A Fishing Boat Was No Place for Me

Disclaimer: This story contains suggested themes of alcohol and physical harm, as well as mild language.

The angry sun melts my blistering red skin. Grey devils circle me and grow bored but return nonetheless before I can steal a wink of sleep. I block the sun with my arm to get a better look ahead of me. There are no islands and no mainland to offer me relief. Not so much as a pile of rocks breaking through the water. The water which silently guides me further and further. A yelp of pain escapes me as one of the devils makes a splash, spraying salt water in my eyes. I look over the lip of the dinghy, careful not to rock it with my weight. The devils seem to be taking a break from me again, perhaps a new prey has wandered into their pack.

This is not what my vacation was supposed to be. I was supposed to sip cocktails on my brothers’ sailboat and listen to their wild fishing stories not become one of them! Did they lie about the beauty of the sea and the majesty of its residents? Because there is nothing beautiful about waiting to become a shark's Thanksgiving dinner!

I had drunk heavily out of boredom and stumbled into the damned dinghy when the rope keeping it to the sailboat went slack and I fell with it into the dark water. I don't blame them for not seeing me out there in the middle of the night, I was likely just a black dot in the sea, but have they not heard of a designated drinker? They must have been too deep into their own bottles to not have noticed the thud of the little boat! Who tied that knot anyway? The dinghy rocks suddenly pulled me out of my spiral. I pull the paddle out from under the bench seat and start paddling with great vigor and with much doubt as I have never had to row a boat before. By some miracle my little boat starts moving. The grey devils quit their pursuit and disappear. I stop rowing and the water settles, as if they had never been there at all.

I lay back on the floor of the boat, using my damp cardigan to shield my face. I am abruptly faced with images of my younger brother holding up the first fish he had caught as a young boy and then the memory of our last family dinner with mom where she danced and sang terrible karaoke with our older brother. If she were still here she would have talked me into going shopping with her instead of going on some silly boat trip. I can practically hear her now, berating me for thinking a stinky old fishing boat was ever a place for a lady! I continue to slip in and out of restless sleep for an endless time until I can not take it anymore and jump up. I have never been so parched in my life and my skin has never burned or itched like it does now. I dig my hands into the cold water like an animal and splash it all over myself. I rub it into my shoulders and face. I gulp it down and make swirlies in it with my little index finger. I hum an old song that my mom used to sing and look around the open air. For a moment I thought I had seen a boat! I thought my brothers had come back for me! But the distant figure swooped down and disappeared far, far below. It must be one of those devils keeping an eye on me!

I watch my fifth sunset disappear below the horizon. The moon has come to laugh at my pity and despair once again. It mocks me. The stars shift around it and the clouds shake with laughter. I curse it. I curse the moon and the sky. I curse the stars and curse the quiet black water all around me. Most of all I curse the blasted dinghy! I rip the jewelry off my neck and throw them at the sky.

“Let's knock you into the water and see how you like it!” I bawl. The moon laughs with his crooked grin still. He seems to spin with amusement. The clouds around him rumble and distort the stars. My torture tickles them so that they begin to cry. Their tears crash into the boat and tear through me like bullets. I clasp my hands over my ears and scream vile things into the air. Nasty things that my mother would have disowned me for. I can't hear myself over their laughter anymore. I can only see black and hear the bellowing of the wind all around me. Before I know it my red suede heels are soaring and I’ve cast my sunglasses out into the void with them.

A terrible shriek escapes me as thunder rolls and the dinghy rocks to and fro. Everything seems to be taking pleasure in my sweat soaked plea for mercy. Lightning strikes down everywhere, sending shock waves through the water. Thunder rolls again, a long, harrowing peal. The waves knock me around in the boat. My hip crashes into the bench. I attempt to steady myself by holding on to the sides of the boat but get toppled over instead by a new set of waves. I barely catch myself on the side. I grip the boat with white knuckles, a fierce crack of lightning comes down behind me and illuminates the sky long enough to catch my reflection in the pitch black sea. My beautiful long blonde hair is mangled and balled up into knots in places, my makeup is a strange lingering memory around my eyes and my blouse is both soaked and torn in terrible places. Can it even be considered a shirt anymore? Worst of all, looking into my eyes was like looking into a stranger’s. I can’t look away from it. Every bolt of lightning reveals the shell of a woman looking back at me. The rain thrums on the boat floor and thunder rolls all around like laughter. I thrash the woman’s face, sending water up into my own but I can’t stop. I smack her, I punch her. I scream like a banshee while I tear her face apart yet every time the thunder cracks her face is perfectly refreshed. I finally get to my feet, fists balled at my sides.

“This is fine,” I scream up the sky, “this is where I was going to end up anyway! I want to be here! I WANTED this, so- laugh all you want, moon!” I laugh maniacally and lift one foot to the edge of the boat. What a perfect holiday, I whisper to myself. Then I step out into the water.

Thunder turns into distant screams above me. The ocean nudges me from side to side from the force of its waves above. My swollen, red arms look alien floating above me. The nail polish, chipped and faded, is like rust growing over my hands. The world goes black. I sink slowly, further down. I never knew that water could feel so much like jello. I come to and see the light of the storm is now only a tiny blip in the distance.

“Janice…Jan… “ I try to jerk myself around to see who spoke, accidentally swallowing water as I do. Who is there? I try to ask but just inhale more water instead. I hear my name again from behind me and then from the side. The wispy woman’s voice echoes through the thick black water. It shifts and glows and bounces around me. A long white form appears out in the abyss, too far to see very well but I don't need to see it to know what it is. The angel swims slowly counterclockwise. Once. Twice. It seems to be in perpetual motion like it is stuck in a loop.

“Jan-Jan…” the woman calls again. It occurred to me then that this must be the angel calling to me. How does she know me? How can she even see me, so far away and in the dark as I am. I start swimming, taking broad strokes with my arms and kicking rhythmically. With all the force I can muster up I strive to push through the water to reach my beckoning angel. I become exhausted quickly and pause to give my arms rest. When I open my eyes and look around I am no closer to her than before. She continues on her circular path around me. Slowly trudging on like a wight. I push through the water again all in vain.

She calls softly again, before her echo dies off she appears in front of me. I never thought an angel’s eyes would be so bleak and dark. They pierce through me as though she were looking beyond my flesh to the other side of the water. Her mouth opens wide. I catch a glimpse of what must be her hair flowing behind her. Her whole being feels like it never ceases motion although she remains fixed in front of me. Come here, I try to say but I can’t feel my face and the words never come. I reach my arm out toward her instead. Pushing through the water between us is like lifting an invisible weight. My tingling fingers reach her slipper soft skin. I run my hand across her forehead, down her nose and toward her cheek. Without a thought I stretch to cover her tiny eye with the palm of my hand. She says my name once more, the final syllable lingers around us. Her face distorts and shifts. She pulls back and lets out an awful groan.

Was the water always so beautifully red? It’s like swimming in rose petals! Oh, I try to touch my stomach, it feels so strange. I can’t find it though, it’s like I’ve lost it. Now how does that happen? Hmm…there is no more lightning above us. The moon and the clouds must have finally concluded their mockery of me. I look around as much as I can. My neck is so stiff. At last I spotted the angel beneath me. She swims back to me eagerly…