The Gift of Presence

Christmas Eve 2024

     The snow sifted down in large wet flakes, turning into water as soon as they hit the sidewalk. The wind was getting slightly more chilly as the night wore on and more people were coming out of hiding, creating a crowd that for the most part went unnoticed by one slender, dark-haired girl.

     Nadine lowered her gaze slightly against the chill of the wind and tears pooled in her eyes. She hadn’t realized it would hurt this much. It felt like a ball of pain in the middle of her being that couldn’t be reached. The pain wasn’t physical but it was unbearable just the same. The call had been so unexpected and even though three days had passed since the news that her brother; her dearest friend had passed away suddenly as a result of a car collision, it felt like no time had gone by at all.

     Sam had always been there for her. Ever since she could remember, his dark eyes and smiling face had encouraged her through every day for the last year, easy or hard. The thought that she would never ever see him again tore at her heart and anger well up inside her, searching for something or someone to blame for taking him away from her.

     The tears came again in a rush, blinding her vision. “Oh Sam. . .” the words fell from her mouth involuntarily. Sinking down onto a bench on the corner of a cross street, she let her face fall into her hands. I miss you so much, Sam. I miss you so so much. The words became a blur of confusion, no longer legible and no longer making sense as she let herself fall into the pain.

     Several minutes passed before the flow of sobs ceased and she straightened. A shuddering sigh shook her body and she drew the back of her hand across her eyes. Mindlessly, she watched as people passed by her, stopped at the crosswalk, waited for the green light and disappeared into the night. Sometimes it was just one, sometimes it was a group, but although there was a steady bustle of sound, it seemed that no one really noticed anyone else. Eyes straight again, a richly dressed woman passed by and over the crosswalk as if she were the only one in the world. No one even gave a second glance at Nadine as she stared out into the city, watching the street lights come on one by one as the night grew darker.

     Oh Sam. . .

    Her gaze shifted to the oncoming small crowd of people drawing near her, preparing to cross the street. Two of them were Amish, a young man and woman. Another girl wore a very short skirt and halter top, as if defying the cold weather. And still another young man plodding along with his head down. Randomly Nadine wondered if he had anywhere special he was heading this Christmas Eve.

     As he drew close to the telephone pole on the corner, instead of reaching for the button to direct his crossing, he wrapped his arm around the pole as if to steady himself and then slowly sank down on one knee. The girl in the short skirt stared at him as she walked by but simply kept on going. Nadine leaned forward in her seat, expecting the Amish couple or the elderly lady beside them to stop and ask the young man if he was okay, but like the girl in the short skirt, they ignored him. She watched his body tremble slightly and his grip tightened on the pole.

     Slowly, she stood and crossed the short distance between them, falling to her knees beside him. Hesitantly, she laid a hand on his shoulder. “Hey. . .you okay?”

     He lifted his face in her direction. His voice was deep and husky. “I’ll be okay,” he said. “I, uh, forgot to take my medication, so my b-blood pressure is really low.”

     “Can I get you your medicine?” Nadine had no idea how far from home this kid was but she couldn’t just leave him there. This could be serious. “Should I call an ambulance?”

     He shook his head slowly but with determination. “No, no, please don’t. . .” his voice trailed off for a second, then he spoke again, “Sorry, miss, you don’t have to stay.”

     Even as he said that, his balance wavered and he sank a little lower. Without speaking, she helped him into a sitting position with his knees up. Carefully, he let go of the pole and lowered his head so that it touched his knees. She settled herself beside him, completely ignoring the stares of the people who continued to pass them. “Has this happened before?” she asked quietly.

     He turned his head. “Yeah,” A wan half-smile crossed his lips. “I might be gonna pass out, just so you know.”

     “That’s not good. . .” she searched the pockets of her coat, hoping for a sweet snack or something that had gone unnoticed. Nothing. Hoping to keep him from passing out, she asked another question. “Where are you headed?”

     This time he didn’t move his head. “Uh, nowhere special.” The words came slowly. “I just had to get some stuff from the store down that-a-way.”

     A gust of wind blew through his hatless hair and stung her cheeks. He looked at her again. “Where were you headed?”

