The Lapse in Judgement

The Lapse in Judgement 

After nearly dying because Rina had slid off the icy road into a snowbank, barely a foot away from a tree and four feet away from a river, she thought it would be rather hilarious if a wild animal lunged from within the dark forest and ate her alive. There would be a cruel irony of surviving one incident just to be taken out by the second one.

She had predicted the crash would happen before it had even occurred. Anyone who challenges their fatality cannot be surprised when the weakness of mortality becomes unquestionable. She was pushing the fates in a game she knew she was playing, and whenever there is a gamble, there is no surprise by a loss rather than a win.

Rina was always late, which is why she was speeding. Whether it was due to leaving at the last minute or simply from being a habitual procrastinator, she was absolutely and shamelessly never on time. For this occasion, she was late in dealing with a problem that was pressing deeply on her slight shoulders for the past couple weeks. She had been avoiding talking to her friend about a drunken night they had together. In a spur of the moment decision, she chose to speed over to where he was finishing his shift at work to finally have the discussion, which wasn’t going to happen anymore.

Rina had also been practicing drifting on her way over to him, a new sport created by a need to take on more risks than she probably should. Her car spun out of control after she tried to save it and in a puff of white, her car skid to a stop. She remembered thinking in the moment that she had read about this experience once. An author had explained what it was like to be in a spinning car and insanely she was admiring another writer’s descriptive skills in the midst of near death. Quite simply the world was in motion, no longer stabilized, jolting her to the side with nothing to stop the car or control its destination. Anything could happen in that moment, and she was utterly helpless. It was no longer up to her if she survived or not. 

The next moment after the car had stopped spinning, Rina was afraid she had hit the river nearby. She imagined the car filling up with water and the possibility of drowning caused her to panic. She reached over and tried to open the door with fumbling fingers, but it wouldn’t budge, causing another wave of fear.

Was she really going to die because she wanted to try drifting? Would her daredevil behavior kill her this time? Or should she say her stupidity? 

Her survival instincts kicked in and she began to kick down the window, thinking about the car sinking into the depths of icy water. The snow was up to the window and her mind was wiped clean with only one intention. To get the hell out of the car. After kicking the window four or five times it gave way slightly, bringing her back to her senses. She sat back and took the time to breathe and think clearly again. That’s when she remembered she had other doors. She considered crawling out of the trunk first before she turned her head to eye the passenger side. It was clear now that Rina wasn’t going to drown and that her car wasn’t even near the water. She felt an eerie calm wash over her as she leaned over and opened the passenger side door. Relief washed over her like tepid water. This was all easy now. It was being stuck in the car with no service on an empty road that wouldn’t be used until early morning that had caused her the most panic. Now that she could leave, everything was doable. 

Rina made sure to shove her debit card and ID into her coat pocket before killing the engine,  gripping her car key in her palm as she stepped out of the undamaged vehicle. She shut the door, feeling disembodied as she went from one point to the other.

It wasn’t even that cold, she thought, this wouldn’t even be that bad.

Rina had no other choice but to walk until she found service to call for help. She started to trudge down the icy road, the trees occasionally creaking when the ominous wind picked up before dying back down. It was silent without the wind. All she could hear was her boots obnoxiously crunching against the snow. The car sat in the snowbank behind her, slowly shrinking, an obvious sign of her screw up. It was minus twenty and lowering. She had two layers on, no gloves, a hat, and boots. She would be able to survive. 

She began to walk faster, acknowledging the long and cold journey she had ahead. 

Rina had been so focused on getting through her accident that it came in an emotional wave that she could have died. The realization gripped her, taking her breath away, and wringing out the shock of the accident. It caused her entire body to shake, and the sob raked through her before ebbing. She shook it off and began to run. She was trying to decide if it was sheer luck, fate, or some sort of higher power that she lived, but she was never on a stable path of faith. 

Running helped her evade the cold and from going into a severe shock. She ducked her chin, cheeks, and nose into her coat, considering frostbite now. First she thought she was going to die from a car crash, then a rabid animal, and now there was the small chance of freezing.

She could hardly deal with the severe agitation that her best friend became the reason she veered off the damned road in the first place. She'd been thinking about the conversation she had to have with Jeremy, mulling over the words that may get through to him right before her car swerved out of control. 

She had waited too long to confront him but she knew she had to talk to him eventually. His actions and then lack of ability to discuss what they had done was more frustrating than anything she had ever gone through before. She was also irritated with herself for wanting to just forget about it as well so she could move on, but she absolutely couldn't. She wasn’t able to erase the memory, nor could he, so they had to figure out what the hell was going on.

It was within Rina’s design to become absorbed with someone who wouldn't give her the affection she should be searching for. Perhaps it adds up. After having a father who never showed her mother love, she must have decided that all relationships would be as cold and heartless. Her mother showed too much helpless emotion while her father showed nothing except bitterness and wry amusement towards other people's reactions to certain developments. She knew her best friend was similar. The type to never discuss deep emotion and to avoid conflict as she had learned to do. She only faced issues if she was forced to, otherwise she would prefer to fester in her rage while watching the issue pass her by until it becomes thoroughly repressed. 

