Our Wicked Mom

Our Wicked Mom

Dear 4 year old Ellie,

       Hi, it’s me, well you, I, we are 42 years old and I wanted to write to you because you are about to start a new chapter in your life and I know you are just brimming with hope and excitement and I hate to burst your big pink bubble. I remember how much we loved pink, but I think there are some things I should prepare you for. When our wicked Mom came home with her new guy George and told you about moving in with him you got so excited, you felt as though you were going to finally have a normal life like all the other kids in the neighborhood had. You have been beside yourself waiting for tomorrow to come, the day you leave the tiny house you and our mom have been living in. The house that looked more like a shed than a house and all the kids in the neighborhood made sure and reminded us about that daily. You believe you will be moving into a normal home but it does not exist and it will soon give way to a reality that will feel anything except normal. I am writing to warn you that things will not be as you think and I want you to prepare yourself for the disappointment. What you are expecting is a promise of stability but instead you get a symbol of isolation because the house is a trailer and it is only big enough for our mom and George, so you will be sleeping in a room off of the garage. I remember how shocked I was when they walked me outside and opened that door to the other side of the garage. I was horrified that I would be sleeping in there alone, a four year old girl. They just dropped all my stuff in there and walked out like everything was just fine, a completely acceptable situation. You, me, being the introverts that we are, said nothing even though I was just destroyed on the inside because what I thought was going to be this glorious new life had turned into an absolute nightmare.

Hi 4 year old Ellie,

       I remember the tears, I remember the overwhelming sense of loneliness, the fear and I know these feelings are swallowing you up. It is heartbreaking moments of sorrow to remember the pain and I just wish you could feel my presence here with you. I wish you knew I was right here rubbing your head and telling you everything was going to be okay and letting you know it’s okay if you cry. Please remember something, this is only temporary. Soon this room will be just a distant memory and in its place will be a beautiful room that you will love. It will take about a year before that happens and I know that seems like an endless amount of time right now but it will happen.

Dear 6 year old Ellie,

       Hi, it’s me again, well you, we are 44 years old and I remember what is happening with us now and wanted to write to you and let you know some things. I know listening to them fight like they do is so hard, the anxiety and the instinct to shield ourselves from the chaos but not being able to. I remember that horrible feeling of fear and dread, I remember plugging our ears, closing our eyes and praying so hard they would stop. Every time something smashed you would wonder about your safety, their safety, your future. What would happen if they hurt each other so badly that time, would there be police or an ambulance coming? Then you wondered what would happen to you if they did and then oddly enough you found yourself missing that dark lonely room off the garage where you didn’t have to hear any of this. To want and miss that room was so crazy but those tumultuous nights were so harrowing that they made those nights of loneliness in that little garage room seem appealing. Then the next morning would come and I would be so nervous to come out because I didn’t know what I would see. What and how everything was, what was broken, who had what injuries and just how embarrassing was it all going to be. The reason I am writing now is because tonight is going to be a doozy and I wanted to warn you. Our mother is going to be in one of her wicked moods and it is going to be a long night but just know that everything will turn out okay, we have survived these before and we will survive this one too, I promise.

Hi 6 year old Ellie,

I know, it was a bad one but it is over now and they are both passed out. I know you are having a hard time going back to sleep because you are really scared and you feel so alone but you aren’t, I so wish you knew that I am right here with you. I know they were completely oblivious that you were right in the next room listening to everything. I know the fact that they didn’t care about that or that they never even bothered to check on you makes you/us so angry but I know right now it is making you feel so sad. I know that it makes you feel so alone and so unloved. I wish you knew it doesn’t define you or your self-worth. You are strong and you do so well navigating this darkness even though you shouldn’t have to, you are 6 years old. I promise it will get better Ellie, I promise it does.

