A Lost Night

It would almost be better if he could make some sort of sound. It’s pitch black outside, making it hard to see him properly, but I can’t turn on any lights at such a late hour. I need some sign that he will be alright. I wish to hear his labored breaths become steady with time. But instead, all I hear is cold, dead silence.

It was the original reason I had gotten a rabbit, they were absolutely quiet. Except, they were known to scream when near death. But that is a sound I hope never to hear.

I run my hand across Blaze’s back, some of his black fur sticks to my sweaty hand. I feel his sides expand with each breath, but his lungs rattle slightly.

I think he is going to die tonight.

His uneaten food is in his bowl, all the green leaves untouched. I don’t know how to fix him. I take a plastic spoon and dip it in his water bowl to fill it. A few drops splash onto the bedding on the floor of his cage. I put the spoon in front of Blaze’s mouth, his head lifts with some effort. He sniffs the water, then turns away. My heart drops. What will I do without you?

***

The store seemed so big. People crowded around a large rectangular pen in the center of the floor. It had a blue base as tall as me, but it had four glass walls on top. I slid through the throng of people, jumping up to gaze at animals inside. On my third jump, a pair of hands grabbed my waist and lifted me. Now that I was above the pen, in my father’s firm grip, I could see that it was filled with a family of rabbits.

They were so small, hopping around and fighting for space beside the food bowl. The rabbits were an assortment of brown and beige and white, except for a single black one in the middle. My eyes widened, and I pointed at it with my stubby little finger.

“That one.”

***

Coming back to the present is physically painful. Like someone ripped down the curtain of the past, shredding it in their hands. The transition leaves me lightheaded and breathless. I stroke Blaze’s head, feeling his whiskers brush against my fingertips. He’s all I have.

***

I laughed loudly. My entire family turned to stare down at my prone form from the sofa, their expressions wondering what was wrong with me. My cheeks burned, and I sat up from where I was lying on my back on top of the fluffy carpet.

“He, uh, licked my face.” A remaining giggle burst from my mouth. Blaze was still running across the carpet, doing a binky, a cute little hop that embodied his joy. I could picture the smile on his mouth.

***

You can’t leave me. The thought is an accusation. His wide black eyes keep staring into oblivion.

“You can’t,” I whisper, stroking the crown of his head with a finger. He grinds his teeth in response, melting my already bruised heart.

***

I placed the stuffed toy next to him. A white rabbit wearing a pink bow around his neck. Blaze looked at it and seemed to huff, if that was something a rabbit could do. I sat next to him, petting his fur while trying to think of a topic for my english essay. I looked down at his big ears, and an idea sparked to life.

“I can research how ear size affects an animal's hearing or reaction time, and how that can impact their survival rates.” I leaned down to kiss Blaze’s head, getting a mouthful of fur. “Blah! Thanks.”

***

I had gotten the best score in the class on that essay. All thanks to Blaze. He is the inspiration for everything I do. He gives me all of my best ideas. I don’t know how to do this all without him.

“You’ve been with me for so long.” I swallow. There is an ache deep inside of me, like I ate lead and it’s sinking down towards my stomach. “You were mine for seven years.” I can’t stop the tears burning in my eyes from falling. “Why do you have to go? You’ve been with me for everything. When we moved, when I started high school, my first violin solo, my graduation. When my grandmother died. When I thought life was going to break me, you were there.”

Tears slide down my nose, falling off the tip. I’m sure if I ran my hand down Blaze’s back, I would find the fur damp. I sit with him the rest of the night, holding onto him as if I can keep him in this world through sheer will.

I pet him, hoping this won’t be the last time I feel his warmth beneath my hands.

I speak to him about my plans for next week, leaving it unsaid that if he dies I will add his funeral to my todo list.

I urge him to eat or drink, though he persistently refuses.

***

My heart nearly leaped out of my chest when I saw a hawk land next to Blaze’s pen. He was outside enjoying the sun and fresh grass inside a circular green pen with tall walls when a giant bird screeched threateningly. Instinct took over and I rushed out the door yelling incoherently. The hawk jumped in surprise and flew away when I approached. I climbed into the pen, holding Blaze close to my heart to stop his shaking and thumping.

“You’re alright. I won’t let anything happen to you,” I whispered into his fur.

***

The sun hasn’t even risen when I feel Blaze jerk beneath my touch. He lets out a high pitched scream, a sound I know I will hear in my nightmares forever. Then he goes limp. Falling over sideways. His legs stretch out beneath him. My hand is frozen where it was before. When I was petting Blaze only moments ago. Now, it hovers a few inches above my dead rabbit.

My throat closes, blocked with emotion I can’t afford to let out. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to punch the wall until my skin breaks open and bones snap apart. But it’s the middle of the night. I can’t.

So I sit. I look down at my most faithful companion’s body, thanking him for everything he has done. I thank Blaze for the person he made me into.

Without him, I never would have been able to get through my grandmother’s death. I never would have been able to cope with the stress of high school. I wouldn’t have discovered my creativity. My knack for writing. I need to continue to be my true self, the person Blaze allowed me to become. Even though he isn’t here. Even though it seems impossible.

He deserves not to be forgotten. And this is how I can do this: by remembering the things he taught me.

My tears dry, leaving cracked lines streaking my face. My puffy eyes burn slightly. I carry Blaze’s stiff body in my arms and walk outside into the blinding sun to bury him.

Thank you Blaze, I owe you everything.