Passion stew

I am but a girl who’s strange. I’ve been a boy before for a split second. Confusion swirled around my puberty creating illusions. But now, I love being a girl. A human woman.

People don’t always say it to my face. They’ll say it behind your back where they think you can’t hear them. Where they feel you’re out of arms reach. But I’m still there. I’m always there listening in the dark.

Eyes closed, ears open.

But I'm no longer running from my peculiarities. You can never run away from all that you are. Maybe attempt to cover her with a cloth, but she’s always staining you with her glories.

Then guess what? You’re left with a feeling of isolation; you’ll start to hate the whole world. Feelings of fear, fatality, ideation of death. You’ve lost so much your scars don’t recognize you.

The things you built, they fell apart against the bridges that supported them.

And who was there by your side when all gold things tarnished? Just you. They begin to believe they were destined to be alone.

To stand in the spot moving through the mirrors that others had placed before her, abandoning her. You hold on too tight to something, it crushes beneath your hand to dust.

YOU CAN NEVER HIDE.

Then one faithful day, sweet words play in your dreams. Words that whisper. Words so tender and sweet. A feeling that shakes your core– bringing a smile to your lips.

You’re unaware how it happened at first, but it’s snaked its way around you. It’s morphed into your skin. You ask questions, and there are answers delivered to your front door.

There's sweet, soul aching carvings surrounding your world now. Words that allow you to believe. To dream again.

Then months are spent in awe. Not all the months, some you feel massive longing. Some you feel hope. Some you wait, you search. You scream. You fight. You create. You pray. You ask, and ask, and ask again. Then nothing in the form of everything stays by your side. You’ve believed in her love, her beauty and especially her virtue.

I thank you so much for loving me. I praise the ground you walk on. I believe in you.

But it’s a kettle. The water can’t burn forever. Yet, I am powerless against my fate. All I can do is watch as it pushes me, trashing me against the wall like a rag doll.

For if I was to turn bitter, it’ll eat me as a snack. That’s what I fear. True love doesn’t eat you for vulnerability. My love doesn’t eat me or you and us.

It’s just how much I want you in my arms that fears me. To kiss you, be with you, to touch you, to hear your breath. I recite these words everyday like a prayer.

Am I destined to always yearn for you.

The wall of devotion, it feels like it’s shattering.

There’s a pit of passion cooking in my pancreas.

A stew.

You’re what I believe in.

I haven’t even touched you yet, all I’ve felt is your face in my hand, your kindness. It was all in my dreams.

Now I begin to think, was it all a lie?

Was it all a dream?

Everyone makes it seem so easy to live this way. No one fully grasps this.

You’re the only one for me. You’re a necessity.

What if I was wrong the whole time? How is it possible I could have you?

Have I been tricking myself all along?

No one can save me from my faith. I hate being insecure this way. I truly hate believing the words of the shadows.

But if I could just kiss you. Months spent fantasizing about you, about us. Months spent being promised your chest beating against mine.

I don’t even know your name.

I don’t have proof you’re real.

My tears just come so freely now.

I hate that I believed but why should I?

I don’t know who to ask.

God has left my beliefs a while ago. I isolated the world.

I can’t ask you anymore. Is that evil? Can I abandon the idea of you?

But I can’t. I look for you everywhere. In every eye that lands mine. And you’re not there.

But I can’t ask you for courage.

I’m falling apart. I’m afraid what will turn of this pain, if not bitterness.

Though, bitterness shall not squeak the safety.

My safe haven.

I see you in my bed where I lay my head. You stay next to me breathing air into my lungs.

A butterfly, you are a fleeting dream.

I will continue to cry for you even when you’re in my arms. I can never erase your love.

But the feelings fry me in sauces dressing up my wounds for appeal. There’s no way or place I could ever hide from you. Here I am, our story unfinished. Or perhaps barely begun.

The days just get heavier. The feeling of your love gets nearer, yet I see nothing in my view.

Why are you not here in my world?

No matter how many questions, no one can ever answer me. Nothing can deliver me from your mystery. Nothing but you.

Oh, won't you come and save me now my love!

When there's trouble in the ocean, when my life feels dark, when the sky is no longer blue, who do you think will bring me to the shore?

Yes, it is you.

A pain no one but me understands. Me and you. Us.

You feel my pain too I know it. And there's nothing I want but to take it from you.

I want to kiss your love with a sensuality so crispy it'll emborder itself in your name.

To make a new destiny for us.

She came into my life at a time there were no flowers. She turned the leaves into trees which the branches took root in the world.

A shooting star is no match for you, my beloved.

Not even all the spells I've done has captured your essence.

So yes, like a fool I still search for her everywhere. I reach into my dreams asking questions.

And like a fool, I get silence again.

Yet, I can't do anything but feel this. Nothing to do but feel you.

Just when will our stars collide?

The reality can meet me at the store this time.

My tears can fade into streams of river that give life to those who need it.