Dear Riley

Dear Riley,

I miss you. Still. It’s coming up on six months now, but it hasn’t gotten any easier, despite what all our well-meaning friends have said. You’re still gone and I’m still here and it still hurts. But I’m trying, I guess.

I realize now that you had been giving away a lot of your things in the months leading up to… Is it bad that I don’t want to call it ‘the end’ or anything else that sounds so final? Obviously, I know you’re gone and logically I know it’s impossible for you to walk back in the door, but how could that be the end? My mind knows this, but my heart just isn’t ready to accept it, I guess. Which is why I’ve been trying to go through what’s left of your things and decide what to keep. So far, I want to keep everything. I have to keep everything. But someone – I can’t remember who – said that it might get easier to heal and move on if I’m not surrounded by reminders of you everywhere I turn.

What they don’t understand is that I don’t have to be in our home to be surrounded by memories of you. You’re always with me, Riley. Wherever I go and whatever I do, there you are. You’re in my heart and in my head and you’re even ingrained into the memories of my bones. When I wake up in the morning, my arms automatically move toward your side of the bed, seeking your warmth. When I stand at the stove, the skin along my back prickles in anticipation, waiting to feel you hug me from behind while I cook. All these little ways you’re stitched into the fabric of me.

But I’ve decided to go through the motions. Fake it till you make it, right? I have been moving the things you left behind into the spare room, so they’re at least out of sight. You had already given away your most sentimental things and I guess I should be grateful for that. Some days I am, but other days I think about how someone else gets to keep some small part of you and jealousy slithers in. It’s always followed by resentment and anger because – did they know? Did they know you were planning to end things? That’s supposed to be one of the classic signs, right, giving away your things? Did they suspect it and not do anything? Or worse, did they talk to you about it and not try to change your mind? Or not take you seriously? Obviously, no one would think this was the answer.

Sorry, love, I’m getting off track. While some things are going into the spare room, I’m bringing the photos of you out into the house for everyone – but mostly me – to see. And to remember. I get that this might be a ‘one step forward, one step back’ kind of thing, but I can’t help it. All of these pictures of you are keeping me tethered to reality. These moments in time that you were so alive and so vibrant!

Seeing you laughing on the beach in Miami, your eyes lit up and full of life. I can almost feel the warmth of your sun-kissed skin and smell the salty ocean air. We were so happy on that trip, even though the place we stayed was a dump and there were storms every afternoon.

And this one of you sitting on some random rocky outcrop along the Appalachian trail, lost in your thoughts as you gazed out over the valley below. I remember being so terrified by how close I thought you were to the edge. And yet, in this photo, you couldn’t look more at ease as you stretched your legs out and dangled your feet over the rim of the rock.

Then there’s this one of you crossing the finish line of your first 5k, your exhausted smile filled with pride. I remember how determined you were to try this new thing and how as soon as we got in the car to head home, you were already shopping online for a display case for your medal.

But my favorite is this one of you in our bed on some random Sunday morning, the early morning sunlight giving you an almost ethereal glow. You were half-buried in the covers, hair tousled from sleep and eyes not yet opened, but you had the most serene smile.

I am just so lost without you, Riley.

I saw your sister on Tuesday. I was pulling out of the gas station parking lot as she was turning in, so we didn't speak, but I don't think we had to. It was clear from the way her mouth pinched and her eyes sharpened that she wasn't happy to see me. I guess she blames me. I blame myself for not seeing the signs. For not imagining that you would choose - I'm sorry, I shouldn’t use that word. I know if you felt you had a choice, you wouldn't have chosen this. I think you just got overwhelmed, confused… I wish I had paid closer attention. I keep thinking that there must have been some warning. That you must have dropped some hint or gave some sign about what you were planning. And honestly, I’m terrified that you did, and I just didn’t hear you. I think about that a lot.

I know we can't change the past, but I wish I had a way to let you know that if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't have let you go so easily. Riley, I would have held on so much more tightly and made sure you knew how much I needed you.

But for now, I sit here in the shadow of our former lives, surrounding myself with these pictures of you, reliving all of our greatest hits and trying not to think about what could have been. And I promise you, Riley, when I find out where you’ve gone – where you’re hiding… When I find you, I'll make sure you never leave me again.