     “I wasn’t.” She could feel the tears starting at the back of her eyes and didn’t know if she could go on with the explanation. “I-my brother died last Sunday and I just can’t. . .” the tears came then, without her permission. “I feel like I just can’t go on without him, you know?”

     “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry. I, uh,. . .” He made a motion as if to hug his knees tighter but then his body went limp and fell against her.

     Realizing that he had actually fainted, she wrapped her arm around his shoulders and held him in a way to prevent him from hitting the sidewalk. “It’s okay,” she murmured, knowing that he couldn’t hear her. “It’s not your fault.”

     In less than a minute, his eyes fluttered open. “I’m sorry,” he muttered as she removed her arm and let him resume his sitting position of before. Laying his head on his knees, he moaned softly. “Waking up is the worst part, in case you wondered.”

     “I had no idea,” she attempted a small successful laugh, feeling a little awkward. “Thanks for sharing.”

     He drew in a deep breath. “No problem. Thanks for being here, I really mean that.”

     She nodded, not knowing what else to say.

     “If I could get something sweet, like licorice, it’ll help.”

     She drew her eyebrows together. “There’s a candy store just down the street but I don’t wanna leave you here alone like this.”

     He raised his head and smiled. “If you don’t hurry, I am just going to pass out on you again.”

     This time her laugh came more easily. “I’ll be fast.”

     Luckily, due to the increasing late hour, the candy store line wasn’t very long at all and within five minutes, Nadine was jogging back across the street with a bag of licorice. The young man was still in the same position as she left him, but he lifted his head and smiled again as she drew close. 

     She opened the bag and handed him a stick of the candy. “It’s what they had.”

     “Thank you.” He bit into it and began chewing slowly. 

     Nadine lowered herself down beside him and shivered. “Where’s your home?”

     “King’s Court,” he replied, referring to the local trailer park about a mile away. He finished the licorice stick and reached for another. “Thank you so much again for helping me. My name’s Trevor, what’s yours?”

     “Nadine.”

     “Well thank you, Nadine. And I am really sorry about your brother.”

     She nodded. “I was happy to help, Trevor. It, uh, it helped me too.”

     “I get that. Where do you live?"

     For several minutes, they talked while he ate and then he said, “It’s getting pretty cold and I am feeling a little better, I think I might have to get going.”

     She stood up quickly. “Oh yes, it’s quite late.” She hesitated and then reached out her hand.

     Grabbing hold of it, he climbed slowly to one knee and stayed there a second, pinching the bridge area between his eyes and nose. “Sorry, give me a second.”

     “No problem.”

    After a minute, he got to his feet and stood a tad unsteadily. “I hate to bother you anymore but could you walk me home.”

    She smiled. “Absolutely.” No need to tell him that she was going to offer anyway.

     Later that night, after returning home herself, Nadine flopped down onto her couch and closed her eyes. Without Trevor’s welcome distraction, her thoughts returned to Sam and then the tears came again. Images and memories of Sam mixed with recollections of the evening with Trevor. 

     She remembered the gift that she had picked out so carefully for her brother last year and the delight that it had brought to him. It hurt too much to let her mind go to where she had hidden his gift for this year, knowing that she would never be able to give it to him. Never. . .

     Christmas Morning 2024

     Groggily, Nadine sat up on the couch and drew her the back of her hand across her eyes. Realizing that she had slept through the entire night on her couch, she groaned. “Wow, I musta been tired.”

      Then her eyes flitted to the calendar beside the clock on the wall. It’s Christmas morning! But it was Christmas without Sam and the returning thought almost made her start crying again. 

      A knock rattled her front door and jerked her to her feet, her eyes seeking the mirror in the nearest wall to see if she was presentable. Her hair was a mess but it was too late, for the knock came again and when she opened the door, she felt her mouth fall open.

     “How-how did you get here?”

     Trevor laughed in a quiet way. “You told me where you lived, silly. You think I wouldn’t come visit after that?” He shrugged. “I haven’t got anyone else to go see today. Happy Christmas!”

     Nadine returned the greeting, feeling a rush of emotion - part sadness, part gladness - and a sort of fondness for someone she hardly knew who was apparently going to be an unexpected brightness in what would have otherwise been a gloomy day. “Well, please, please come in. I haven’t got anyone else to visit either!”