This is how it all starts and ends

This is how it all starts and ends. Connie is the youngest daughter. Always the little one of the family. Always the pride of the family, adds her eldest sister, Melissa. Connie dances. Connie sings. She will be a Broadway actress! The star of the family. Connie loves her sister and hates her name. Before reading Lady Chatterley’s Lover, she thought her name was boring and dull. After reading the book, it became perverted. Connie. She doesn’t have time for these stupid things. She has to be the best. Sometimes her body doesn’t listen to her. She needs to practice more. She needs to weigh less. How lovely it would be to dissipate in this morning pink sky. Morning after morning, she is first to arrive at her dance studio, before dawn casts its spell on the sleeping city. Evening after evening, she is last to leave, after the sunset says goodnight to the city that is about to fall asleep. This is her life. Life of perfection. It starts with rehearsals. It ends with rehearsals. This is how it all starts and ends. 

This is how it all starts and ends. She smiles, and he feels that life is worth living. This feeling dances in his chest, and all he wants is to look at her dancing all his life. Philip, he is a lawyer in a law firm. He wears a lawyer’s suit and speaks the lawyer’s language, and all the people around him are lawyers. But now, when he looks at Connie, he believes that his real life is just beginning. It starts with her smile and her laugh and her voice and her eyes. And it ends when she kisses him goodbye. One more night without her body. This is how it all starts and ends. 

This is how it all starts and ends. For the first time, all her body is burning, and she is on fire, and why does it all even matter if she can’t see him every second of her life? Melissa laughs at her. Our saint Connie got a boyfriend. He will knock her up and this is how it all will end! Connie hates Melissa, but she is right. Her Melissa is never wrong, she is the eldest sister, she knows better! But when Connie sees Philip, she can’t think about anything else but his broad shoulders and his chest that she wants to touch. And his kisses, his kisses on her neck. And his hands that wake up her body. She wants to moan. She can’t help it. It all starts with kisses and ends with touches everywhere. And everything is lost. She is lost. Her career is lost. And sitting on his bed, she sees dawn for the first time. This is how it all starts and ends.

This is how it all starts and ends. He says, “I will take care of you.” And she wants to believe him. He has a serious job. He knows better. When he says that she doesn’t need to dance so much, to sing so much, and that she can have this slice of pizza, she wants to cry. She is so so tired. But what else can she do? Who is she without dancing and singing and this shiny dream of hers? She kisses him goodbye before dawn. One thing should end so that the other can start. Dances or kisses. This is how it all starts and ends. 

This is how it all starts and ends. She dances and dances and dances. She needs to be better. She, Connie, can be better. They say that nothing is impossible. And yet the roles go to the others. And she is always behind. Isn’t she talented? Isn’t she hardworking? Isn’t she the first to arrive and the last to leave? Isn’t she? Isn’t she? They say she needs a spark. They say she needs to let everything go. A control freak, they call her. Miss perfection can’t get everything she wants, says Melissa. Oh, my dear Melissa, you are so right! I can’t have everything I want. I can’t have anything I want. I have nothing I want. Only Philip. And his kisses. And touches. He will take care of me. He will end this suffering. And my new life will begin! This is how it all starts and ends. 

This is how it all starts and ends. Wedding bells are ringing. Wedding birds are chirping. Wedding doves are flying in the air. And everyone is smiling. At a wedding photographer and at each other. They are a beautiful couple! It is true that she is not as slim as she used to be. But these roundish cheeks suit her. Be careful, though, says Melissa. He fell in love with a slim version of you. Yes, her sister is right. She will be careful. She will resume her dance classes. Philip promised her that in their apartment there would be a mirror wall and a ballet barre, and the windows would overlook a sunlit street with kids playing after school. The wedding is over, but their life together only begins. She will be happy, he will protect her! Life is finally good. This is how it all starts and ends.

This is how it all starts and ends. He wakes up early, before dawn. Lots of work. She drinks coffee in the kitchen that the rising sun colors in pink and yellow.. It is wonderful to see dawn. It is wonderful to live. It is wonderful to be in love. Connie takes her time. She doesn’t know what she will do. Maybe teach children. Maybe Philip will help her open her own dance studio. Maybe he will leave you, murmurs Melissa. Look at you, how many pounds have you gained? And you don’t sing anymore, do you? But what do you do all day? Connie feels a pinch of guilt. She doesn’t do anything in particular. What will he love her for? Does he love her? Isn’t she a burden on his broad shoulders? Her day starts with dawn and ends with sunset. Philip comes home late. Lots of work. This is how it all starts and ends.

This is how it all starts and ends. Why don’t you call me during your work day? I am tired. I work a lot to give you everything you deserve. Is there someone else? Someone else who is slimmer and smarter and more ambitious with a good sense of humor? She feels that she is trapped. What is it all for if he doesn’t love me? And what should I do to get his love back? Lose weight, for example, says Melissa. Get back to dancing and to singing. You were the pride of our family. Connie feels sticky sweaty guilt hugging her in the morning and evening. She used to be the pride of her family. Philip loved her when she was dancing. She loved dancing. Didn’t she? Didn’t you? She looks in the mirror. She expects answers. But the reflection is silent. The apartment is silent. And Philip doesn’t answer her calls. She starts her day crying and finishes her day crying. This is how it all starts and ends. 

This is how it all starts and ends. It is seven in the morning. She hates mornings. She doesn’t love them, and they don’t love her back. She didn’t love dancing. She didn’t love singing. She didn’t love the stage. Did her family love her? Melissa? Philip? She doesn’t love her body. She doesn’t love herself. She doesn’t know how to love herself. What for? If she is not the pride of the family anymore. If she is not an aspiring actress anymore. If Philip doesn’t love her anymore. What can she love herself for then? It all starts with love. She has always wanted to be loved. And now nobody loves her. And that is how it all will end. This is how it all starts and ends.

This is how it all starts and ends. Philip is in black. Melissa is in black. She felt it. Something would happen to Connie. She was too unstable. Too fragile. Too dependent. Too perfect. Connie and her dances. The pride of the family. She hugs Philip. He deserves better than this psychopath. She doesn’t say it. But everyone knows it. She wasn’t even that talented. Hardworking yes, but talented? She lacked spark. Luckily for Philip, it all ended before it got ugly. Before Connie started throwing tantrums. Our little star, her parents used to say. My little star that flew to the sky, says Philip. Melissa sneers. It all ended for Connie. It all starts for Melissa. This is how it all starts and ends.