he was counting them in his head. “Are you grounding?”

I nodded. Right. I took a deep breath. I could smell the chlorine from the pool and what seemed like a faint smell of weed mixed with the smell of the air.

I kept taking deep breaths and I heard Trent breathing with me.

Taste. What am I gonna taste?

Taste him.

I shook my head, where did that thought come from?

I looked around the room, it was a guest bedroom that wasn’t being used. There wasn’t a piece of gum or any drinks.

I turned to Trent about to ask him if he had anything but found him staring at me.

My eyes went from his eyes down to his lips. I mean it wasn’t like I had feelings for him right? It was just for grounding. Plus if he did have a thing for me I could just use this as a thank you.

I tried to regulate my breathing because it’d picked up at the thought of kissing him. Maybe it was the panic?

“I don’t have anything to taste,” I said biting my lip. “Could I kiss you?”

His eyes went wide but I could see the yes in his eyes.

I tilted my head and he did too. When our lips met I felt a warmth flow through my body. It had to be the difference in temperature right? I opened my mouth and he did too.

His arm that he had around my back pressed me closer and his other hand came up to cup my face.

I could taste the chlorine on his lips but also the punch that he’d probably drank earlier. I could taste something else, it was like a sandwich or something.

I felt his tongue brush against mine and I froze for a minute before wrapping my arms around his neck and moving so I had better access.

I ended up straddling him while his hands were respectfully on my back, tracing a line from my shoulders down my spine.

I felt a shiver go through my body and allowed my hands to roam. I found myself tracing my fingers along his scar.

I felt him shudder and we pulled apart breathless.

We just stared at each other for a minute before he spoke. “Emily.” he breathed.

I was hanging onto his words when I heard the door nob move. “I brought the tea.” Kayla said opening the door.

I hurried to get off of him. What had I been doing?

“I know when I’m panicking I love to have a cup of chamomile. It’s proven to help anxiety.” She said.

“G-great.” I gasped still slightly shaking, this time from cold.

Kayla looked between the two of us and brought the mug to me, “Is something going on? Are you ok?”

We nodded, “Yeah. I’m just practicing mindfulness.”

She nodded, “Well I brought your clothes and another towel. I think you’ve swam enough for today. Why don’t you get changed, have a shower and you can just relax.”

I nodded and took the cup, clothes, and towel from her, and walked into the bathroom. I sat the clothes and towel on the toilet and leaned against the door sipping my tea. It was the perfect temperature for me.

I focused on the way the chamomile tastes like, while I breathe.

I think I prefer tasting him to the tea.