I Thought

I suppose this all started back when I was in preschool. I met a girl named Blair Hanes. We were really close, probably my closest friend at the time. We hung out a lot, so it was disappointing to find we weren’t in the same kindergarten class. I got over her and thought I’d never see her again. I thought.

I was so happy when my mother told me we got in the same class for first grade. I couldn’t sleep the night before the first day! To see her again, would be magical. I thought. She showed up after me, a little late, and as she stood in the doorway I quickly ran up and gave her a hug. She pushed me off of her and looked at me for about five seconds before saying,

“Mia, right?”

“No, I’m Shiori. Remember?” she looked at me blankly.

“Preschool?” she tilted her head a little.

“Oh. Yeah, I think. I don’t know. I don’t really care either, just don’t bother me. K?” she told me. Then she spit her gum into her hand and with a single movement slapped it into my hair. She giggled and walked to her seat. Of course, I told on her. The teacher took her into the hall and scolded her, for about fifteen minutes. What she was doing, I don’t know, but I also don’t know why she left first graders alone for fifteen minutes.

As it turns out, Blair had a lot of friends. There were two girls, Reese and Ava who just took it too far.

“You little snitch! We don’t like you!” Reese yelled at me, and pushed me to the ground.

“Yeah! Snitches get stitches!” Ava yelled. She bent down to my level, and stabbed me in the shoulder with a pencil she was holding. Now when Ava stood back up, I thought it would be over. It wasn’t. They kicked me up until the teacher came back into the room, with sobbing Blair. I realize this sounds crazy, I was only in the first grade, but even that young, people can be cruel. I was bullied by Blair, Reese, and Ava the whole year. I always wanted to fight back. Bully them. But my mother always said,

“Be the best Shiori you can be.”

I thought she could survive the cancer, but she died when I was three. Those were her last words to me. Laying in her hospital bed, tired and helpless. My father was crying, kneeling on the floor holding her lifeless hand. That's what she told me. I know she knows that I can get through this. Just like she almost did.

When the summer of my first grade year finally arrived, it was a relief. My life got a lot better. My parents moved me to a different school and told me I would be attending there until high school. Finally, things were getting better. I thought that would last forever.

 Guess my luck! I showed up to school the first day of my freshman year, dressed in a t-shirt that said Bill Murray Fan Club on it and cute baggy shorts, with a nice, thick, black belt. I looked divine if I do say so myself. Anyways, I walk in and looky there. Fucking Blair Hanes standing in front of what I assumed was her locker, swiping through her phone. The bitch that put me through some tough shit has to go to this school. She looked up from her phone and noticed me frozen by the entrance.

“Well, look who it is. Little Mia! So sorry about the first grade. You know the bullying and all!” she said sarcastically. I stepped closer to her.

“No you're not. And for the last fucking time, my name is Shiori.” I snarled and waited for a response. She just giggled and continued swiping through her phone.

“Why are you still here?” she asked me and pushed me to the side as she went to go greet a friend. I overheard some mumbles about me. You know, “Was that Mia?” and “She got uglier.” and “I hate her.” This was fucking ridicoulous! Blair put gum in my hair in the first fucking grade and I told on her! What was I supposed to do? When the teacher asked me how it got there just say, “Oh I put it there because I thought it looked nice.” Fucking stupid!

As you’d imagine, it was pure hell. I got pushed around, pointed at, she even poured her coffee on me after first period! And nobody said a word about it. She did most of it in front of teachers and they just pretended they didn’t see.

One day, my worst nightmare. She had started a rumor that I had slept with her brother against his will. That I had held him at gunpoint and would shoot him if he didn’t. Of course, I didn’t, and I thought that they wouldn’t believe her, but they did. Turns out she has a really good reputation and people will just believe every word she says.

When I got home that day, I was planning on telling my dad what had happened. I hadn’t told him about the amounts of bullying I had endured. After my mother passed, he became a raging alcoholic. I had learned to fend for myself at a seriously early age. I thought when I got home he’d be in a good mood. I found him unconscious lying on the couch, empty bottles scattered around. I didn’t panic. This happened often. I just thought that maybe today would be different. I cleaned up his mess and wobbled down to my room.

The next day was no different. In fact, Blair decided I did the same thing to a different guy. Actually, everyday Blair picked a new guy that I had supposedly held at gunpoint and slept with. Luckily, she had no evidence, so I didn’t get arrested, but you can hold your breath! That won’t last too long.

About two weeks in, I had “slept” with 14 men, I heard a loud knock on my door. I opened it and about five officers stood in front of me.

“Why hello there. What can I do for you?” I asked, politely.

“Hi ma’am. Does Shiori Tanaka live in this residence?” the man in front.

“Yes, sir. I’m Shiori.” I told him. I was happy he got my name right.

“We’re gonna have to take you with us. We are pretty certain you murdered Tony Hanes.” he grabbed and handcuffed me. I was flabbergasted. I didn’t murder Blair’s brother, but I secretly think that Blair did and somehow pinned it on me. I thought that I would somehow get out of prison.

That brings us to now. I’m writing this in my tiny little jail cell with a knife sitting right next to me. Blair Hanes, if this suicide note is plastered in some newspaper because it’s the longest suicide note in history or whatnot and your reading this. Fuck off. I don’t know why any of this happened or what I did to deserve this. I just wish. Instead of always saying I thought.

I wish I could’ve said I knew.