Goodnight Ben

“Are you coming tonight?”

“No.” ten bucks that there’s an issue with that.

One dirty look later, I was on my way. I never understood why people needed a reason beyond simple rejection, but at least Ben spared me the interrogation. As someone who has always been reserved and at peace in my own space, I am no stranger to people with more intrusive personality traits. I find it so funny that the reason ‘I just want to be by myself’ warrants questioning of mental well being almost immediately. 

I mean I understand checking in on a friend who is acting different, but pressing somebody about their form of comfort because it doesn’t complement your own is a whole 'nother realm of issue. I just wanna go home tonight. No detours, no second stops, no last minute decisions, just home. To wind down on a rainy night and hear nothing but whatever music I choose to put on, is where I want to be tonight. 

Boundaries are something I don’t have trouble respecting, but struggle to enforce. Not today though, the want for quiet has grown bigger than my fear of disappointing anyone. The bus finally pulls up and it’s empty, I hope it stays this way until I get home. I hope Ben isn’t upset, but I’m tired of trying to explain the concept of being alone to the people who think boundaries are insulting. There is almost no winning and when you do win, it feels more like a condescending pity, a “forget about them, they’ll just drag us down anyway.” and I don’t really believe that’s my problem to fix anymore. 

Ben isn’t a bad person, or maybe he is and I’m just used to making excuses for him. He just wants me to enjoy myself but why doesn’t he understand that solace is how I do that?

Ding

As the bus pulls over I pick up my bag and head to the front of the bus, can’t believe it stayed empty. The air is crisp and the sky is overcast so the walk home is rather enjoyable. Nobody calls, nobody yells, nobody texts, nobody to answer; a rare silent walk home. Fall feels like a warm and cold hug at the same time, comforting without becoming uncomfortable. 

I approach the apartment, a relief washing over me. I take my shoes off and close the door behind me. I cleaned up before I left so all that’s left to do is wind down for the night. Tonight I’m heading straight for the shower. The water feels like it's passing straight through me, washing away any worries I let creep in. 

I waste no time heading for the kitchen, I think tonight I’m gonna make pasta. Something nice and savoury to wrap myself in while I sit on the couch. I can hear the cars passing by through the window, a sound I love to hear from afar. To be reassured you're not alone while enjoying no other company but your own. It’s an amazing feeling. The smell of the pasta fills the kitchen as it simmers on the stove, maybe I’ll pack some to share with Ben tomorrow. He might have messaged me by now so I decide to check while waiting on my dinner.

“Hey Mary you really should’ve come I think you would’ve had a lot of fun.” I’m glad I didn’t read this before I took the shower, or even when I got on the bus. I’m glad the last thing I remembered was my no. 

“Haha I needed the time to myself, it’s been a chaotic week.” I respond, light but solid. 

“I guess, but we didn’t really have much work to do.” I feel a sting in my chest and my jaw tightens. It never fails to amaze me how insensitive people can manage to be. Usually I would blame myself for not trying hard enough, but I’m realizing that it’s not me who needs to try a little bit harder.

“Why does there have to be a lot of work to do? Sometimes you just need to set aside time for yourself.” I hesitate for a second, but I manage to send it; progress.

He leaves me on read and that’s when I decide I won’t be worrying about Ben tonight, this is my night to regain the me that I lost this week. Whether it was the rush hour commute or the classmate who wouldn’t stop talking, or the simple anxiety that comes with leaving my house. I don’t owe anyone who can’t take my initial reasoning an essay about why I want and don’t want to do x,y, or z. 

Sometimes I’ll indulge and sometimes I won’t. Tonight, I’m choosing to indulge in this pasta, with my only job being to eat it. My only job tonight is to take care of myself and tomorrow I’ll be doing the same thing. Self care doesn’t start on Friday and end on Sunday, it’s taking little steps every day to make sure I’m taken care of wholly. It’s what I deserve.

Tonight my bed feels endless, like I’m falling and floating at the same time. I’m safe and I’m comfortable, two feelings that are often taken for granted. I hope that If someone is feeling uncomfortable, they have a surge of courage that sends them into caring for themselves. No concern for anyone else, just the pure want to finally feel comfortable.

I hope Ben is comfortable at his gathering and I hope those around him make him feel comfortable as well. I will participate in his life differently, little conversations in class, having a nice lunch together, the occasional deep conversation. If how I participate is not enough, then I will find somewhere else to be. If a compromise is not an option then the best choice is to go. Saying no has brought me the most peaceful night I have had in weeks. I don’t give that word enough credit but now, I feel like a new beginning has been brought to me, with an end. 

Goodnight Ben.