Imperfect and Beautiful

CW: Contains themes of pet loss and grief

The sound of sniffles echoed through the hallway. Only the light from my phone illuminated the way as I quietly approached the door from which the sounds were coming. I gently touched the door and opened it just enough to peek inside.

A big pile of stuffed animals and blankets was on a small bed in the corner of the room. I watched patiently until I saw the pile shift slightly. Another sleepy cry came from under the layers, undoubtedly the sound of my four-year-old daughter.

It made my heart break to hear quiet sobs coming from inside. I bit my lip, unsure of what to do. 

Should I talk to her about it? Or would it make it worse to bring up the subject?

Making a decision, I carefully closed the door and walked down the hallway to my room. As I entered the bathroom, I passed my husband, Jake, lying on the bed with his phone.

I filled my hands with water from the sink and rinsed my face.

Jake called out to me in a soft voice, “Hey, Mary. How’s Tessa doing?”

I dried my face with a towel and let out a breath. “Still the same.” I started to brush my teeth when I examined my reflection in the mirror. It looked tired and pale, a reminder of how lost and desperate I was. I squeezed my eyes shut and rubbed my forehead with one hand. I finished brushing my teeth and spat out the excess toothpaste.

After putting on my pajamas, I crawled into bed and under the covers. I glanced at Jake beside me; he was still scrolling through his phone, doing who knows what. 

Staring at the ceiling, I whispered, “I don’t know what to do, Jake.”

Jake set his phone down and turned to face me. “What do you mean?”

I looked at him. “It’s been over a month since we had to put Daisy down, and Tessa is still having a hard time falling asleep at night. But her mood has been so random. For example, today when we went to the park for a play date with her friends, she was having a great time until she saw someone walking a dog. She ran to me bawling. Jessica noticed and approached me, concerned for Tessa. She started asking for details and was insistent that she could help.” I folded my arms and let out a breath of air. “Seriously, it’s just a dog. I’m beginning to think Tessa might be faking the whole act to get attention.”

Jake looked like he was thinking. “Do… do you think telling her Daisy was just missing was a bad idea? Maybe that false hope is making her discouraged.”

I rubbed my hands down my face. “I don’t know. I don’t know what to do.” I said, feeling discouraged myself.

After turning off his lamp, Jake put his phone away and tucked himself into the covers. He moved closer to me and put an arm over me. I naturally rested my head on his shoulder. 

He whispered in my ear, “How about you go over to your mom’s tomorrow? She might have some good advice.”

Exhausted, I nodded and mumbled, “Yeah, I think I’ll do that.” 

***

At my parents’ house, my mother and I sat together on the sofa in the living room. A warm fire crackled in the old brick fireplace, which had been there since I was a little girl. The cozy home brought back fond memories of my childhood when I would have conversations with my mom just like this. Sometimes we talked about boy drama or school, while other times it was about a rough day. Regardless of the issue, everything was always resolved after talking with my mom.

I looked from my mom to Tessa who was drawing on the floor across the room. Even from a distance, Tessa’s demeanor appeared significantly different. Her usual twinkling eyes had lost their spark and showed little emotion. Even her skin seemed to have lost its color as if a dark shadow was covering her.

“How long has it been since the dog was put down?” Mom asked in a hushed voice while observing her young granddaughter.

“About a month.”

“How did she receive the news?”

I sighed. “I told her after daycare that the dog was missing. Jake and I both knew that Daisy had been having some issues and would have to be put down eventually, but we weren’t sure how to tell Tessa. The idea of having her say goodbye to Daisy and trying to explain that she would never see her again is… too hard to imagine. Tessa probably doesn’t even understand the concept of death. At the time, it just seemed easier to tell her the dog was missing. That’s something she can understand.” I rested my head in my hands and gazed at Tessa. “I don’t know why she is having such a hard time. It’s just a dog. I understand that it’s sad, but it’s been so long. She still hasn’t forgotten it. I’ve done so many things to get her mind off it, but she somehow lands back into the pit of despair.” 

Mom sat in deep thought for a moment before standing up and walking over to the shelf by the fireplace. She pulled out a thick book—the family photo album. Then, she returned to the sofa and placed the book on her lap.

“I’m so glad I have this,” Mom said as she flipped through the pages of the photo book. 

The book was filled with pictures of me and my siblings at the beach, on vacation, and throughout our everyday lives. 

Mom flipped to the very beginning, searching for something specific. She stopped at a section showcasing pictures of a tiny baby. My heart stopped when I saw a picture of my mom and dad holding an infant in their arms. Their faces reflected sorrow instead of joy. Unlike the other baby pictures of me and my siblings, this baby appeared abnormally pale, almost like a doll.

