Ice Cream

James entered the apparently empty coffee shop and wondered where the workers were. It was a standard issue store with a chalkboard menu, coffee-making contraptions, a refrigerator, a collection of syrups, take-away cups, napkins, a register, but no servers and oddly no other customers. There were very few tables, but Diane was at the only four-top. He pulled out one of the chairs and sat down.

“Which do you like better, ice cream or Jane Austen?” said James, forearms on the table as he leaned into her.

“Hello to you, too, and what kind of question is that?”, she asked with a smile.

“It’s a ranking. You put those things in order.”

“I got that. Neither of those has anything in common.” Diane absentmindedly stirred her coffee adjacent beverage. James figured she must have purchased it before everyone disappeared.

“True, but which do you like better?”

“I like them both!”

“I am trying to make a point.” James twisted in his seat to look over at the still vacant counter, his mouth dry. James turned again in his seat to face Diane. “Say it’s a nice sunny day and you are walking in the park. There’s an ice cream truck. You have money and are feeling snackish. You have a book in your bag, and a park bench is right there. So now, which do you choose, Jane Austen or ice cream?”

“OK, I’d probably choose ice cream and THEN Jane Austen,” she responded with a chuckle. “You know how I like creamsicles.”

“I do. But what if you don’t have any money on you and you’re running late as you dash through the park trying to meet up with your book club?”

“Then I’d choose Jane Austen, but you did change the parameters. OK, so what is your point?” She sat back and crossed her arms.

“My point is exactly that. I changed the parameters. Circumstances change all the time. And it changes what we choose for ourselves. But importantly, there’s nothing wrong with either of those things. They are both choices that, given the correct circumstances, make it the right thing for that time. And time is the one constant change.” He looked around again.

“What does all this mean? I’m not getting you.” Diane drank the last of her beverage and plopped the empty cup on the table.

“What color eyes do I have?” he said as he attempted to look into hers.

Diane looked straight back at him with amusement. “Seriously? Look, I didn’t come here to play Trivial Pursuit. Tell me about Adelaide.”

“OK, I will in a minute.” James spread his hands out wide and then gestured between the two of them. “It’s just that, you and I never talk, just us. When we met, you were with Raoul. Then, when you broke up with him, I was with Addy. And now you’re with Brian. I wanted us to talk.” He breathed a heavy sigh and sat back. “Seriously, does anybody even work here?” looking around again to find someone, anyone who could sell him a cup of coffee.

“Wait. Are you asking me out?”

“No.” James sighed. “I mean, look, I don’t want to come between you and Brian. I just want us to have,” he looked to the ceiling, “…a connection.”

“Isn’t that what ‘dating’ is?” Her bag dropped to the floor. She picked it up and put it back on the chair behind her.

“I spend ten to twelve hours a day in a computer room talking to no one. There is Adelaide, who is wonderful, but she is the only one I have to be with. My parents are long gone; I have no siblings, no extended family. I don’t want to pour my whole life into just this one relationship. I’m trying to broaden my circle, and I thought I’d start with you.”

“I’m flattered, but why not Brian? He’s a guy. Why me?”

“I don’t know Brian very well, and besides, I have more things in common with you. When we’re together, I talk to you more than anyone else. You and I, come on, you know that you and I laugh a lot together. I’d like us to be close friends.”

Diane found a certain fascination with the non-existent contents of her coffee cup.

“OK, I got it. I see your reaction. It was worth a shot.” James sat back.

Diane leaned forward, looked directly at James, her shoulders dropped as she breathed out. “I do care about you, James, really. But there is a line, and I will not cross it. Brian and I have just started dating, and I want to see where this goes. And if your point is that Brian is ice cream and you are Jane Austen, well, you are not Jane Austen.”

They both chuckled.

Diane continued, “But I get it. I can like both of you and I don’t have to choose. And I’m not choosing, per se. I’m dating Brian. And I do have room for you. As a friend.But not someone that I will spend time with on the sly away from Brian. Not at this point. I’m having my ice cream now, James.”

Suddenly, there was an influx of people as if a team meeting had just let out from somewhere in the building.

“OK, understood. And speaking of your boyfriend…” Brian came in the front door as two baristas appeared behind the counter, busying themselves with opening cardboard boxes and putting away the contents. Another worker with a wet rag came over to a nearby table and started cleaning.

Brian approached the table and sat down. “Hi folks. I did mean to get here sooner. Had to finish with a help desk call. All good?” He reached over and gave Diane a quick kiss on the cheek.

“Yeah, all good,” James responded.

The worker came over and picked up Diane’s empty cup.

“You sound disappointed, man. My girl tell you she’s not having sex with you?” Brian laughed.

The worker gave a side eye and wiped down the table.