She wasn't even sure why she was drawn to him in the first place. It was for reasons she couldn't understand. They would sometimes talk about their inexplicable connection, leaning closer to one another. In her opinion the ridiculous excitement they always had in seeing each other should have been enough of a sign that they were not just friends, but being who they are, they both ignored their attraction and rode the high of being next to each other. It makes sense that they enjoyed the hormonal rush and she had to admit to becoming an addict for three months. He was a drug she should have avoided but was too intensely pulled in that she became helpless in her fall into his world. When Rina was with him everything lit up and she got this uncanny energy to be alive. Work became exciting and fun. Just knowing she would see him made her count the days until their next meeting, which was frightening. Sometimes she did feel as if she got withdrawals when he wasn't around. She would feel drained and sad.... she hated that someone made her feel that way.

She must have seen herself in him. His maniacal happiness, which was covering a pain from the past, resonated with her. He lived a fast life, working long hours and partying until the sun rose. Rina understood repressing the past until it comes bubbling up. She always waited too long to deal with something that caused her pain and he was the same. Except she was sure he just didn't deal with it at all.

He once asked Rina what her story was and she wanted to tell him while he was high on cocaine. She was going to tell him about a best guy friend she had when she was a teenager who utterly destroyed her but the words never left her mouth. She wallowed in the dark humour that she was about to open up to someone who became the second version of the best friend who hurt her in the past. Why do some mistakes repeat? If she restrained herself from him a little more, perhaps he would never have sighed her name in bed through a drunken stupor. 

Rina thought about how Jeremy had searched for her lips on the eve of his birthday. She remembered the hesitation and sweetness as his mouth moved against hers. It was a drunken and confused mess. They tumbled into a desire for one another which petered off until they rolled over beside each other in his bed and fell asleep.

She began to run faster. The running helped fight the cold and the slight fear of what could be lurking inside the woods. There was also the foreboding acknowledgement that she was utterly alone. She had to survive without anyone's aid. It made her realize she had a strength she didn't believe she had.  There is something to be said about dealing with a car crash in the middle of nowhere by yourself. If she could mentally deal with a near death situation, she could deal with anything. She had formed a plan, dealt with emotional turmoil, come to terms with her mistakes and realities all whilst trudging down an empty road at night. 

Rina got service an hour later. With almost numb fingers she tried to find the number for AMA, and when her data wouldn’t work she realized she had to call a friend. Despite everything she thought to call Jeremy for help despite all the turmoil he had caused, but when the moment came to call someone, she knew exactly who to call and it wasn’t Jeremy. Instead she called two people she knew without a doubt would be there for her.

Mathew and Jon came to her aid without question. She didn’t even ask for them to pick her up. The moment they heard she was in a crash, they left the party they were at immediately and within twenty minutes, she was in their toasty car. They went the extra mile and drove to where her car was stuck in the snow and pulled it out. She could hardly get over her shock by how willing these men were to help her. It made her realize who her real friends were. They were the perfect people to call. They were caring, but not too overwhelming, they asked very few questions and didn’t push for answers. They showed their affection genuinely through their actions and their stern words to be careful next time. The cold she felt before was terminated by their care.

         Two days after the crash, Rina finally cornered Jeremy. She opened his car door while he was sitting inside the parking lot, preparing to go home after work, and waiting for the vehicle to warm up. She asked for a cigarette and a lighter. He gave her both. She lit the cigarette and breathed in deeply. The effects of the nicotine immediately calmed her and helped her focus. She had to do this.

She smoked two cigarettes back to back for the first time in her life, thinking about how to discuss this as he complained about working on his days off. He wasn't in a good mood but she needed to get this done. Her hands shook as she continued to inhale deeply. 

"I'll be quick,” she said. “We need to talk about what happened that night after your birthday. We should have talked about it right after..."

He gave me a vague nod and began picking at his window.

“I agree,” he replied after a long moment.

"It's just caused the friendship to be a little off, don't you think?" she asked hesitantly.

"I thought everything was good. I've stayed in contact with you the whole time."

Her eyebrows rose. Was it really just her? Had he literally just brushed off what happened as meaningless? Nothing?

"Well either way we should have figured it out so I wasn't trying to navigate through whatever the fuck was going on" she continued. 

"Yeah."

“So we should have figured out if it was a drunken mistake or due to our mutual attraction. Are we just friends or…?”

He didn’t reply which caused her further frustration.

"So..."

"I don't know what happened," he shook his head tiredly. She could see how drained he was but couldn’t feel anything except agitation. “I just don’t know.”

She waited three weeks for an 'I don't know?' He kissed her and they nearly had sex and he has no idea why?

She had been wound up for so long about this and she got no absolution. All she wanted was a conclusion and he couldn’t even give her that.

With the cigarette butt in her hand, she stepped out of the car after bidding him a good day and threw the dead butt into the snow and buried it. She began strolling back to her apartment with flooding emotions, her hands shoved in her pockets. 

Thank God she finally brought up that drunken night, because if she never did she wouldn’t have found out that she was dealing with a complete fool. At least she knew now. Better late than never.