Dear 15 year old Ellie,

       Hi, it’s me again, well you and we are 53 years old and I know you are feeling so sad and so angry right now. I also know you feel all alone and I think that is the worst part. I hate what she said to us but you did the right thing and never forget it. They should have never left us alone with our 15 year old boyfriend while they were gone for the day, it still makes me so mad. You told him to stop and you also told him he was moving too fast for you, you did it nicely but firmly but he wasn’t listening. Telling him to leave was the right thing to do and you should feel proud of yourself for asserting your boundaries, standing up for yourself and your body. This was not an easy thing to do at 15 years old and all we wanted was for our wicked mother to show us some compassion when she saw us crying on our bed. Then maybe when we told her what happened maybe some pride at how we handled ourselves, she should have held us and told us it was okay but she didn’t. Instead, she asked us if he was mad when he left, what did he say, did we try to call him, we need to call him and apologize for overreacting, then she said my favorite part, “You need to grow up Ellie.” Then she walked out and told us to call him and fix it. My God, well we didn’t call him, did we and we never would call him. We are proud of ourselves Ellie but you don’t see or feel that right now. I know you don’t, you feel nothing, I know you are in a very dark place, you are thinking about very dark things, and I really wish you would stop. You were already struggling with your self-worth from that wicked woman but when she did that it just kind of knocked you right off the edge. Your feelings were valid, you deserved compassion, not dismissal and you did everything right and she did everything wrong, oh how I wish I could make you understand that right now so you don’t do what I know you are going to do.

Hi 15 year old Ellie,

       I know you are tired, the hospital said you would feel this way for a while but I just wanted to say that I am glad you didn’t succeed because I know you tried to do this the right way so you would not have to feel the pain anymore. Ellie, I know that darkness is suffocating you but please know that there are brighter days ahead and you will be okay I promise. Sadly, don’t expect any help from them because you won’t get it. They will just tell you to never speak of this again like you have something to be ashamed of, you do not. We will speak of it again, you will get help and we will work it all out, I promise. Embrace your courage as well as your pain and speak your truth, you are not alone in this.

Dear 17 year old Ellie,

       Hi, it’s me, you know, we are 55 now, but tomorrow is a big day, so I had to write to you, we are getting married and we are pregnant. We went from being a quiet, introverted girl who wouldn’t tell her mom anything, to telling her we were pregnant, we were getting married and that was that. You/we needed to be out of that house and away from that wicked woman so badly you gave up everything you ever dreamed of and became so brave. Getting married, then moving to California to be a military wife, and then having a baby, all instead of being a college freshman like you always dreamed of, is just crazy. Be strong girl, I wish I could tell you this is going to be a great adventure but I am afraid it is going to be the opposite. Either way, it will make you a strong and quirky woman who won’t put up with anyone’s nonsense. You will flourish and do great things and be one hell of a strong, badass individual who will achieve her goals and hit her marks proudly. You do have some ugly things to get through first though. Hang in there, you got this.

Dear 19 year old Ellie,

       You didn’t expect the ugly stuff to be that ugly, I didn’t know if I should have told you all the details. I know it hurts when he hurts you like that and I wish there were ice packs for your soul and your heart as well as the ones you use on your body after he is done taking his screwed up childhood out on you. I know you don’t understand why or how he could do that to you but it is almost over. You are going to realize that it isn’t up to you to figure out why or how, the bottom line is you don’t deserve to be hurt like that and you will put an end to it. You find your way out of it by having faith and following the light that is right around the corner. Your goodness and your soul bring beautiful things into your life.

Dear 25 year old Ellie,

I just wanted to write and say that today is the first day you feel as though you can finally live as you want to live. You took a stand and divorced your husband six years ago and you didn’t let anything get in your way. George died three years ago and today our mother has passed away. No matter what, we were good to her and even though we will never understand why she sometimes treated us so wickedly we can be proud of the fact that we always did the right thing by her. Now and more importantly we can live and breathe freely, happily and proudly and we so deserve that. I just wanted to share that with you, enjoy because you are going to have a great life.

Dear Me, Ellie,

       Well, look at me, what a life I’ve led and surprisingly, I wouldn’t change a thing if given the opportunity. Every single moment of my life has either taught me something, taken me somewhere, introduced me to someone that I desperately needed to meet, or simply opened my eyes and allowed me to see something that I truly needed to see. Life really is a rollercoaster of pain and happiness, each one as important as the other. Now, I’m ready to move on to the next adventure whatever it may be, because our time here is over and I can’t wait to find out the answer to life’s greatest mystery, what happens after death. I am truly grateful for the life I have had here. There are things that I hope I have accomplished here though, I hope I have touched enough lives along the way with my love and kindness because I really believe that is one of the most important things we can do while we are here. I also hope that I spent most of my time living in the moment and not worrying about the past or the future. I also hope that I was kinder than I needed to be, more helpful than was required and that I always went overboard with people, simply because it gave me pleasure to make them even more happy. What a beautiful thought, making people happy, I will close my eyes for the last time thinking about the people I hope I made happy.