I chose this

The room is unfamiliar. I don’t know how I got here. 

“Hi Jim!” she says, her eyes sparkling as she waves in my direction. I swear I can hear Sweet Disposition playing in the background. When I say her eyes are sparkling, I really mean it. They’re hands down my favourite part of her. When she looks at you, and I mean, really looks at you, your heart feels like it will literally burst through your chest. 

I smile back at her, “Hi Kim.”

Why do I feel melancholic?

I’m sitting in a coffee shop. The walls are navy blue and white, and there's an embroidered trim connecting them to the ceiling. The room was crowded. 

It’s autumn outside and every time the door of the shop opens, a waft of cold air sneaks in, bringing with it the smell of wet leaves and an approaching winter. It’s that moment of the season when you start noticing the evenings getting darker earlier and earlier. I understand how some people can get seasonal depression, but I’m one hundred percent the opposite. 

I love the way the brisk air fills my lungs in the morning. I love the way it feels like the soundtrack to my life becomes a carousel of lofi mixes, jazz and folk music. Everywhere you look, you see sweaters and cozy fashion, shades of browns, oranges, blues and blacks. 

Kim walks merrily over to my table after getting her drink. Green tea. Or at least, I think it’s green tea. I can’t remember. I know she loves green tea, though.

She sits down in front of me. “How are you?” 

The sound of her voice instantly calms me like a great deep breath. I’m answering her question, but I realize I’m not even paying attention to the words coming out of my mouth. I’m focused solely on her.

“What are you looking at?” She asks, tilting her head to one side. Ugh, she kills me. 

“Uh-nothing.” I laugh, blushing. 

“You like me or something?” She said unabashedly.

She had no idea. 

“I..” 

I feel the room begin to shake. No one else was noticing. Wait. There was no one else in the room except us and the baristas. 

That’s odd. 

The barista at the cash register was having a conversation as if there was someone standing in front of them, and the barista at the bar was handing a drink to thin air.

Kim continued to look at me, waiting for me to continue my sentence.

“Um….where did everyone go?” I asked as I looked around, trying to figure out what was going on.

She didn’t answer. It looked as if she had been paused, waiting for someone to press play and continue the tape.

The door of the coffee shop opened but no one came in. It just swung open and closed. No cold air. No fall smells; just the creaking sound of the door opening and closing. When I looked around the room again, the walls no longer had colour. As a matter of fact, I wasn’t sure they ever had colour to begin with. 

I stood up from my chair. Kim didn’t react. 

“This isn’t right.” I say under my breath as I walk up to the barista at the bar. “You see this, right?” 

The barista looked right past me. “Dark roast coffee for -.” They said a name but all I heard come out of their mouth was a weird humming noise. They repeated, “Coffee for -” and again, the same humming noise.

I turned to face Kim, this time there were no more chairs or tables in the coffee shop. Actually, there was no more coffee shop. The walls of the cafe were gone. I turned back around to the baristas, and they had disappeared too. All that was left was Kim and I, outside, a lone cafe table and chairs, and the few trees blowing in the wind. The wind made no sound. There was no smell either and I didn’t feel the cold at all. None of this is making sense.

Then it hit me. This isn’t the first time I’ve gone through this. There’s a reason that I don’t remember how I got here. It’s because how I got here doesn’t exist anymore. This is a memory. This is a memory that’s about to be erased. I’ve made a terrible mistake.

I ran back to the table. Kim still sat there, staring at where I was sitting in the chair, smiling at my would be spot in front of her. I sat back down and grabbed her hands.

“Please, I can’t lose this one. Not this one. Please. We have to stop this.” 

She stared back at me. No reaction.

Tears started to well up in my eyes. I was trying to think of any way I could stop this. However, I knew it was impossible. I asked for this. I signed up for this. A week ago, I went to the clinic to be part of this trial. 

“Looking for individuals, between the ages of 25-40 who have recently experienced loss.”

The promise: a new drug that would erase the memories related to that loss. They would map your brain synapses using specific memories. Then, they would customize a unique drug that would erase those memories. “A cure for heartbreak”, they said. 

This memory. This was the first time I told Kim I loved her. I can’t remember any of the times after. I guess those memories have already been erased. I can’t stop this. All I can do is be in this moment. Finish it. 

The trees are gone, there's no wind, there’s nothing. Just me, Kim, a table and two chairs. 

I look at her. I try to hold onto everything and anything I can. The big grey wool crew neck sweater she was wearing. Her blue jeans with a little tear on the knee. The way the tip of her nose was still a little red from the cool air outside. The look she’s giving me right now. 

I squeeze her hands tight in mine. “I love you.”

“I know.” Smirking, she laughs. “I love you too.”

Just like that, everything disappears. 

The room is unfamiliar. I don’t know how I got here.