“I have so many memories in this book, but I don’t limit it to just happy ones.” Mom smoothed out the page. “I still keep these pictures of your sister, because she is someone I still miss very much. I got to carry her in my belly for nine months and hold her in my arms for a single day. It was the hardest day in my life, as I’ve told you before, but your dad and I still spent every minute we could with her. I believe… it is important to say our goodbyes, even when it’s hard. I think that way, we can move forward without feeling the burden of guilt. But saying goodbye doesn’t mean forgetting. No matter how old I get, I won’t forget her, but I can still live my life with a smile.” Looking back at Tessa, Mom wrapped an arm around me and squeezed my arm. “You can’t expect her to forget a big portion of her life.” 

I observed Tessa as I remembered watching her play outside with the golden retriever nearly every day in the summer. Tessa loved to throw the ball for Daisy, but she always got frustrated when Daisy didn’t bring the ball back. Tessa would chase her around the yard in circles trying to catch her, but she still loved her dog. Even as a baby, Tessa would stick her hand out of the stroller to touch Daisy’s fur while on our daily walks. The two of them were hardly ever seen apart. 

I looked down at my hands as I said, “That dog was her family, basically a sister to her.”

Mom nodded. “You can only understand someone’s pain when you truly step into their shoes.”

“So what should I do?”

“That’s up to you. You know Tessa better than I do. All I can do is give you advice.”

“I wish you could just tell me what to do. That would be much easier.”

“I wish I could, but I'm not the only mom in this room.”

I gave a small smile. “You’re definitely a better mom than I am. You were perfect.”

“Don’t say that, Mary. You’re still learning. And I still have so many regrets about the decisions I made as a parent. Remember how I never let you go to sleepovers until you were in high school? I thought that was a good age, but at that point, you were getting too old for slumber parties. I feel like you missed your opportunity to enjoy that as a kid. And I know how upset you were when your friends were having a sleepover, and I didn’t let you go.”

“It was just a small thing.”

“I know, but I wanted to be the perfect mom. I think I was too consumed over it, and I forgot to remind myself that moms and dads are imperfect people.” Mom closed the picture book. “So don’t forget that. You’re going to make so many mistakes in your life. So many! But you’ll learn from them, and Tessa will soon realize that you are trying to do the best thing for her.”

My eyes began to get misty. I swallowed a lump that had been building up in my throat. “I’m really trying.” My voice cracked slightly, and I tried to compose myself. “But I don’t feel like I know what I’m doing.”

Mom grinned. “None of us do. Being a mom means you have to wing it sometimes.”

That made me chuckle. I sniffed and smiled back at her. “Thanks.”

The two of us sat in silence for a minute with Mom’s arms wrapped around me. Eventually, Mom noticed Tessa putting the crayons away. “Hey Sweety, can you show Grammy your picture?”

Tessa walked over to us with the paper in her hand. Mom took the drawing and held it up. “Well look at that,” she said, placing the piece of paper in her lap. “Now what’s this?” Mom pointed to the top corner of the paper.

Tessa looked at it and shrugged, but I knew Tessa just didn’t want to say anything.

Mom squinted at it. “Is it a bird?”

Tessa shook her head.

“Is it a penguin?” 

Tessa’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “No,” she replied, as if that were the most ridiculous question imaginable.

I looked at it and said, “I think it’s the sun. See the lines shooting out of it. It’s like the rays from the sun, but she also drew in different colors, like a sunset. That’s very artistic.”

Tessa smiled at that. “It has a smiley face,” she added and pointed at the smiley face on the sun. It was really hard to tell, but someone might be able to make out the face on the sun. Tessa frowned when she saw our confused expressions. “It’s not very good.” She mumbled.

“No, it’s beautiful.” Mom smiled. “You’re just like your mom, Tessa. Did you know that?” 

Tessa only raised an eyebrow in confusion. 

Mom gave the picture back to her. “Here, go put it on the fridge so I can see it every day.”

“Okay.” She eagerly pounced into the kitchen with her colorful drawing in hand.

I stood up and grabbed my purse off the floor. “Well, it’s about time we head home. Tessa is going to want some lunch.”

“You can have lunch here if you want. I just have a few people coming over for a Bible study later today.”

I shake my head. “No, it’s okay. Besides, you gave me some things to think about. I’ll be making a few phone calls.”

Mom nodded. “Well, alright. Remember, you can come here anytime.”

***

It was the next morning, and I had just finished putting the egg casserole into the oven. I grabbed a damp cloth and wiped down the kitchen. Tessa was in the other room, playing with her dolls. I could see her on the floor, pretending to feed one of the dolls some plastic food. However, the excitement of being at Mom’s house was wearing off, and she seemed to be slipping back into her emotionless state.

