Gold Fever

Dear Caroline,

I already miss you! I have a constant feeling that I left behind something of great importance. It keeps me up at night: thinking about you and our future life… when this is all over. 

I hope my letter reaches you. I know you always wanted to see New Orleans. How is it? How do you feel yourself? Are you getting along with your parents? I know you have not seen them since Jane… 

Today I left the borders of civilization and journeyed to the west. Finally after endless plains I saw the mountains. I wish you could see how majestic they are! I think about you every time when I take the path under the pines listening to the song of the birds and the trickling sound of the stream. Remember our times in Columbus? The long walks we took along the shores of the Chattahoochee? If it’s even possible, the Colorado is even more beautiful. I can not help just to look at its mighty canyons in amazement as we are drifting towards our final destination: California. 

If my mission is successful there, then money won’t be an obstacle in front of us anymore. And if the rumors are true, then the mountains hide more than enough gold for all my companions. Some of them are good people, who came here with similar reasons like me. Just one shiny smile from lady luck and I will travel right back to you. We could finally start the life we always dreamt of. We could finally be free. Really free. 

But not everyone is like me here. Our guide, named Coyote, claims he already had been in California multiple times, and knows exactly where to look for gold. I get a bad feeling every time I just look at his shrewd face. I will keep an eye on him. 

I will hurry to get the job done as soon as possible and be with you by thanksgiving!

John

Dear John!

I miss you too! Yes, I always would like to see New Orleans, and yes, it is really a great place, filled with all kinds of shops, places, and people. It’s a spectacular city filled with distractions, but nothing can distract me from the growing feeling in my heart that I am alone. I often just lose myself and just watch the distant horizon from my window, hoping that you will appear riding home. 

I never felt like this. Yes i was alone many times before, but i always knew that you are close to me. Now, I just  feel abandoned. I am sorry John, but I don't know how long I can endure this feeling. I wish we could just go back to Columbus to our small cottage and live a simple life there. Always dream big, as everyone used to say, but I feel like it means not valuing the small things we have. 

I think my parents are lonely too. They barely speak. Father spends days locked inside his workshop, and Mother doesn’t do anything else but go back and forth between the church and home… They used to love each other. Before Jane… I am worried about them. The burdens of the past are weighing heavily on them. I would like to help them share their load, but I don’t know if I can bear it. I have plenty of my own…

Please be careful in the wilderness! Keep together with your mates! Always have each other’s back! I would like to know you in safety! I am worried about you! I look at the newspapers every day, maybe I can get some kind of information from the rush. I hear news about all kinds of danger…

Be careful! And hurry back!

Caroline

My dear Caroline,

Today we reached the area of Sutter’s Mill, where we will be dwelling for the next months to come. 

Coyote took us to the local tribes to introduce us. I saw natives for the first time in my entire life. And honestly… It was disappointing. Coyote gave them two barrels of cheap whiskey, and it seemed like everything the chieftain, Crazyhorse, ever wanted. I thought the natives are proud and strong people. I have never seen misery like theirs. They were utterly lost and defeated. Coyote said we just paid them off so we can work on their land safely, but I doubt they could mean any danger. I think Coyote just enjoyed making their misery even worse.

A little native girl followed us to our campsite. I saw her only when Coyote chased her away. 

She was around twelve. My heart cried after her. She is about the age of Jane. What if someone had chased her away so ruthlessly? Maybe I should try to at least do something to help… But that is not why I came here. This job will take more from me than I anticipated. 

I think about you every day. It’s the only thing keeping me strong. When this is all over we will have the means to start the life we wanted. Our dreams are within an arm’s reach. We just need to jump the obstacles, and we will live it tomorrow. 

I can’t wait to see you again! Keep the folks together at home! Do not let one tragedy tear this family apart. If someone knows how to put a smile on their face, it's you Caroline!

Stay strong my love! Soon we'll be together again!

