The Trip to the Shit Show

Taxi, Follow that car!

This isn't a taxi, mam. You're sitting in an ambulance.

To hell, I'm not. Look, it says taxi right there on your badge.

I'm sorry, mam. That does not say taxi. It says ambulance.

Then why the hell am I in an ambulance when I called a taxi?

You're the one who made the call, mam.

Let me out of here so I can get a taxi. I'm afraid I can't do that. Once you are in my custody, I can't let you go.

What the everlovinghell do you mean you can't let me out?

Those are the rules, mam.

And who makes up these stupid rules, anyway?

If I had to guess, I'd say it's probably, God.

What does God have to do with me being in this ambulance taxi?

It's not a taxi —

Yes, I heard you the first time. It's an ambulance.

Are you just going to sit here, or are you going to drive?

I'm just going to sit here.

But the car is running. Aren't you planning on pulling out into traffic and going somewhere?

Not yet.

Why not?

Because I have to get word first.

Word from whom?

From dispatch.

Can't you call them?

No, mam. Word from dispatch is only one way.

Why on earth would that be?

I don't know, lady. You tell me.

How the hell should I know? I don't run the place. All I tried to do was call a taxi to take me to the met, and I ended up getting you. How's that for a shit show.

Very well, mam, I'll drive you to the shit show.

I never said I wanted to go to the shit show. I said this was a shit show. And anyway, is there really such a place as an actual shitshow?

As far as I know, there is.

And where is this place?

Just up the road a bit. I'll take you there.

I take it back. I would rather go to the met.

I don't know what the met is.

We just passed it a few minutes ago.

You mean the coliseum?

No. No, I don't mean the coliseum. There is no coliseum in New York.

I'm afraid there is, mam.

Bullshit. This whole morning has been bullshit. Take me to the coliseum then, and I'll get out there.

Here we are.

The door is locked. Why won't you let me out?

I'm not sure they allow women in the coliseum.

And why the hell not?

It's for men only.

I'll tell them I'm a man, then.

I don't think they'll believe you.

Why not?

Because you don't look like a man, there are rules, you know.

Rules? Rules about what?

About women looking like men.

There are no such rules. Where did you ever hear of such a rule?

Everyone knows about the gender rule. Women must dress as women, and men must dress like men. Everyone else is…

Everyone else is what.

You know.

No. I am quite certain I do not know.

Everyone else is eliminated.

Eliminated by whom?

By the ministry.

Of?

The ministry of gender, I guess.

That sounds made up.

Suit yourself.

Can you please let me out of this tax, I mean, ambulance?

Not until you pay the fare.

There's a fare?

Do you think ambulance rides are free?

I don't know what the hell I think.

If you give me twenty-five million dollars, I can let you go.

You have got to be shitting me. That is a ridiculous amount of money for a ride in a stranger's car.

I'm sorry to hear you think I am strange.

You know what I mean. Besides, I don't have that kind of money. Nobody does.

Lots of people do, I can assure you. I've given rides twice today to people with that kind of money.

Did they all go to the hospital?

I don't know what that is.

Ok. Let me get this straight. You drive an ambulance, but you have never heard of a hospital.

Correct, mam.

That is the craziest thing I have ever heard.

Then you haven't heard much.

Ok. Let's pretend this never happened. Why don't you just let me get out of here? I will never mention that I have ever met you or had this conversation.

That might be hard to do.

And why would that be?

Because I don't control the car doors.

I give. Who, intheloveofjesus, controls the car doors?

No need to be so crass, mam. The car door controller, of course.

And who is he?

He is a she.

Does she dress like a man or a woman?

I don't see how that is relevant.

How do we get ahold of this door controller?

The same way anyone gets ahold of anyone, I suspect.

How would that be?

They write a letter.

Oh, shit - fucker. Are you kidding?

No, mam. I'm afraid I'm not. No need to be vulgar.

Do you have a pen and a piece of paper?

What are those?

You don't know what pen and paper are, but you are telling me we need to write a letter. This is priceless.

That is what I am telling you.

So how does letter writing work in your world?

You write on the glass like this. But you have to write backward so she can read it.

For the love of Pete.

Who's Pete?

No one. It's just an expression.

I'm afraid if you want to use expressions, you'll have to take a different ambulance.

Ok. There. I wrote my request on the window. Backward. Now what?

Now we wait.

For what?

A response?

It's been an hour, and we've had no response. Where is the lady who controls the windows?

Perhaps she is busy. She also controls the opening of doors, you know.

No, I do not know. I have not known a single thing you have said since I took a seat back here. And why the hell are the seats so dirty?

Minister of vacuums is on vacation.

The bloody minister of vacuums goes on vacation? Who the hell is the minister of vacuums?

His name is Vince.

Minister Vince of the vacuums. That's quaint.

I'm sure he would be pleased you think so. The light just turned green, so I can let you out of the car now.

What does the light have to do with anything?

The lights have everything to do with everything.

I cannot wait to get out of here and tell my shrink what just happened.

Your shrink?

Yes, Dr. Querybutt. He's my shrink.

I think your shrink is dead. I saw it on the news this morning.

Well, that's a fine how do you do. I'm getting out of this taxi, and I am not paying you. Good day.

Goodbye, mam. Would you like a receipt?

A receipt. I haven't even paid you. So how come I get a receipt?

Everyone gets a receipt. That's just the way the world works.

I am so sick of how the world works right now, but I'll take your damned receipt.

And on the receipt was written, "One short ride to the shit show, and then a long drive back to the coliseum. No charge."