I hated seeing her like that. “Hey, what are you doing over there?”

She barely acknowledged me and didn’t say anything.

I bit my lip and added, “Tessa, Daddy is coming with a surprise today.”

That caught her attention. She looked at me and asked, “What is it?”

I gave her a secretive smile. “You’ll wait to find out!”

Usually, Jake would go to work out in the morning, but today, I asked him to pick up something special very early before he needed to go to the office.

Just then, I heard the back door open and Jake entered the house. Out of curiosity, Tessa put down her toys and came over to where I was standing in the kitchen. Jake left his computer bag on the floor to carry a crate into the kitchen. Tessa gasped and ran to the crate as soon as Jake set it on the ground. Without hesitation, Tessa began unlatching the locks, although she had some difficulty. With Jake’s help, the crate door burst open and a fluffy golden retriever dashed across the room.

“Daisy!” Tessa shrieked with joy. 

The dog pounced into the living room excitedly, running in circles around the coffee table and even jumping on some of the furniture. 

I tried to smile, but I bit my lip nervously as I anticipated one of my lamps crashing to the floor. Jake came over to my side and held my hand. I gripped it tight. 

Tessa began running after the energetic creature and calling to it. She picked up one of Daisy’s old chew toys, a worn-out stuffed duck, and waved it at the dog.

Unfortunately for Tessa, the dog just pushed past her as it searched the house. It investigated every room as if it was for the first time. 

Tessa slowly let the stuffed toy in her hand fall to the ground. She avoided my gaze as she mumbled, “It’s not Daisy.”

She knew.

Jake glanced at me, uncertain of what to do.

A breath of air slowly blew out of my mouth. I walked over to her and got on my knees to match her height. I looked right into her eyes. “You’re right, it’s not Daisy. She looks a lot like Daisy, but it isn’t her. She is from an animal shelter. Daddy and I decided to get another dog, to keep you company and to play with you.”

“Then where’s Daisy?” Tessa’s eyes were lined with tears.

My own eyes began to water just looking at her. “She…got sick a while ago and died. She wasn’t missing. Mommy didn’t tell you the truth, and I’m sorry. I should have let you say goodbye to Daisy before she went away.” Without another word, I picked Tessa up, scooping her into my arms and hugging her. Tessa clung to me as she buried her head into my neck. I could feel her tears soak into my shirt. In some way, Tessa seemed to understand what I meant. 

Gently, I rocked side to side. In a moment, Jake had his arms wrapped around both of us. “Mommy will do better,” I whispered even though neither of them probably heard me. 

I wasn’t sure how long we were huddled together, but Tessa eventually lifted her head. I know my eyes were probably red, but I smiled at her. “Can you forgive me?”

Whether she understood the meaning of that, she nodded her head. 

The dog that Jake brought in finally decided to come over to us to see what was going on. Breathing heavily with its tongue out, it looked up at us with curiosity. 

“I think she has a name. Doesn’t she, Jake?” I asked.

He nodded. “Yeah, I think it was Dawn.”

Tessa just stared at the dog.

“We can change her name if you’d like. ” I said to Tessa.

She shook her head. “No, I like it.”

“Would you like to take her outside and show her all the toys we have out there? She isn’t Daisy, but I’m sure you two can still be friends. You know, Dawn has been very lonely for a while when she was at the animal shelter. She probably needs a good friend. Can you do that?”

Tessa didn’t answer for a second, but after wiping her tears with her sleeve, she nodded.

Gingerly, I sat Tessa on the ground. She picked up the stuffed duck off the floor and walked over to the sliding door near the kitchen. Just like she used to with Daisy, Tessa opened the sliding door and waved the toy in the opening leading to the fenced backyard. 

“Here! Here!” She said, shaking the toy duck.

Instinctively, Dawn ran to the duck, snatched it in her mouth, and raced outside. 

Tessa let out a giggle and chased after her.

I walked up to the doorway and watched the two of them running around the yard, playfully teasing each other with the toys. As the sun began to rise, it created beautiful hues of pink in the sky, which gave a nice touch to the moment. 

Jake came up to my side and put his arm on my shoulder. Without even looking at me, he handed me a tissue. He somehow always knew my needs. I take the tissue and blow my nose.

“I really need to get these emotions under control,” I said as I folded the tissue.

“Oh, it’s not your fault.” He put his hand on my belly, which had been notably getting bigger the past few weeks.

I placed my hand over his. “I want to be the best mom… and wife, for this family.”

Jake pressed his lips to my forehead. “You already are.”