Dear diary

Dear diary,

I don´t know what day it is today, and frankly, I don´t care what day of the week it is. I´m looking for a sense of relief. Can I find some here, on these virgin papers of yours?

A long time ago I set aside my creative dreams to become something else. I lost myself in that process. And now, here I am a collapsed star.

How I long to return to a realm of beauty and magic. It´s not too late, is it diary? To allow my imagination free reign.

My path has been difficult to navigate. It was littered with thwarted dreams and silenced music.

I don´t have anything special to write about right now. If I were to describe daily life, I´d be asleep before I hit the end of this page. I wish I could delete this endless array of thoughts that I accumulated over the dreadful lockdown period. My head is filled with a stream of self-defeating and self-loathing beliefs. On good days, out of the right speaker in my inner ear will come an endless flow of self-aggrandizement, recitations of my specialness, of how open, gifted, brilliant I am. And knowing, misunderstood, and humble. Over the top: I realize.

On my bad days, out of the left speaker, come rap songs of self-loathing, an endless list of all the things I didn´t do well, all the mistakes I made over my entire lifetime; just to double the assertion that everything I touch turns to shit. That I´m a fraud, incapable of selfless love, that I have no talent, and so on and on.

I know diary, thinking is a valuable tool, but in my case, it´s the handmaiden who leads me to strengthen my ego at the expense of my soul. Wow! I´m amazed that I came up with that sentence. Would you look at that? I´m still able to surprise myself. Mental understanding alone won´t cut it to transform my sentimentalism though. Sorry, dear diary, my creativity has a bit of an all-day morning mood right now. It arises from my unconscious, and mine right now is – I don´t know: somewhere halfway through purgatory.

Hello dear diary, it´s me again. I learned something! I have learned that if I´m not careful, the world can convince me of so many things. It can convince me that my opinions don´t matter or my perspectives. It has told me that sharing my thoughts won´t change anyone´s mind, not that I ever tried to do that, or the world around me.

I wasn´t careful diary. I succumbed to it all. So, I shrunk. I disappeared. I got oh so quiet. The feeling of being utterly alone is insidious. It gnaws at my confidence and weakens my resolve. It causes me to want to give up. I´m too tired to move, too restless to sit still.

Depression is an oxymoron if you think about it. To feel nothing, nothing at all, and still be worn out by it…I don´t know. I don´t know anything anymore. On second taught: it´s an oversimplification: because one does feel in depression. What feels like numbness is nothing else but the accumulation of negativity. You name it: you´ll find it there, brewed together with fatigue.

Isolation and confinement never help even the most balanced of minds, right? When I find the courage to lift the veil, I find another depot of toxic waste. It festered and dug a hole so deep; nothing can reach me anymore. I became a shadow, ready to be absorbed into oblivion – and even welcoming it.

Good even dear diary. I am pessimistic again. I returned to survival mode. This can be a force of habit, I believe. But the need to feel safe and hide out never proved to be the safest plan. It´s even detrimental to the framing of life purpose. It makes more sense to choose life´s purposes than take the facts of existence into account. I can formulate my life purposes independent of reality, but I cannot live them independent of reality, right? Some sense of reality ought to be built into it, no? If life's purpose doesn´t have a crucible of reality built into it, I can only head for obstacles and end up in indifference again. No, I don´t think so. Been there, done that: it doesn´t work.

Then what is the meaning of life for me? I know the answer to that question pertains to the significance of existence in general. It is one of humanity's biggest questions. Wait a second, let me just share what hit me right now: I am; therefore, I matter!

Look at that! It took a global pandemic and its consequences for me to come to that conclusion. The meaning of life is to pursue human flourishing through understanding and service. That was an electrifying insight! Night, night diary.

Hello, diary. You became a good friend, you know that? or maybe I befriended myself through your pages.

My emotional distress has been caused by crises of meaning and existential malaise. I had to name my life´s purpose, and that involves connecting the dots among desires, appetites, dreams, and everything else welling up right now. But I think I´m going to keep it simple for now.

I will make use of myself in the service of being truth full with myself and at the same time try to get some real satisfaction out of life through love and work.

I have to go to war! War with my fears. Conquer them, welcome the muses, and be inspired. I have to dare too! Dare to lose my footing momentarily. Not to dare is to lose myself. My time is finite; therefore, I will operate in my cycle of influence rather than in my circle of concern. I don´t want to be a smoking fire. I want to be a bonfire!