“That’s not what this was about but sure. We’re not getting together. I’m not ice cream.”

“OK,” Brian said, drawing out the ‘O'. “Not sure what that meant.”

“Doesn’t matter. Hey, can I get a coffee?” James asked the worker. The man indicated with a nod of his head that James would have to go to the counter. He moved back to the previous table and cleaned it again.

Brian absentmindedly pulled at his ear. “How is Adelaide?

“Yeah, isn’t that why we were here to meet up in the first place? You were going to tell me something about her.” Diane reached over to hold Brian’s hand. He put his overtop of hers, grasping it firmly.

“Indeed, yes. Adelaide,” James said desultorily.

Brian asked, “She’s not sick or something, is she?

“Something,” replied James.

“Something? What is it? What’s going on, James?” said Diane.

“Adelaide is,” James paused, “no more.”

Brian exclaimed, “You guys broke up?! Man, that’s rough. Now I understand why you wanted to talk to Diane alone. Wanted a girl’s perspective, or something. What did he tell you?”

“He didn’t tell me anything, yet. James?” Diane said.

“She’s been unplugged,” James said.

“I’m not sure I know what that means,” Diane said slowly.

James took a deep breath and launched into his spiel. “Adelaide was a bot. A prototype.” Both Brian's and Diane’s eyes widened in shock. “The robotics company I work, worked for, RealTMech, has gone bankrupt. It was in the papers; you probably saw it. I was forced out of the building, leaving Adelaide behind. I had to give up my key card access, but I had no other evidence that I was even employed there. RealTMech took security to extremes. They did not want any intellectual property leaks and weren’t taking any chances. I had no idea this was coming.”

“Part of my job was to appear to be in a relationship with her. I was able to bring Adelaide out on strictly supervised social engagements; they were heavily monitored. There were usually two or three other reps from the company at the places we went to; you were not supposed to notice them.”

James wished he had something to drink or to occupy his hands with. “I tried everything I could, I made every argument in the book, how the prototype couldn’t operate without me. I promised to go to whatever company eventually bought the IP. I even tried to buy her outright, but I don’t have that kind of money, and the company was not willing to offer me a loan. They were sorry, it was out of their control, and they had no intention of trying to sell the firm. They just decided to blow it up, maybe not literally, but basically just destroy everything.”

“Oh, and I’m out of a job.” James sat back, dejected, spent.

The coffee shop worker came back to wipe down the table again. James glared at him, and he went back to the next table to rearrange the sugar packets.

Diane broke the silence. “No way, there is no way she was a bot. We’ve had dinner together. I’ve seen her put away a plateful of lasagna. No way. You’re telling me she was a ROBOT? Not a chance.”

“Oh, yeah, eating,” James grinned. “She had what was basically a glorified rubber balloon inside. She had no biological organs, so she didn’t need food. I had spent hours programming realistic mannerisms into her. I was always careful, trying to make her not perfect but human. She’d drop her fork by accident, just once, not a habit. She’d adjust her clothes, pull up a bra strap. She was never out of my sight; you may not have caught on that she never went to the ladies. And now it’s gone. And before you ask, no, I didn’t have sex with her, of any sort. She was not anatomically correct. That was a company directive. They may have had that as a goal for future endeavors, but the company was concentrating on perfecting other behaviors first. RealTMech’s primary goal was to create the perfect, most realistic human-like companion, someone to laugh with, talk to, be with, to fall in love with. The sex appeal aspect was a later vision; they wanted to concentrate on personality first.” James stopped for a moment. “I always knew she was a bot; I couldn’t get over that fact, no matter how realistic her facial features were. So, sure, she was, in many ways, a great companion. But, yeah, she wasn’t real.”

Diane said incredulously, “I’ve touched her, hugged her. Her skin was perfect. I can’t believe she wasn’t a real person.”

“I was hired in two years ago, but most of the technology had already been in place. My job was the refinements, checking her fingernail polish, pulling on an earring, scratching her nose, that sort of thing. But I can’t really answer to the years, decades, of research and testing that went into her before I got the job. That’s what makes this especially frustrating,” James said with a grimace, making a pair of fists, “because I don’t have the resources, knowledge, or the skill set to try and build another one. So, yeah, maybe I wasn’t completely honest, Diane, when I asked to meet with you today, but the situation is the same. I could really use a friend right now.”

Brian said, “Dude, whatever you need, pal. I’m here for ya. You want to get a drink? The bar next door is open.”

“I don’t drink alcohol, Brian. But thanks.”

“Oh. Sorry, you don’t have to have a beer, you know. They’ve got other stuff. And I’m sure there’s a game on.” Brian stroked his ear again.

