Bobby Joe’s book of death

It’s all fun and games until Bobby Joe gets involved…

Bobby Joe and the Tsunami

Sand whipped Bobby Joe’s face and made his red eyes sting. A few people were in the surf, enjoying the warm summer afternoon, despite thick storm clouds lingering above. Huge waves crashed down upon them, and Bobby Joe liked watching them suffer. He spotted an enormous wave towering behind the rest, and wondered what it would feel like to be smashed by that. A few kids along the beach stared and pointed at the wave in awe as picked up speed and started to swallow the other waves around it. The swimmers gawped up at the wave, a look of sheer terror painted on their faces. Bobby Joe peered up from his magazine of Fails of the Week  just in time to see the monstrous wave, now even bigger, engulf them like they were no more than a speck.

Except, the wave didn’t stop there. It started eating sandcastles and abandoned camp chairs on the beach. Bobby Joe grabbed his iced-coffee and ran for his life. He sprinted through the crowded streets and into his apartment building. He jabbed the lift button ferociously until it dinged, and a lift arrived, then jumped in and pressed level 21. Ha, he thought. ‘Now I will be safe from that cursed wave.’ As soon as the lift made it to the top, Bobby Joe sprang onto his balcony to watch the commotion.

The tsunami was nearing his building as people tried to get Utes loaded with furniture through the mayhem. The water passed and the building started rocking in the waves. He sat down in a lounge chair and kicked his feet up on the railing. Lots of the high rises were crumbling under the pressure of the water. Bobby Joe was confident that his apartment building would withstand this natural disaster, but he thought too soon.

A deafening sound filled the air as asbestos-flavoured dust rose to the sky. Bobby Joe fell with the building, his body twisting in ways he didn’t know it could. A loud crunch issued from underneath him. Freezing water pierced through his clothes. Despite the icy cold water, his broken leg burned. His lungs screamed for fresh air, but when he tried to push his head out of the water it crashed against a huge sheet of metal. His mouth opened to let out a scream, but all that came out was bubbles.

Seaweed trapped his ankle and he kicked violently, willing it to let go. A giant wave ripped his ankle out of its socket. Pain exploded through his body, as his head crashed through a brick wall. A third wave tire the bricks in half. Bobby Joe’s head emerged, gasping for air. His nek slammed back and a million red-hot pokers of pain seared through his upper body. The last thing Bobby Joe ever saw was blood-stained water.

Bobby Joe and the daisy meadow

Little white daisies swung in the breeze as long grass danced around Bobby Joe’s ankles. Belted Galloways mooed from a paddock nearby as if sensing his hunger. Fluffy white clouds peppered the blue sky. The sun reflected beams of yellow light onto the shining fence gates around him. A light breeze blew through the air, making the leaves on the tops of the gumtrees sway. Birds soared above the clouds, their soft shadows streaking across the grass. Purple flowers speckled the horizon, their faces smiling. There were bunnies that hopped in and out of bushes as if playing hide and seek. The light smell of flowers hung in the air. The rough feel of a picnic basket’s handle scraped against Bobby Joe’s hand.

There was a soft crunch of dirt as Betty Sue’s step fell in time with his. Her eyes scanned the meadow, taking in every individual flower. A squeal pierced the air and her hand arched around to point at a small flower in the distance. “Wow! It’s the anigozanthos! Don’t you see it, Bobby?” She exclaimed. Bobby Joe did see it, although he didn’t see what was so good about the actual flower. Bettey Sue sprinted to it, pulling out a pocket sized magnifying glass. While she was inspecting flowers, Bobby Jow decided to set up the picnic basket. With a click it opened an dhe reached his arm deep inside to pill out a decaf for Betty Sue and a double shot espresso for himself.

When he heard footsteps behind him, he explained “Hey Betty, I’m just setting up the ARGHH!!!” Two beefy monster lachted hthemselves onto the back of Bobby Joe, their hands cutting deep into his shoulders. He tried to scream, but a hard kick on his leg made him stop. He spun around and was surprised to see two cows staring him dead in the eye. More cows were forming a circle around them, their faces cherring th other cows on. A third cow was tiring Bobby Joe’s hands behind his back. His leg throbed angrilly from wen the cows had kicked him, although things were about to get wrose. 

The thrid cow handed the 1st and 2nd coows a pair of black sunglasses each. Bobby Joe’s eyes opended wide with surprise, and his lips separated to ask why on Earth two cows were wearing sunglasses, and although their eyes are small, the cows saw this. A swift hoove shot up and slapped Bobby Joe in the cheek. His jaw swpet sideways and spit flew from his mouth. The belted galloways from the ring around him let out cold, amused laughs, when the other cows punched im in the guts. He doubled over in pain. Taking advantage of his weakness, they drop kicked him to the nearest tree. He lay motionless on his back, an heard the crunch of dirt as the cows charged over.

Two pairs of sunglasses peered at Bobby Joe, who was still in the grass with daisies ticckling his face. The one on the left muttered something in the other’s ear. He must have understood, because he nodded and next second both cows took three big steps back. The cows watching fixed their eyes upon those with sunnies. The circle opened to ley them in. They revved up their moters as another two cows pulled Bobby Joe to his feet. They untied his hands, and he was free, though not for long. He was pilled back and pinned to the tree, where the cows retied his hands, and this time, feet.

