She's okay, she loves me

The plans I had today were important to me, but I knew I couldn’t go until I cleaned up a little in the flat first. I started with the bathroom - the shower had sick in it from last night, so I rinsed it with water first and then sprayed with bathroom cleaner. It was lucky I still had a face mask in one of the drawers that I could put on, as the smell was awful in there.

I quickly wiped the toilet and squeezed the last bits of bleach inside. Then moved onto the sink, wiped the limescale as much as I could, and rinsed the cloth.

As I walked out the bathroom into the one and only bedroom I shared with my mom, I almost tripped over some empty bottles. With a quiet sigh I grabbed nearest plastic bag that had some rubbish in and chucked the bottles inside it. Gathered all the other rubbish in the bedroom and put the bag in the living room, before I came back to the previous room, to clean up some clothes. I wanted to nicely fold them and put them on our little plastic clothing rack, but I realized most of these were dirty and stinky, so I put them in the laundry basket, that almost never gets cleaned.

The kitchen was disgusting. My mom must have tried to cook something when she came back, but all was left was mess. Dirty pans still on the stove, which was also full of old food and stains. Cupboard surfaces were sticky and smelly. I sprayed everything with a kitchen cleaner to soak, and turned to put dishes in the sink. I couldn’t do that, however, as there were plates and dishes already there. I quickly put some gloves on and tried to clean as many as possible. Shortly after I wiped the surfaces and felt a slight pride for my motivation.

When I walked into the living room, my motivation not only run away, but I started to feel tears coming up to my eyes. My mom was laying on the sofa, in a very uncomfortable position: her head was hanging off the edge, one of her arms as well, while the other was placed along her torso. Her legs were bent, to be able to fit between the sofa’s armrests. Her mouth was open, eyes closed, hair looked like she had a birds’ nest inside. I put a blanket over her, moved her head back on the pillow and took the empty vodka bottle away from her light grip. I quietly put it in the bin and looked at the time. I really needed to go to my meeting.

I did final check in the dirty mirror, looking at my used navy blue trainers, that were so dirty you couldn’t even tell the colour anymore. I had ripped jeans on, the only clean blouse I had in my drawer and a small backpack. Luckily my future meeting wasn’t too important.

I left the building, trying not to breathe in the mouldy smell that was on the staircase hall. Walls full of graffiti, floor that has never seen a brush, echo of my steps as I was walking to the ground floor - I hated all of this. Once outside, I took a deep breath of fresh air and turned right, towards the nearest cafe. It was only 10 minute walk, but the sun was shining, slight wind was touching my face, and I wished the walk could last longer. The disappointment must have been seen on my face as I walked in to the cafe, as the owner, ever so lovely older lady named Mary, looked at me and raised her eyebrows.

“What is that frown?” she said gently, as she came from behind the till and came closer to me. “What has happened?”

I shook my head.

“Nothing happened. Just the weather is so nice outside, I would love to have time to go for a long long walk”

She nodded agreeably.

“I feel you. I was considering getting some outside tables for the cafe, but the money is really tight right now”

“Isn’t it for us all” I tried to laugh it off, but both Mary and I couldn’t laugh about our life struggles.

“Your dad isn’t here yet, sit down, I will make you your favourite latte”

I sat on one of the comfy armchairs and grabbed a book from the shelf next to me. The back of it sounded very interesting, something about a lost boy that has reappeared years later. Maybe I could borrow it from Mary for those long, sad evenings.

A few minutes later I heard my name and looked up. My sweet dad walked up towards me, with a big bright smile on his face. He hugged me tight and long, before sitting on the chair next to me.

“It is so lovely to see you” he said, and I wasn’t sure if I saw it correctly but his eyes sparkled.

“I missed you dad” I said and my heart felt a little heavier. I don’t think about missing my dad very often, as I am so busy with school and my job, but when I do see him, I feel sad again, like all the missing I have been feeling between our meetings that I ignored, came all at once.

“How are you?” he said and quietly thanked Mary for bringing our coffees to the table.

“I’m good. School is going great, I will be graduating in a couple of months. Job is great, although tiring. They agreed for me to increase the hours once I am out of school.”

I saw my dad’s face change expression immediately from happy to concerned.

“What do you mean? What about college”

I laughed.

“Dad, don’t be silly. I can’t go to college.”

“But you love school and learning! When you were younger you were always talking about being a doctor or a lawyer or a professor. Why wouldn’t you continue with school?”

“I need to pay the bills, dad” I replied feeling uneasy on my stomach. “Your child support is generous, but it covers the rent only.”

“I can’t afford more, I am so sorry baby” his voice cracked.

“Hey, dad, no, it’s okay, please.” I grabbed his hand in mine and squeezed. “I manage to cover our other bills. It’s okay.”

“You deserve so much better, Cornelia, you should live with me and go to school. I can support you, you wouldn’t have to work”

“You know I can’t leave mom alone, she will hurt herself”

I sipped my coffee, while my dad was looking at me even more concerned than before.

“Your mom can’t be helped” he whispered. “She is too deep into alcoholism to even realize it.”

I shook my head.

“Don’t say that” I felt anger slowly appearing in my chest. “She is not an alcoholic, she just likes to drink occasionally. Like a lot of adults do.”

He licked his lips and closed his eyes, taking a few deeper breaths, before he spoke again.

“Your mom has not had a job in years. Spends all the money you earn on alcohol, gets drunk all night and sleeps all day. She has been like this when we were together and I couldn’t help her. You can’t help her either”

“She doesn’t need help, she’s fine. We spend time together, we laugh and joke, she doesn’t always drink!”

His face looked like he didn’t believe me. But there was also something in his face I couldn’t quiet place. A pity, maybe?

“Dad, please, we can’t be talking about it every time. Mom and I are fine, she is doing well, you don’t have to worry”

“You are 16. You shouldn’t be working full time jobs to cover the bills. It is her responsibility…”

“She is ill” I interrupted him. “She has had it hard in life and is coping with it as much as she can. She needs our support not judgment. She also stopped drinking as much, only a couple times a week now.” I shrugged. “Mom is getting better and quitting drinking. I promise”

“Baby, she isn’t getting better. She will be back to drinking every day again, as soon as she has more money. You need to leave, if you don’t want to live with me, just get out of that place and fend for yourself. You cannot be babysitting your own mom!”

“That’s enough.” I said and stood up. “You are so unsupportive of our life, no wonder she didn’t want to be with you.”

“Why do you keep denying how bad she is for you” his eyes swelled up with tears. “I want you to be happy and safe and healthy, your mom doesn’t care”

“She cares!” I raised my voice, but felt something heavy stuck in my throat. “She cares about me and she loves me.”

I grabbed my bag and left the cafe.