That Darn E-mail

I always look forward to Mondays. I enjoy it, unlike many of my co-workers, who dreaded Mondays and they had no problems voicing it. Today was no ordinary Monday though, it felt a little off. Before I continued to do anything else, I checked my email. To my surprise, the very first email entry was from my long-lost cousin, Drake. I was very surprised that he didn’t send it to my personal email instead.

Apparently, he was down on his luck and had been for a while. He speaks about the clever idea he came up with to rob the bank directly across from his home. He's telling me all this in an email. Brilliant. As I read further, he tells me how he already robbed the bank and was able to obtain a quarter of a million dollars. He continues to say that he has booked a flight to Las Vegas for the following Friday and would like for me to join him, saying that my ticket would be at will call at the airport. There will be five thousand dollars waiting for me when I arrive, he adds. He gives the name of the hotel that he has booked and the all-inclusive package, mentioning a spa and massage. He has also included photos of the money stacked up and photos of himself purchasing a Rolex watch, telling me that he has one for me as well. In the lengthy email, he goes on and on, as if he were writing a book. I literally had to get up, get a cup of coffee and sit back down because this email was very long, and naturally, I was curious.

It seems that good, old cousin Drake, had veered off to the left somewhere as he was writing this very detailed email because, in the middle of it, this is what I read, “aaaaaaanuytaaaalwxggg”. I am not sure if he was drinking or if he fell asleep then woke up and continued, ignoring this blunder, but yeah, this was in his email. So anyway, as I continue, he goes on to say how the family betrayed him and how he has done so many things that he should not have, such as stealing his neighbor’s car in the middle of the night almost a month ago because he felt like driving to the city of San Diego which was close to two hours away. Meanwhile, I am shaking my head in amazement that this is a guy I grew up with and lived with for ten years of my life as a child. I simply cannot believe it. He sends all this in an email instead of just calling me. I always wondered what happened to him, as we used to speak on a weekly basis, then one day he calls me and says he was traveling to India with his new girlfriend. In fact, that was approximately two years ago to the day. I reached out to him several times but always got his voicemail. Eventually, I just went on with my life and took his silence as he just did not want to be bothered. I let it be and just waited for him to reach out to me. This is not what I expected to receive in my email from my cousin on this dear, sweet September Monday, however, I was curious, so I continued to read.

He elaborates on how he robbed the bank and the detailed interaction that he had with the bank teller. He tells me that the bank only had one other person there at the time that he arrived, and he was able to make his way back to the safe. It’s almost as if the tone of his email was that of someone who was bragging and boasting that he was clever enough to get away with it, especially being that he lived right across the street from the bank. I sat back with my hand on my chin, turning my chair and looking out my window. It felt like a dream, no, more like a nightmare. I loved my cousin. This just broke my heart that he would stoop so low and commence to a life of crime. He is telling me all this like we speak every day. He is speaking so freely of his criminal escapades as if I am his ace boon coon once again. I mean, we haven’t spoken in two years, and this is the very first email you send me? I would have appreciated a prelude to this shocking criminal confession, such as, “Hey cuzzo, I am about to send you the craziest email so brace yourself because you are really not going to believe what you are going to be reading.” I turned my chair back around to face the screen, took a sip of coffee, and then continued to read. In his last paragraph, he speaks about how he planned to take the money and buying a house in Hawaii, as far away as possible from his ex-girlfriend because he didn’t want her to know about him “coming into” all this money, as he put it. He speaks as if he hit the lottery. I am shaking my head at this point. Now, this is a man who, all throughout his childhood, was afraid to even go near a swimming pool. Afraid to go near the water, over a bridge, and now he wants to live on an island. Who was this guy? I felt like I had been bamboozled all my life, not even knowing who this man was, who I let stay at my home on plenty of occasions. As I read the last line of the email, I pushed my chair back and stood up. The last line had his address to where he was staying and his phone number. I closed out the email then I stood up and proceeded to finish my coffee. As I stared out the window in deep thought, I reached into my drawer and pulled out my badge, and then unlocked my safety box that contained my gun. I put my badge on and secured my gun in its holster. You see, one thing that my dear cousin failed to realize is that all the times I tried to reach out to him and only got his voicemail, I was trying to let him know that I moved up in my career and was now the sheriff of my small town. I really wish he would have answered that phone two years ago.