Bobby Joe was stuck facing the cows. Suddenly, the sunglassed cows shot out as quick as bullets, headbutting him with enough for to wind him. Hooves puncked his face from one of the cows, although the location of the other one was unknown. Teeth glinted in the sunlight as they escaped his head. He could hear branches snapping above, though didn’t know why. Another punch from the cow hit him in the nose and scarlet blood ran down his white shiry. The cow stared at him directly in the face.

A huge rip exploded from the groudn as dir flew in all directions. Bobby Joe was lifted high into the air. He risked a glance down and was petrified to see a croud of cows, inclucing th etwo wearing sunglasses, lifting the tree. One of the cows started counting down. “3, 2, 1, blastoff!” he yelled at the same time as the tree was launched across the meadow. It landed on top of Bobby Joe. His back felt like it was on fire. He tried to get up, but a hundred pins pierced his body. He looked up. The last thing Bobby Joe ever saw was two cows wearing sunglasses.

Bobby Joe and the supermarket

Above Bobby Joe loomed the WorthWools sign in green lights. The huge, automated glass doors opened as he stepped inside. An aroma of delicious food filled his nostrils, and he licked his lips in delight. His arms reached for an abandoned shopping trolley, and he raced along the shelves, pulling items upon items from their places. A huge rumbling sound erupted from his stomach, and he reached for it in surprise. “Don’t worry, we’ll be out of here in no time!” He told himself, but for hours upon hours he roamed the isles with no clear purpose.

As the last customers filed out and the employees made their final rounds, Bobby Joe sank to his knees, feeling his stomach shrinking smaller and smaller. He collapsed, numb pain shooting through his limbs. His tummy felt like an empty abandoned mine, his face drained of all flids. He looked into the shining vinal floor and saw his pale face and sunken eyes staring back at him. The used-to-be inviting shelves now mocked him, showing off their unlimited supply of food. That was when he passed out.

Suddenly, Food flew off the shelves and combined themselves into a giant cookie. The cookie opened its mouth and swallowed Bobby Joe whole. He awoke to a sharp pain in his head. Hi arms and legs were spread out like pancakes, but when he tried to move them, they were so painful that he stopped trying. He moved his head to the side and saw that his skin was blood red. Bobby Joe’s mouth opened wide with horror. The shelves started to rock violently. CHRASH!!! They pinned his arms and legs down and hit his chest. It felt like a thousand soldiers had held their bayonets over a fire and them slowly pushed them into Bobby Joe and started twisting them. Blood splattered the floor and the shelves, and he was frozen in pain. Finally he came to his senses, as Bobby Joe made his hands inch himself forward. A shelf ripped his hair out and pain exploded in his skull. His eyes bulged and from his head. Th last thing Bobby Joe ever saw was Blood-y WorthWools shelves.

Bobby Joe and Teylur Swiff

Huge lines snaked around the merchandise store and people were squashed together around Bobby Joe. He was sporting a huge Teylur Swiff T-shirt that he bought from a weird guy down the road. He looked up to see the sun still high in the sky, but knew it was time to go. He peeled his shirt off, revealing a black costume covered in LED lights. After lots of jeering from the crowds, he finally made it to the front. He pulled out a name badge that read ‘Harry Higgins’ from his bag and showed it to the security officer. Surprisingly, he was let through and led to the dressing room.

Bobby Joe examined the card and realised that the picture looked similar to himself. They had the same potato-like figure, glasses and curtains of hair on either side of their faces. He snapped out of it as he heard the hum of people walking to their seats. Feeling the tote bag cutting into his shoulder, he slid it off and checked everything was inside. There was a big box covered in bubble wrap, three bottles of red liquid, and a microphone on the loudest setting, along with his Teylur Swiff T-Shirt. He would use it all later.

Looking to his left, he saw a small black harness. He slid both arms through and, with a bit of a squeeze, clipped the front up. All he had to do now was wait for his turn on stage. A minute or so passed, when he heard a voice from around the corner. “Harry, come get strapped in.” Bobby Joe followed the sound and came to a man holding a clip attached to some wire. The man clipped it to his harness and instructed him to yank the wire as soon as the music starts. He dashed off, leaving Bobby Joe all alone beside the stage, attached to some wire and holding a pink sparkly tote bag.

Through a small crack in the wood, he could see that every seat was filled, and the floor was packed. All these people were waiting to see Teylur Swiff. She strode onto the stage, waving at the crowds. Her guitar was on a strap around her neck and a microphone was clutched in her right hand. A spotlight followed her as she walked to the middle. To a lot of cheering, she managed to scream “How are we all tonight?!”