Yes, I want to return to a realm of beauty and magic! I know that now. I reclaim my dreams! All of them. I think that reflects my current core sentiment about life. I admit it hardly includes any grinding idea of importance, but it´s nevertheless rich enough to serve. For now.

Hello, diary,

I´m sure you were beginning to think that I would end my days a misanthrope, with the ability to pretend otherwise for short periods of time.

I want to grow and move forward, leave it all behind me and break free from my shackles. Deliver myself from bondage, to put it dramatically. I will redirect my attention toward what really matters. There´s no more space for desperation. Not that there ever was. I will tackle every problem with gusto. I need to be able to be authentic and passionate. And I don´t need anyone´s approval for that. I don´t remember whatever led me to believe, I did.

I always was energetic by nature. I don´t know who this zombie was, I transformed into these last two years. I want to be strong again, cheerful, enthusiastic, and vivacious. I´m no longer afraid to take the room by storm. I have to focus on the things I want, and not on the things that hold me back. I am open to life´s infinite capacity to surprise me, and I don´t need validation or approval from others.

I am resistant like a tree. I have to design my own life consciously, or it will be designed for me. and I can never allow that to happen again.

Hey diary, I want to confide something more to your patient pages: Last night I dreamed my grandfather visited me. The dream was in black and white. You know I have a huge bedroom right, of course, you do. You spent every hour on my nightstand. In my dream, it seemed even larger. In my dream I woke up, to find my grandfather sitting in a chair in a corner of the room, next to the door leading to the stairs, a serious distance from my bed. It all seemed so real. I wasn´t even surprised that my grandpa was sitting there, though he has long been dead. He was wearing a coat: his Sunday best and his usual cap. He sat there, just looking at me. in my dream I was wondering how long he had been sitting there when he began to speak: 

-“Turn your troubles into triumph.” He spoke. Then I woke up, my heart racing like a subway train. It has all been so real… and it haunted me for the rest of the day. I was not yet, really able to think creatively, but then it hit me: this was his life´s motto. To turn troubles into triumph. I admit a shrunk a little with shame. I began to wonder, why it was, that on good days, I was able to get rid of this crippling depression, only for it to hit back vigorously a couple of days later. I realized that I only arrived on a threshold of a doorway somewhere between thoughts and expression, and apparently, I lacked the courage of my convictions. I still had to turn to ash what had bound me in chains and fall in love with life again. Rise from my cage and force forth new creations.

Dear diary,

Once upon a time, my life was almost barren of creation and enjoyment. It lost its purpose. Or rather, I lost its purpose. I felt like there was a whole lot missing these last two years, things I wasn´t given and that left a hole in my psyche. It didn´t occur to me that I had the power to replace whatever I felt was missing. From the dark periods of life, a new consciousness arises, right?

I can´t change the past, but I can shift my perspective to make the outcome work in my favor. I reclaim the power that has been siphoned off through believing myself a victim. I choose to put my energy into a life with plenty of love and creative contribution. Expressing creativity is incredibly important to us humans, and the lack of creative fulfillment is a major source of pain. For these reasons, I have to put a great deal of attention into opening up my creativity and finding ways to express that, which is not only of benefit to me but to others as well. Human beings have an innate drive to contribute to the well-being of others. I want to create a life in which I feel creatively fulfilled and also contribute to others at the same time, this for me: is life at its best.

The purpose of my life is to expand in love and creativity every day and to assist others who are willing to do the same thing.

I´m no longer going to play the second violin. I am the composer of my own symphony. I care about the world as a whole: not just my prosperity. I have both a pragmatic and caring nature. I lay wounded for a while, but I can use this to the advantage of many.

I want to be a free person: free of the past, free to invent the present and future I want.

Making value-based meaning. I think, in the end, that is what got my grandfather through the horrible Nazi concentration camps. Plus, a healthy dose of appropriate humor. Laughter is, always was, and always will be, the best medicine.

I will reconcile all contradictions, appreciate life, and work hard at the things I love. Bringing my complete self to each moment with grace and enthusiasm, love, and of course laughter.

The road ahead appears long and mysterious, and right now I´m still driving at night with no headlights. But I can do that, I´m not the first to embark on this path.

Once upon a time, dear diary, my life was almost barren of creation and enjoyment. Now, spring is here, and with that, the magic awakens. There is magic in truth, and there is truth in my veins….