“I’m not into sports, either. I’m a tech guy, VR, video games, that kind of thing. I appreciate the offer, I do. I know you’re trying. I get it. Just, um, it’s not what I need right now.”

“How can I help?” Diane offered.

“Just sit here with me. Distract me for a while. Tell me something about your day, I don’t know. I just don’t want to sit in the apartment, alone, by myself. Give me advice that I will ignore. Try to cheer me up. Tell me it’s not that bad. I’ll land on my feet. Blah, blah, blah.”

“OK, all that.”

“OK, great, I feel so much better now. Thanks for the pep talk.”

“Now, James, don’t be that way. That’s not what I meant.” Diane tried to placate him.

James said, “I know, I know. I’m just feeling sorry for myself.”

Brian offered, “Hey, there’s a party on Friday. You should come. That’s how Diane and I met.” Brian squeezed Diane’s hand.

“I know. I was there. Adelaide was supposed to be my date, but she glitched earlier in the day, the lab wouldn’t release her, so I asked Diane to come with me.”

“Oh, right. I forgot.” Brian tugged at his ear again.

The worker came by again, adjusted the empty chair at the table, and then moved back to the other table in the section.

James asked, “Is there something wrong with your ear, Brian?”

“No, what makes you say that?”

“Just that, you’ve tugged at it several times. Is it bothering you?”

Brian reached up again, placed his earlobe between his thumb and forefinger, and stopped. His whole body froze. He stopped breathing, blinking, swallowing. He was completely stock-still, like a department store mannequin.

“Brian!” Diane barely succeeded in extracting her hand from her boyfriend’s unresponsive and now stiff grip. She waved her hand in front of Brian’s expressionless face. “Brian!” she shouted. She stood up but was roughly pushed aside by the guy with the wet cleaning cloth.

“Shit!” the coffee store worker said, now standing in front of Brian. “Venkat,” he called over to the counter, “He glitched!” The worker pulled out an oversized and complicated remote device from somewhere and started pushing buttons.

“Dammit!” Venkat jumped over the counter like an action hero and ran over. “I knew this would happen. I told those guys he wasn’t ready yet. But no. Shit. Carl, give me that. Go get the wheelchair.” He grabbed the remote. Nothing he pressed made any difference in Brian’s posture or stature. Brian sat still in the chair, his hand clasped on his ear.

“What the hell is going on?” James asked, also on his feet.

“Wait, is Brian,” she paused, “a robot?” Diane timidly asked.

“Look, I shouldn’t be telling you this. He’s just had an upgrade but between you and me, it was pirated software. I hadn’t had enough time to vet it out, but the powers that be wanted to test him in the real world.”

“So, he is a robot?” Diane repeated.

“We prefer to call him an H.U.M.A.N. A human.” Venkat answered.

“Wait, I know that term. ‘Homer Underwood’s Man, a Newbie’,” James said.

“Yeah, that’s right. The CEO thinks he's clever.” He rolled his eyes.

James looked around, eyebrows furrowed as he was thinking. “Hold on. There is a rumor that Homer Underwood stole intellectual property from RealTMech and that rumor caused all the venture capital to be pulled and that’s why my company went bankrupt and that’s why I am among the newly unemployed.” James emphasized the ‘that’s why’s’.

“Look, I don’t know where the software comes from,” Venkat said. “My job is just to make sure the unit functions to spec. But I wouldn’t be surprised. Brian wasn’t supposed to be at that party, but Mr. Underwood wanted to try him out in public before he was ready, checked the prototype out of the lab against protocol and brought him to this shindig. I wasn’t invited because when the CEO says he’ll ‘take care of it’, you believe him. I’m told there were other bot company money bags there and I’m sure Underwood was trying to open up some of those deep pockets. And apparently, Brian slipped away, connected with someone, must have been you,” Venkat pointed at Diane, “and before anyone could stop it, he asked you out.”

“Yeah, within, like, five minutes.”

“And then the CEO thought it would be,” Venkat used air quotes, “fun to see how far he could push this. It was, what, two weeks ago?”

Diane nodded.

Carl came back inside with an overly technical conveyance. Between the three real men surrounding the bot, they manhandled the inanimate object into the wheelchair. Venkat pushed aside the bot’s hairline at the base of its neck and connected several wires. He continued to manipulate the remote. Brian still did not respond.

“We’re going to have to take him back to the lab. When he comes back online, do you want me to tell him to call you?” he asked Diane, with a wink and a smirk.

“Thank you, no. I think we’re done here.” Diane sat down heavily in the recently vacated chair.

“Suit yourself. Alright, Carl, let’s get out of here.” They pushed the chair across the room and out the back door.

James pulled out a chair to join her.

The two of them were absorbed in their thoughts for several minutes before Diane said, “So, Jane.”

And James smiled.