BRIGHT STAR

BRIGHT STAR

I can hear her, my sister. She has dressed up in her new uniform so that mother can have a look at her before she starts school tomorrow. She obviously looks good, judging by my mother’s hushed tones of awe. They are only next door, for God’s sake. Do they think I have lost my sense of hearing on top of everything else? There’s no sense in keeping all this from me for Caroline, my twin, will come in to say goodbye in the morning and I’ll see her in uniform anyway. I’m not envious, after all. Okay, maybe I am, just a little bit. It should be me and her starting the new term together but, now, I will never get to wear that same uniform, never get to attend another school. She’s my sister and I love her unreservedly and we’ve always been so close, shared every confidence, until...until you.

Now, she no longer shares this room with me. It’s too awkward, what with everything. She has moved in next door, the spare bedroom. I want only the best for her. That is the total truth. How could I not? But, a part of me can’t help resenting her careful, responsible ways that have allowed her to have a future while I, with my wilful, vivacious approach to life have none. We are chalk and cheese, always have been, but, despite the differences in our character, we were always there for each other. I should have listened to her when she warned me about you. So many times, My God, how many cautions does a person need before they actually listen? Obviously, I never did and, now, I pay the price.

Here they come to say goodnight. I can almost discern mother’s every whispered word: don’t tire her. Keep it brief. No need to mention school.

Caroline, of course, will have removed her new uniform, thinking I’ll be too upset at the sight of it; a reminder of something stolen from me.

Just as I thought. So predictable. They mean well and I know that but...there they go, couldn’t wait to get out of my room and shut the door, getting on with their lives while I remain behind, a prisoner, alone in my misery.

The drugs help, especially at night.

I can find solace in dreams; at least for a while. But, inevitably, somehow, you always manage to squirm your way back into my life. Dreams should be inviolable, shouldn’t they? How is it that you can infiltrate mine so easily? Why can’t you just leave me alone? You’ve done your worst for pity’s sake. What more do you want from me?

I should hate you...but I don’t. I do resent, even detest you but, for so long, I adored you, worshipped you; habits too hard to break. Like a junkie, I was addicted to you, yearned for you, couldn’t live without you and the way you made me feel. What a fool I have been. It’s all, finally, so clear to me now but, when you are caught up in the highs of something, it’s almost impossible to rationalise one’s thoughts and it’s like being swept along in a strong, gusty wind with no power to escape, hurtling headlong into oblivion.

“What do you think, Di?”

“Oh, Caroline, you look so smart. You’ll have all the boys after you”.

I have no idea how I summoned those words from some place deep inside of me. I’d rehearsed them in my mind over and over but, even still, I came close to choking on them. But I did it; I managed it but...I should be going with you in my own smart, school uniform.

“Is there anything I can get you before I head off?”

“Just one thing, could you please draw the curtains tighter? Mother never does it properly”?

She did. Closing that one small chink that mother always seemed to forget. Deliberately? Who knows.

Caroline kissed me awkwardly. She smelt lovely, showered, hair washed; determined to make a good impression on her first day at the new school.

“Love you, Di”.

“Love you more”.

The words almost stick in my throat, yet I do love her; just, it’s not fair how things have turned out. Now, she is on her way; her time to shine.

I, of course, in contrast to my sister, probably stink, at best, smell pretty putrid. Mother or a nurse will, eventually, come as usual and bathe me and I’ll just continue to have to reek until then. It’s the drugs that cause the smell, I think. Or, maybe, it’s just because of the fact that I am rotting from within.

At least, she has kept you out, for a while at least, by her closing of the curtains.

Why me? I’ve asked myself that question so many times without coming up with an acceptable answer. I mean why, out of so many followers, did you choose me? Why was I so susceptible to your charms? Father Evans, a well meaning but misguided man, tells me not to dwell on the what might have beens of life; it serves no good purpose. But, I can’t seem to focus on anything else. It’s like an obsession.

I know, absolutely, no question, that I was the type that went too far, pushed the envelope, so to speak but what harm did I do? I looked good. Damn, I looked great! Everybody loved to be in my company; even those that, in all honesty, really resented my popularity, envied my healthy glow, little did they know what was actually going on inside. Yet, I treated them all as equals; never projecting favouritism. It was they that wanted to be a part of my special luminescence and all were welcome. In the background, always, was Caroline, keeping an eye out for my own security, yet never coming close enough to be a part of my circle. How wise she was, as I look back in hindsight.

Where are they now, those acolytes? Vanished from sight, all of them. I can picture Caroline at the new school with those girls from St. Catherine’s who grew up with us both, asking: where’s Di? And my sister breaking the news. The shock, the horror. Sympathy? Not much, I imagine. Oh, it might be expressed but not genuinely meant. I was a level above them, soaring high, while they looked on bemusedly from below, unable to match my brilliance. How they envied me and, now, as Caroline reveals my situation, I am sure that most, if not all, will feel some kind of relief and, yes, vindication, for their jealousy. Who knows? Who, indeed, cares?

Ah, here she comes. My bath is about to happen. My one, brief, highly anticipated pleasure in the dreary days that are my lot now until...until...

“Oh please, don’t open the curtains. Plea...”

‘Nonsense dear. You need cheering up. This room is not good for you. Far too depressing lying alone in the darkness”.

She doesn’t understand, of course. Who could? She treats the physical ailments, not the distresses of the mind and, inadvertently, she has allowed you back into my life. I see you and I cannot ignore you. As much as I detest you, I am still drawn to you, still long for your embrace, the warmth of your touch as you caress my skin. God help me. I still love you, adore you, worship you. Oh giver of life. Oh bringer of doom. There you are in all your glory, looking in at my hideous form. See what you have made of me. How does it make you feel? You don’t care, do you? Never did. You will go on...and on, seducing others in your wake.

I should have listened to Caroline. Di, use more protection. Di, enough is enough. But I didn’t listen, did I? I couldn’t! I loved my deep, deep tan. I glowed all summer, radiated beauty and health. I searched you out every day and gave myself to you wantonly. I revelled in my looks; the life and soul of every gathering.

I see you now in your many guises, Soleil, Solaris, Helio, Estelle, too late, my doom sealed; my one, brief, shining moment upon this earth all but over. Like Icarus, I exulted in being in your orbit but flew too close for far too long. The wax in my own wings melted and my downfall began, the reward for my adoration: my grim, terrible fate, my curse, my melanoma.