Thinking Out Loud

      “I’ve been thinking lately.” Kaitlyn said from the kitchen where she was making lunch, her hair slowly falling out of the bun she put it in because her curls would never be tamed. The brown twists constantly falling in her face. Sam always found her gorgeous regardless of how much or how little she tried to be.

           “That must hurt.” Sam responded, laughing and walking towards her. This was his dream that he was confused about how he ever deserved it.

           “Fuck you.” Kaitlyn glared at him, crossing her arms over her chest. She huffed and tried to get a mass of brown out of her eyes without touching the hair. Sam always thought it was cute when she did that.

           “I didn’t mean that, and you know it.” Sam wrapped his arms around her and kissed her cheek. Kaitlyn sighed and leaned away from the counter and into his touch, relaxing her arms. “What were you thinking love?” Sam asked as he pulled her even closer.

           “We’ve been together for three years, we live together, and yet I don’t know anything about your family or your job. I’ve never met any of your family or coworkers. You never talk about any of them.” Kaitlyn turned around to look up at Sam. “I understood when we first started dating to some extent. Everyone has stuff they don’t share early in a relationship. And then I guess I just got comfortable with not knowing. But we’ve lived together for a year, and I still know nothing.”

           Sam was quiet as he looked down at Kaitlyn. He contemplated what to tell her as he brushed the strand of hair behind her ear, only for it to immediately fall back into her eyes. He knew she was right and that it would come up eventually, but he still wasn’t prepared. He guessed he had gotten comfortable that she’d never ask. He definitely should have prepared, because it definitely felt like his heart turned into a rock and dropped to the floor. It felt like the moment that he loses everything that he dreamed about.

           “I’ve said too much. I don’t mean to pry. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I’m sorry.” Kaitlyn started rambling and looked down at her feet, more of her hair falling into her face. So, Sam grabbed her chin and made her look at him. He kissed her forehead before he spoke, maintaining eye contact.

           “It’s okay my love. You have no reason to apologize.” He smiled and released her chin, she leaned into the counter a little bit, making her even shorter. And making Sam miss her touch just a little bit.

           “I’m sorry for asking.” She looked down at her feet again, even shuffled them a little bit. Sam bent down to meet her eyes, which really hurt his shoulders and spine, but he would never admit that to her, she loved it too much when he did it. His over six-foot self being at the same height as her five foot something self.

           “It’s alright. I knew you’d ask eventually. I just never prepared myself for when you did.” Sam stood back up, rolled out his shoulders a little and as subtly as he could, and reached for Kaitlyn’s hand. “C’mon. I’ll tell you but we should sit down first.” Kaitlyn put her hand in his and he led them to the reading nook in the corner of the kitchen, the sun still streaming through the big windows.

           “You’re making me nervous.” Kaitlyn laughed as she sat down, the kind of laugh you do when someone makes you uncomfortable. Sam hated that he was making her uncomfortable.

           “I’m making myself nervous.” Sam laughed with her. He really was nervous. He was certain that she would not view him the same way after this conversation.

           “Are you about to reveal that you work in some top-secret government agency or something?” Kaitlyn was cracking jokes, which meant she was terrified. She always used humor to cope with things that scared her. She was funny other times, but her coping mechanism was definitely humor. Sam didn’t want to scare her, but that was exactly what he was doing, and he hated it.

           “No. But I do work for a security company. I design the software and such so I can and always have worked remotely. You’ve never met my coworkers because I never have. I don’t think I’ve actually interacted with anyone from the company since my interview. And I’ve worked here for seven years.” Sam explained.

           “Okay. That makes sense.” Kaitlyn nodded like she understood. “I don’t understand why I had to sit down for that though. You work remotely and have never met any of your coworkers, oh no whatever will I do.” Kaitlyn seemed confused but was still making jokes out of everything. Sam imagined she was partially trying to keep her tone light for his sake. She didn’t want to make his nervousness worse by revealing how scared she was. He loved how much she cared for everyone around her, but it was definitely to her detriment right now. Sam laughed and shook his head.

           “That’s not the part I made you sit down for.” Sam stated, getting more nervous by the second.

           “Now I’m really nervous.” Kaitlyn admitted, dropping the jokes completely. The light even seemed to leave her eyes a little. They looked more like rocks than shiny green gemstones, Sam could never remember the names of them, that was Kaitlyn’s thing, not his. But Sam thought to himself that she probably should be nervous. And he hated that he was making her feel this way.

           “You have never met my family because…” Sam trailed off and paused, uncertain if he should really tell her. He still had time to come up with a lie. NO. Absolutely not. She deserves the truth, he loved her and wanted this relationship, and relationships are built on honesty and trust. He could do this. He had to do this.

           “You don’t have to tell me.” Kaitlyn gently reminded him, placing her hand on top of his. She was so kind, so understanding. Did he really deserve her? Someone who was literally trying to comfort him as he literally gave her a panic attack if her shaking hands were anything to go by.

           “No. You deserve to know.” Sam asserted, turning his hand over to take ahold of hers. Here went nothing. “You’ve never met them because they’re all dead. I killed them.”