Hold on...

The trees blur right on sight as I pass each one slowly, driving to our place. I can't even understand why I'm torturing myself like this, but I need to do this, it feels right. It feels like closure, like letting go, but it also kinda feels like grabbing on.

I finally arrive at our place. The burgundy couches still looks as polished as before, one might say that they even look new. Did they buy new couches?

I brisk walk to our favorite couch.

The waiter comes to my table to attend to me. She flashes a full smile and I successfully force a smile back.

I am just here for dessert. I say before she can utter any word.

Ice cream. Please...

The familiar scent invades my senses and I see him in from of me. I feel his presence, and I see his smile.

You look beautiful today, as always.

I smile with pride and think of a modest answer to give.

Then the voice rings in my ears.

Ofcause you look beautiful. You know it, you took two hours preparing yourself.

My third ice cream bowl arrives. I somehow wonder if I should substitute this for tequila shots.

I sit and look around while I drown myself in ice cream. A cozy laughing couple sitting not that far from me brings back nostalgia.

They are whispering to each other, holding hands and looking deep into each other's eyes.

They are going to break up one day, I think with a sigh.

I see the waitrons stealing glances on my side as people come and leave.

I remain. Still infused in my self imposed ice cream eating contest with myself.

Mam, we closed 15 minutes ago. One voice says apologetically.

I'm so sorry, please give me the bill.

*********

I am driving fast today, to head to my well of memories, I want to do this, I don't know why. Maybe I want to feel something, maybe I want to relive those memories.

The host at the door greats me excitedly.

He leads me to our...my usual table.

The waiter greats me, I smile.

Ice cream.

I think about him again, about us, especially about our first date. How nervous we both were, but every time he held my hand, or look at me, I felt it, that electricity that indicated that he was the one.

***********

You look sexy in your oversized pajamas.

You look so beautiful when your hair is messy.

I'm so lucky to have you.

Why do you keep on saying that you are lucky to have me?

Because of everything that you are.

We continue to eat.

********

I am at the Waterfall Hotel and looking at the waterfall from the window.

He wakes up, I look at him and we smile. We share a short kiss.

I wait for the compliment, there is none. I feel my stomach churn and I force a smile.

How did you sleep?

I slept well, how about you?

Great.

Do you wanna watch Tik tok?

We watch Tik tock videos.

He tells me about how lucky he is to have me and how he wouldn't have it in any other way. I feel relieved, and things feel normal again.

He continues to compliment me as I begin to think about the essay due in a few days.

I feel the necessity to finally say it...

I'm going to date someone else in the future?

Does this mean that I can't keep a man? Does this mean that I can't make a man stay?

He is my first love and we have to be together forever.

So, I snap out of my thoughts and I listen to him.

"You are the best woman for me."

I smile.

He takes out his phone and we watch videos on Tick tock.

We take pictures with me making bunny ears on his head, we both have our tongues sticking out and people flood the comment section with hearts and words to express their envy.

I will tell him another time.

************

The white throw is spread around the lush grass. Red rose pedals are spread all over it. I'm blushing in disbelief and happy that someone went out of their way for me.

I have to tell him how I feel, I have to end this. He deserves better than this.

I get a choking feeling every time I want to utter the forbidden words.

He is a great , he loves you, he is humble and sweet and he would never cheat on you. What else do you want?

I smile and feed him a strawberry. We smile at each other. We take our phones and play games in silence.

Is this a comfortable of uncomfortable silence?

I need to tell you something...

Yes, what is it?

I think that we should break up. This is entirely my fault, I know, but, we should really break up.

I feel my stomach churn and my heart race.

A tear falls from my eye and I stare at him in disbelief.

He takes a deep breath realizing what is unfolding.

I see panick in his eyes and instant regret.

I have no idea why I said that, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean it and I don't ever want to lose you.

I know.

But you know that we have to do this.

Why does it feel so terrible?

Because we love each other.

Let's not break up.

I nod in agreement and we hold each other.

I love you.

I love you way more.

Crickets.

You look beautiful today, you always do.

Thank you.

There's this pretty sick video that I saw on Tik tok.

Wait...

What's wrong?

I'm going to walk away, and we will never see each other again. It's not you, I have to do this. Don't contact me or try to get back together.

I immediately pull away from him, he is stunned. I turn and walk in an opposite direction, I turn and see his shocked face looking at my direction.

I continue to walk on and fight the urge to turn around.