As Long as it Takes

I left her waiting once. 

It's been many years ago now.

I left her sitting and waiting anxiously at a train station. Her knees bounced up and down in anticipation, she wrung her hands out of nervousness. She waited there alone, for so many hours, as one train after another arrived and departed. Her heart breaking a little more as she watched each one leave the station. 

I’m sure that so many questions were running through her mind: Is he okay? Did I do something wrong? Is it my fault? Is he hurt? Is he with another woman? Did he leave me? Is he ever coming home? Is he alive?

You see, I knew I wasn’t going to be on any of those trains, but information didn’t travel as quickly back then. It was so unfair of me to make her wait. She sat on that hard bench in the cold station building for almost the entire night before she finally got up to leave. When she got home in the early hours of the morning she collapsed at the kitchen table and cried for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually resigning to cry herself to sleep in our half-empty bed. 

I never meant to make her feel that way, I never wanted to make her wait.

Four days later she received a visit from the notifier who informed her that I didn’t return from Germany and I never would. Along with so many others I was a casualty of war. I often wondered how many other loved ones were made to wait like mine were. A sad reality for many I am sure.

It wasn’t until weeks after my funeral that it finally sunk in that I really was never coming home. She would never again hear me stomp through the front door after a bad day, or sneak up behind her at the sink and kiss her neck, curse as I'm fixing the car, or have to complain to me about picking my dirty socks up off the bathroom floor. 

After many years, when her heart had the chance to heal, she met a good man. He had good values, a strong mind for business, and a heart full of love just for her. Shortly after they met they married. I was overjoyed that she had finally met someone who could love and take care of her the way that I never got the chance to do.

He fully supported her when she decided to pursue the one thing she had always been passionate about. She became a nurse. During that time she held the hands of new moms as they gave birth to their first babies. She sat with children as they waited to hear word about their parents. She held the hands of the elderly as they passed. How lucky were those people who got to feel the power of her never ending compassion and love. I considered myself a lucky man for having been able to feel that for myself, even if it was only for a short time.

She went on to have eight children and I have watched over every single one. They created a huge family and support network that would surround them with love for the rest of their lives. She raised all types of wonderful people. Stay-at-home moms, teachers, a doctor, a school bus driver, a cook, and business owners. She loved and praised them all equally. She was the greatest mother, just like I always knew she would be.

Of course, in addition to all of the wonderful times in her life, she had also seen great loss. She handled every situation with courage and grace. She was always the rock, keeping her family centered and together. I like to think that if I left anything positive behind it was the knowledge that life after loss will never be the same, but it can still be so very good. I hope that knowledge was comforting in those extremely tough times. As I have watched over her I have felt every single one of those losses and celebrated all of her greatest joys. I’ve watched her children grow up to have kids of their own and be successful in their own rights. I’ve celebrated their triumphs and wept with them over broken hearts and disappointments. There are times, often when she is alone and lost in thought, I can still feel the hole that I left when I didn’t make it home. 

If only she knew that I have never stopped watching over her.

From where I now sit I’ve watched her do and accomplish so many things. She got everything that she ever wanted out of life. She married a good man, she traveled all over the world, she had a brood of loving and capable kids, and a loud and adorable gaggle of grandchildren. She worked in her calling as a nurse right up until the arthritis in her hands made it impossible. She was the caretaker for her husband when he was diagnosed with dementia. Her children now take care of her in the same wonderful way. She led a full and beautiful life with people who never made her wait for anything ever again.

Now the roles are reversed. I’ve been waiting for a long time, 65 years, but I will wait as long as it takes. What is a few more months or a few more years? It has been nothing compared to the wait I put her through. That wait was full of uncertainty and sadness. My wait has been filled with joy and reassurance knowing that what lies ahead for her is an eternity of peace and gratitude. As in life she will be surrounded by those who love her the most. It’s true, I am now the one waiting on her. I will continue to wait here with the rest of her loved ones, and when she finally does make her journey home and she reaches Heaven’s gate I will be there to greet her with wide open arms. My wait will finally be over.