Desperate Remedies

"Just relax."

I did that in January, February, and March, but maybe April will be different. I can't be this broken that I can't relax, right? April is gonna be it. Relaxing. Ommmmmmmmmmmmmm.

"Have you tried getting drunk? Going on vacation? Drunk on vacation?"

Well, it wasn't April as well, so May will be a combo month - relaxing, drinking, and a vacay. With these three checked, I can't not be pregnant at the end of this month, right? But how drunk is too drunk or not drunk enough? Never mind, I'll do both: two glasses of wine and two bottles, just for good measure. Come on, May. Let's do this. All my friends got it this way. Surely it will be it for me too.

"It's from all the stress. You shouldn't stress so much at this and that."

Gosh darn it, it wasn't May as well. My mother told me it's from my stress at work. Maybe she is right. But how to not stress at stressful situations? I should embrace the not-giving-a-fuck mindset everyone speaks so highly about. This is it. I can feel it. June has always been my happy month. Let's go, June!

"Have you been to your OBGYN recently? Here, go to mine, SHE IS AMAZING!"

Oh, this must be why. My doc must have been incompetent; this one sounds like a miracle-maker. And I am, in fact, praying here for a miracle, right? My old one did the same standard tests, but maybe this one will read more into it. July feels like sand, sea breezes, and baby dust! Nothing could go wrong.

"No, a regular OBGYN won't do, don't you know you need to go to a fertility specialist?"

Turns out July's sand was a bit too much, and the baby dust a bit too less. Surely this fertility specialist will know the magic trick to getting pregnant. August was indeed my favorite month after all.

"Did you do this test? You haven't? Well, I don't know who your doctor is but this should be done for women your age ASAP!"

More tests, hurray! Anything for you, future baby! I can't actually believe it's already September. Time flies by so fast when you spend every waking minute in a fertility clinic and still there are tests you haven't done. But we don't lose hope! We will persevere, and this will happen!

"They said all looks good? Well, maybe you don't want it bad enough. Try manifesting."

Yes, this must be it. I haven't manifested enough to get this baby here. I wonder if the stork accepts letters like Santa? Better write one just in case. While we're at it, let's do astrology, tarot readings, and maybe contact the dead to ask my ancestors if they see anything. Do I sound like a crazy person? No, no, darling, you will be the crazy one when this actually works! You'll see when October is over and done with and I have a shiny pregnancy test with a pink cap and two pink lines!

"Just do IVF."

Well, all the voodoo didn't work so why not just do IVF, yeah. It's not like it costs tens of thousands of dollars, no, not a problem at all. I'm sure this one magical cycle of IVF will cure all of my issues and it will work right off the bat. I might as well keep up with the relaxation, manifestation, and thousands of tests, just for good measure. If not November, then when?

"Maybe next year."

This can't be true. I must be living in a nightmare. Why, God, why? Is this my punishment for my sins? How do I deserve this? Why me? How can it be? How can it be a full year without a positive test? Weren't they teaching us that you do it once without protection and it's done? How did we end up here? Where are we even at? What do we even do now?

And just like that, months turn into a year, one into two, three, and four, and before you know it, you are on year five of your infertility journey. All those words said with the best intentions, with all the love in the world, they sting. They sting so damn hard, like a thousand bee stings all at once in your heart. And you start to wonder - am I good enough? Is it my fault? Why is it so hard for me? Where did I go wrong?

Am I a fool for thinking this month would be any different?

Month after month, I walk into this burning building where my heart will get broken into a million pieces, my wounds still fresh from last month. And with tears in my eyes and smoke choking my lungs, I walk proudly inside, for another month of the same, because hope can't die. It's the only thing keeping us afloat.

And I feel so alone. As each holiday goes by, each family visit is accompanied by anxiety if someone will ask when are we having babies. And when that question comes around and you go on to explain the situation, going through every test and result you had, just so that in the end, they come up with the conclusion it must be **Stress**.

And so the circus goes on, month after month, bleeding literally and emotionally. Each month adds to the trauma, each month more and more grief overwhelms you, with what could have been, should have been, but isn't. Each month adds more and more desperate remedies to be tested and added to your routine. Because what are you ready to give for your dream to become reality - nothing much, just everything!

So you pull yourself together, dust yourself off, wipe off those tears and continue. Because you are enough. You deserve. You have come this far, you will get to go all the way. You will get to have your little miracle. And in the meantime, maybe you get to change the world. You start off by speaking up when you feel something is off even though all tests are "normal". You build up the courage to tell your friends and family those comments are not useful and instead they could say X, Y, and Z.

But until then, cheers to you and wherever you are in your relaxing, drinking, vacationing, manifesting, and testing journey - may it lead you where you most desire even if you still have a bit of **Stress** in you.