Grammy Lydia's TO-DIE-FOR Apple Pie

GRAMMY LYDIA’S TO-DIE-FOR APPLE PIE

Lydia Elizabeth Keller (Georgia, 1935)

Does your husband want a hot meal on the table and a little something special for dessert after coming home from a long shift? Are you exhausted from running the household and receiving zero recompense for it? 

A respectable, hardworking woman in the modern times does, unfortunately, still have to deal with such nonsense. But worry not! The old-fashioned way can still be useful, if the collection of…family-fixing recipes has any say. This pie will be the answer to all your problems, if you follow my steps perfectly. 

INGREDIENTS:

For the crust: 1 ½ cup all-purpose flour, ½ TSP. salt, ½ cup Crisco vegetable shortening, 4 TBSP. ice water

Stir together the flour and salt in a bowl, then set aside. Now cut in the Crisco with a fork until the shortening resembles pea-sized balls. Add in the water tablespoon by tablespoon, the way you would love to bash your husband’s skull in with a meat tenderizer stroke by stroke, turning the mixture with a spatula. Now knead the dough with your hands to form a disk and set aside. 

For the filling: ¼ cup salted butter, 8 cups sliced Honeycrisp apples, ⅔ cup light brown sugar, 1 TBSP. all-purpose flour, 2 TSP. cinnamon, 1 TSP. fresh lemon juice, ¼ TSP. salt, 1 egg, 1 TSP. water, coarse white sugar, and Grammy Lydia’s special secret ingredient

First, set aside a 9-inch pie plate and preheat your oven to 425°F. In a large pot on the stove over medium heat, melt the butter. Add in the Honeycrisp apples, the brown sugar, the flour, and the cinnamon, lemon juice, and salt. Imagine you are filling the pot with your frustration and loneliness and anger, then let it fester, stirring occasionally until the apples soften (about eight to ten minutes). Remove from the heat and set it aside to cool. 

While that rests (like you are never able to), divide your dough in two if you have not already and lightly flour your work surface. Roll out one half of your dough to around ⅛ inch thick—a bit larger than your pie plate, and infinitely larger than your husband’s brain. Transfer the rolled-out sheet of crust into your pie plate, pushing it gently to the bottom. Now imagine it is your husband’s body lowering into a grave (if they ever find it, that is). 

Now for the egg wash! Whisk together your egg and water in a small bowl, then set aside for later. 

It is time to transfer your pie filling—and all those nasty feelings—into your pie plate, and those emotions into a focused drive. Now, like you did with the first disk of dough, roll out the second on your floured surface, then cut into strips. We want this dish to look beautiful, after all—it is not every day you get to bake someone’s last taste of life! You are going to braid the strips, then lattice them as your mother taught you across the top. Make sure to pinch the strips at the edge to adhere them, then trim away any excess (pie crust and guilt both). 

For the finishing steps, you will brush the top crust with the egg wash we made earlier. Be methodical and thorough. It will be good practice for the steps after. Once you have completely egg-washed the crust, take your coarse sugar, and, in a bowl, crush into a fine powder. Crush any leftover doubt and regret, too. You picked this recipe because you needed an out. No turning back now.

You provide the deadbeat husband; I provide your last resort. That is the deal. 

Pop your pie into the oven and bake for fifteen minutes at 425°F, then decrease the temperature to 350°F and bake until the top crust is golden brown and your filling bubbles, around forty minutes. If your crust starts to get too brown, cover it with aluminum foil and leave it alone. 

Would you like to know my special secret ingredient now? Grammy Lydia's little twist?

Arsenic. Rat poison. Fitting, do you think? 

You only need a little, about as much as you used of the sugar (Remember how he loves to joke about needing “a little sugar with his sugar” while he grabs you? Are you not tired of the way he demeans you?).  Take care to mix them completely, so the color is indistinguishable. 

Do not worry about taste, now, darling—your gorgeous pie will take care of that. That and if you play your cards right, lean into his stupid leers and dimwitted banter, he will never notice the little bit of vengeance you served up just for him. He will be willingly ingesting his one-way ticket to the Devil’s front door. 

Let the pie cool on the windowsill after removing it from the oven, then dust the top of it with the mixture. Just thick enough to be noticeable. Most of it will melt into your perfect golden crust. 

If you have followed my steps correctly, what lies in that dish should be the most wonderful thing you have ever baked, and the most horrible thing your husband will ever eat. It is to-die-for you know. 

All my love, 

Lydia Elizabeth Keller

*An addendum by L. Keller:

The arsenic should take him after twenty-four hours, a slow death that he more than likely deserves…but I can guess that you would prefer him gone sooner rather than later. If that is the case, I would recommend another popular recipe: Seared Scarlet Steaks with Mashed Potatoes. This was a favorite of my mother’s. Borrow your mother’s, or grandmother’s, lipstick, about four tubes. The red variety. Melt them in a skillet like you would butter, then sear the choicest cuts of beef the way you would if the governor was stopping by again. The lead absorbed into the meat will at least make his death interesting, if not faster. 

And remember, my darling: spinach and carrots make wonderful companions to a freshly decomposed, organic fertilizer for your vegetable garden! Just be sure to keep the children inside when you plant!