The song, ‘Red’, started and Bobby Joe knew this was his time to shine. To the sound of Teylur Swiff’s Guitar, he yanked on the cord and straight onto the stage above her. The LED lights on his costume switched on and right there and then, Bobby Joe became a human disco ball. His lights changed to the colour she was singing. The chorus came on and his minute of glory truly began. “Losing him was blue, cause I’ve never known” she sung, and to the ‘ooh’s and ‘ahh’s of the crowd his lights changed to a deep-sea blue. “Missing him was dark grey, now alone” and they faded to a grey. While she sung “Forgetting him was like trying to know someone you have never met” they change to white, before blooming into a crimson red for “But loving him was red”.

He was having the time of his life, before it all came crashing down. He was on the second chorus, twirling around like a pumpkin on string when the wire began to snap under the pressure of Bobby Joe’s awesomeness. It started small at first, some cracks in the wood above him becoming a huge hole tugged down by the innocent disco ball. This happened until, finally, CRASH!!! He fell face flat on the stage to a stadium of booing fans. His arms and legs were spread out, so he looked like a very lumpy pancake.

He lay there until he heard a voice from around the corner. “Psst, Harry! Get up, you have to backup dance for ‘Ready For It’!” After a lot of huffing and puffing, Bobby Joe heaved himself up and got into position next to Teylur Swiff. Although he didn’t know any choreographed moves, he thought he could just make it up. Turns out, he had never played Dance Just. As ‘Ready For It’ is a fast paced song, he had trouble keeping up to the music from the start. He was still dancing to the first line, Teylur Swiff was on the fifth. Eventually, his arms couldn’t bear it anymore. In a last leap of faith, he flew into the crowd, falling on top of people who failed to move. He got up and dusted himself off for the next song, which was ‘Lover’.

The music started and so did the tears welling in a Bobby Joe’s eyes. They ran down his cheeks like mini rivers, meeting in an ocean at his feet. He was crying because he was a single Pringle, and because Betty Sue had ditched him only days before. To his relief, the song ended, and his tears slowed to the occasional one or two. He untied his bag from around his waist and pulled out the microphone, checking it was on max volume.

Bobby Joe was ready for the next song, microphone to lips and all. Teylur Swiff started singing, “Betty I can’t make assumptions about why you switched your home room, but I think, it’s because of me.” At this point, he started screaming “Betty Sue!” Into his microphone in what he thought was a singing voice. The only problem was that the no one, not even himself could hear it because the microphone was off.

In a struggle t get the microphone working, Bobby Joe dropped it, and it flew high into the air and fell onto the stage, right in front of Teylur Swiff. It let out a high-pitched screech and the whole stadium covered their ears. Because Bobby Joe has very sensitive ears, he clutched them in horror, but not before the screech wormed its way into his head. His brain vibrated inside his skull, and his chest bulged with his heart pumping at hyper speed. The sound stopped, and he took a few minutes to recover before ‘Bejewelled’ started.

The song was uneventful, the crowd screaming the lyrics louder than Teylur Swiff. But if nothing happened, then this would not be a Bobby Joe story. Towards the end, things got exiting. Not for Bobby Joe. For him, things just got painful. Teylur Swiff was at the last lines, singing a very impressive high note, when the spotlight changed direction. It shone on her and reflected directly into Bobby Joe’s eyes. He screamed in agony as irritation enveloped his eye like a blanket. All that was etched into his brain was a blinding white light. The music stopped and the lights turned off, bit he could still see the light brighter than ever.

He recovered just in time for ‘Delicate’. The tote bag was ripped open, and the box taken out. Peeling off the tape, Bobby Joe’s eyes, still burning, set themselves on a set of pristine, glass, wine glasses. He was not going to drink out of them. He’s not an alcohol person, but without his daily doses of caffeine, Bobby Joe can be scary. Like now. He seized one of the lasses, his hand almost crushing it, and was ready for delicate.

“This is for the best, my reputation has never been worse so, you must like me for me” she sung, as she danced across the stage. Bobby Joes launched the glass like a catapult, and it landed on the floor next to Teylur Swiff. A million tiny crystals glinted in the light, but he was not done yet. His hand reached in and grabbed another wine glass. Lucky for Teylur Swiff, Bobby Joe can’t throw. He aimlessly chucked glass at the stage, none of it landing on her like he intended. All it did was set up a magical scene for ‘Bad Blood’.

Bobby Joe unscrewed the cap of the pomegranate juice. As Teylur Swiff screamed Bad blood, he splattered it all over the stage. Verry unfortunately, it splashed onto her shoes, and she really did scream Bad blood.

The next song was fearless, Bobby Joe was not prepared for it in any way, and did not even know it was coming on. “I don’t know how it gets better than this, you take my hand and drive me headfirst, fearless.” On hearing these lyrics, he realised that it didn’t matter what Betty Sue thought of him. That was her problem. He climbed onto the stage as fast as the wind, but there was not much wind that day. As soon as he was up, he started dancing to the sound of Teylur Swiff singing.

The shards of broken glass cut into the bottom of his trainers, before the pomegranate juice took it’s turn on Bobby Joe’s Day. He slipped and his hands swung in circular motions to try and regain balance. He tumbled onto the floor, crushing his shoulder. He could not twitch a muscle. Feet trampled him, hundreds of fans taking their revenge. The last thing Bobby Joe ever saw was the bottom of a pair of Nikey shoes.