John

Dear John,

Today I visited Jane’s grave. I just sat beside her for hours talking my soul out. It feels like she is the only person I can really talk to here. Am I crazy? Anywhere I go here it feels strange. The people looking at me oddly: what does a woman do here without a man? I feel like I can not connect to anyone here. I tried to make friends in the neighborhood, but every woman is the same here. A housewife sitting home, locked away from the events of the great world. Once someone puts a ring on their finger they cease to exist. Tell me John, that it is not my future! I won’t be like a precious jewel, which never sees the sunlight! I hate it that my freedom is not in my hands. But at least it is in the only hands I trust: yours. 

I helped my father in the workshop, and we could talk. He said that after Jane’s passing they had no shared projects with mom, so they grew apart. He said that it is natural and going to happen with everyone, but regardless he still loves mom. Even if he does not show any signs of it… I hope he is not right. I hope we will be different! 

I will go to the temple with Mom, and pray for your safe return. And I won't forget about that poor tribe too. Helping others is never a distraction from your own path. 

Follow your heart!

With love:

Caroline

Dear Caroline,

Coyote led us upriver where he suspects huge gold deposits to be found. I am working very hard to find it, but nothing so far. This job is really exhausting, and I barely have any energy at the end of the day. I am half asleep when writing this letter to you. But at least in my dreams I am together with you. We ride together down on the mountainside in the flowery meadows into the green forests. I think we could have our very own corner of the world here. Where we could be free like the birds. And I believe this is our future.  Once I find our fortune here, we can live according to our own rules. Hold on just until I return, and you will see the future like I do!

Do you remember my vow when I asked for your hand? I often think about that beautiful day in the shade of the great willow, the song of the birds and the sound of the rushing river. Our fate is one and the same since that very day. Hold on until I return with our fortune! Just think about what we could build with it! You are my spark, the only star in my skies out in the wilderness! Without you I feel like I become just another pair of working hands. Doing nothing else everyday, just working, sleeping and eating, then repeating this endless circle. 

Hold on a bit longer, and I will hurry back to you! A bit of suffering is worth a lifetime of happiness!

And we will be happy after I return! Because there is nothing why we would ever grow apart from each other!

John

Dear John,

No matter what we do, the world is here to break us. Everyone thinks that they are the lucky ones, the exceptions, but everyone is deceived. We are not the exceptions either. We are living the same cycle everyone else does. And we believe that it is the right thing to do. But I see now that our entire world was built upon lies. Our parents lie to us, our teachers and mentors lie to us, and we lie to ourselves that a better tomorrow will follow our hard work today. But the same sun rises every day in the east. We will never get out of the cycle. A bit of suffering might be worth a lifelong happiness, but look around. Everyone says the same, and everyone is just suffering. Maybe in death, we will get out of this circle, if that is not just another lie we have been taught.

I hope you found that gold and are already on your way back here because I am almost out of strength. I am sorry John but I don’t think I can wait any longer.  I don’t see the world filled with colors anymore. It's all gray. And nothing can distract me from this realization anymore. You are my only shelter John. You are my home. Please come back! I will wait one more month, then go after you!

Caroline

Dear Caroline,

You are always right.  I shouldn't have even come here. Far away from you. I feel myself so stupid… and furious. We found the gold, an entire mountain of it - enough for  our whole party. Our fortune was in my hands, but Coyote stole it. He even killed one of our mates. And one man got away with the fortune of 10 others. Leaving behind nothing but scraps. I could kill that man!

I will sell those tiny nuggets I have left and take another round up the mountain alone. It will take a bit more time, but I have to do this! I won’t be the man who can not provide for his family! I won't fail you! You could never see me with the same eyes again if I would just go back with empty hands. You put your future into these hands, and I don’t give you back anything.

If I would go back, then we might be happy for a moment, but what is a moment of happiness compared to a lifelong suffering? One day we would regret that moment and wish that I would have stayed out in the wild and found our fortune. And we would grow apart from each other and retreat into our own tiny worlds. Me locked inside my workshop for days, and you go back and forth between the temple and home. 

No! This is not the future I promised you when I asked for your hand!  I have to stay here and work unceasingly until I find what was stolen from us.

Do not follow me here! Stay with your parents, where it is safe! I could not handle if something would happen to you in the wilderness! I can not lose you too!

John