The Devil Behind the Door

TW: alcoholism, addiction

There lay his destiny right in front of him. A self made choice, one he had chosen to better his life, his families and those who would dare encounter him while he trawled the streets at night, bottle in hand. He watched from afar and felt the pain of those who entered and the relief of those who left. Something else tugged at him however, the other choice. He did not even have to look at the other door to know it was there. The rung bell singing the tales of those coming to pick up their morning papers and milk from the off-license had been all too clear, mesmerizing and inviting.

He searched through his pockets and found a few pounds in change clumped inside a heart-breaking note from his wife. ‘David, I love you but I cannot live this life any longer. The split personality, the coming home at three in the morning, even the sounds of you vomiting every night. I cannot take it any more. The kids are with me, they’re fine, we’re just staying with my parents for now. Maybe you cannot change but please try. Do it for me, for Susie and John. Do it for yourself because we cannot change you.’ the note said, scribbled across a post-it note with a few wrinkled marks from both her tears and his as they wrote and read it.

At this moment, he could not bare to read about her disdain for his habits and only sent his mind spiralling more and more into the darkness that held him in its clasp. He had travelled on the bus, not too close to his home but not far enough away to decide whether or not just to go home, live his life in spite of who he is and curse those who left him fearful and alone.

His withdrawal sent shivers in packets and embalmed his body in a cold-sweat. How life could be different he pondered, thinking of the freedom in his youth and the lack of responsibility he had never been able master from his time around the scroungers when he was growing up. “You can do this” he said to himself out loud as a man snarled him with uneasiness as he walked past in his three-piece work suit carrying his morning papers for the office. His heart raced as the mans eyes met his, embarrassed by his greased t-shirt and torn jeans (and not the fashionable type that comes with the pre-emptive rips and tears).

It’s alright for you isn’t it. I bet you had a good childhood, loving parents and merry Christmases. Bah humbug.

He held his hands together as they chattered like those wind-up mouths that were sold in the old-timey toy shops. His lower jaw trembled as he held back those pent up emotions he had been hiding behind his veil of drunkenness.

The ringing flashed through his ears once more, accompanied by the jolly gratitude of another, who like him, had tempted the hand of fate too early in life to change its course so easily. Seventeen bottles of beer on the floor, seventeen bottles of beer, I pass them around--

He had to force himself to stop singing his take on the nursery rhyme in his head, the very thought of any alcoholic beverage had been too much for him to think about, even if he was a whiskey man.

He could still taste his moonshine mouthwash as he belched and licked between the rotting gaps in his teeth.

You sorry bunch of nobodies. You want to fight for Queen and Country? Then get your acts together and give me those twenty push-ups. He thought back to his earlier days, I was so strong then, so capable and confident in front of those men, what if they saw me now?

Whilst he had positioned himself closer to the NHS building, the door to the shop had been all too enticing. No bright lights, no patients begging for a doctor or nurse just the cold comfort of the freezers and fridges that housed his favourite drinks. He had positioned himself this way on purpose for he knew that the temptation had been too strong and he needed to distance himself away from the sacred fruit. He had thought it ironic that his choice was so obvious, that behind door number one would - for free of charge - help him get his life back on track whilst the other - who charged an arm and a leg - would cost him his last few pounds to destroy the last slice of self-integrity that he barely had left.

He counted his change, three pounds and twenty six pence exactly. That could get me a four-pack of cheap cider he thought. If he was going to drink cider, it had to be in cans, not a bottle; he felt that too far, not nearly as sophisticated as drinking out of a can. His neck tingled with goose bumps at the thought, I could just have a blow-out today and come back tomorrow, stronger he re-enforced himself.

Tomorrow was the sixth of the month, which would be pay day and I think in his mind at the time, he knew that it was a lie to bring him some optimism until the next credit hit and he could drink his sorrows away again.

Why couldn’t you help me when I needed you to? You spent your entire life looking at yourself and never thought once to think of how I needed help, how I needed support from you of all people.

Time was running short as he knew before long, that if he waited, he would not walk through those doors to get the help he needed. One door welcoming and the other, blinding and screaming.

You disappoint me taunted at his mind, the words of his wife who so desperately tried to guide him in the right direction only to be scoffed and laughed at as if she was some type of therapist. You’re a primary school teacher love, not a doctor he would tell her, I don’t need help, it just relaxes me after a long day at the factory, don’t worry.

He huffed and puffed and walked straight towards the doors of the off-licence. The bell rung and the voice in his head told him how right he was, how his decision was his and his alone and that they would be happy together, alone and without anybody to tell him differently.

He walked to the frosted fridge that sat right at the front of the shop. It was the first thing you would see when entering, those big percentages for ‘cheap, cheap prices’. The advertisements were not very appealing but to a drunk who only looks for the highest number, it was an easy enough choice to make in what to purchase.

Just as he held his hand out to enter the chilled lands of Budweiser and Frosty Jacks, something tugged at him internally as the memories flashed by like a slide show of those he had once knew. Oh little Susie, how I know you’ll have grown into those giant feet of yours, and John, how I have missed your smile and your spirit. A tear rolled down his face as the humble shop-keeper observed from behind his counter.

No! He screamed internally and marched straight back out to the golden gates of the hospital. He carried on straight to the front desk with a whimpering lip. “Your name sir?” the gentle and warm lady said softly. “Jack, miss. Jack Durnham” he said watching her slowly make her way through the system and pull him up. “And what are you here for today?”

“I’m. . . I have a problem. I have a problem with drinking” he whispered, ashamed that others may hear him through his blubbering smile. “It’s okay darling, it’s okay” and offered a sweet smile back and a look of understanding and appreciation that he came in to get his problem sorted.

“Have you got a telephone I can use please?” he asked after she had booked him in and directed him toward the seating area. “Right over there lovey” pointing him to a secluded booth in the back of the room. He gulped and shook with relief. It’s okay darling, it’s okay repeated in his mind as he walked over. Pulling out his change, accompanied by note, he typed in the only telephone number still registered in his mind and dialled.

“Hello, Sarah? It’s me Jack. . . I just wanted to tell you that I’m doing it” he said with teary eyes and his heart beating at a thousand miles an hour. “Yeah, I’m in the hospital now” he replied. “I don’t know when things will change but I’m trying. Please tell Susie and John I’m thinking about them and I’ll give them a call when I’m better” he said as they spoke some more. “Mr Durnham” a woman called from one of the doctor’s rooms. “I have to go now Sarah but thank you. Thank you for still believing I had something still left inside of me. I love you.”