Silent Memories

It's cool here..peaceful, serene. The pine smells fresh, inviting. The birds are singing. Listen to the music! I'm floating...so peaceful..alone with my thoughts.

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"Mama, where are you?" There she is, smiling down at me. She smells good...wrapping me in a warm soft blanket. Peaceful, serene. Smells fresh! Listen to the music..Soft..Lullabye and good night. Go to sleep my little one..

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"Daddy! Get ready! Catch! " There he is, smiling at me. His goofy smile, ear to ear, with that silly tooth. He wriggled it with his tongue, making me laugh. He cheered as I hit the ball with my bat. Go..Go..run..run!. He's shouting..jumping. I made a home run! I'm sitting high on Daddy's shoulders, laughing, bouncing. Our team won! Daddy looked up at me and jiggled his silly tooth with his tongue. I put my tongue in the place where my tooth fell out last night. Same one! The tooth fairy visited me and left a silver dollar! But the home run, with Daddy smiling ,was the best.

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"Gramma! Are you ready to make the gingerbread?" She opened her door, wrapping her arms around me, surrounding me in their warmth. Her house smelled like Cinnamon. We sat at the fireplace, drinking warm apple cider. I told her about my day. She told me a story about Grampa. The first Christmas they had together, the pine tree he cut down and brought into the house, the same one she lives in all these years later. She took his picture down from the mantle and we looked at it, the same ritual we do year after year. He's standing by the tree, trying to hold it up. To me, the tree looked gigantic. Peaceful, serene and happy that it was going to share their first Christmas. She took the ribbon out of its special box, it was the hair ribbon she wore on their wedding. She asked me to hang it on our tree.

"You mean it? I can do it this year?. " She nodded and smiled at me. The smile that was surrounded by warmth, love and smelled like cinnamon! "Yes" she said," You are old enough "

I reached gently into THE BOX, held the ribbon gingerly and placed it just so.. eye level for me so I can look at it and think about gramma and grampa. "Wait, don't forget Mr. Kringle." she said, and hung the gingerbread Santa we made last year next to the ribbon.

"Ok" she said, "It's time to make the gingerbread." We went into the kitchen and washed our hands. She got out the bowl and said I could pour the ingredients in. My nose did a happy dance as the ginger and cinnamon, brown sugar mixed with the flour, butter and eggs. I stirred and watched the batter turn a golden brown, the cinnamon wafting into my nose. I couldn't stand it any more,

" Gramma? Don't you think I better taste it before we bake it?" She smiled at me, and I dipped my pinky into the batter. "It needs the secret ingredient." I turned to her, licking the cinnamon and ginger off my lips. She handed me the cloves. "Just 2" I said and mixed them into the batter.

While the gingerbread men baked, we sat around the old record player and sang Christmas songs. She had played the records when she was a child so some of the words were muffled but we heard them plain as day.

An hour later, we ate our baked chicken and watched our favorite Christmas movie. She said "It's time for bed, go brush your teeth." I looked at her" but gramma, what about our dessert? I can't sleep until we eat the gingerbread men. " She looked at me and arose from her rocking chair. "Well, alright but you have to come to the kitchen." The cookies had cooled on the counter. "Gramma? Why is this one different?' It had red hot eyes and extra frosting on it.

" Well, I guess you probably should eat that one." She smiled.

I went to bed that night, wrapped in a warm blanket, and the smell of cinnamon wafting into my bedroom.

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"Dara? Where are you?" She was standing next to me, her hand touched my shoulder. "I'm here mom."

"Where is my son in law?"

"He had to work late, remember? He is going to meet us at home."

"Honey, I'm scared. I don't think I can go home yet."

"Mom, we talked about this. You have to stay with us now. We're not leaving you alone."

"I'm blind Dara. That stroke left me blind! I can't see you anymore! What am I going to do?"

"I have something for you. I put some pine oil on this cloth, now smell it." I smiled. "See? Your nose is taking over! I baked your favorite gingerbread, it's warm and waiting for you."

When we got to my daughter's house, the kids were laughing and hugging me, glad I was home. They started talking to me all at once about school, little league and how Sara, my granddaughter lost a tooth and how Jason, my grandson hit a home run.

They didn't seem afraid around me, just joyful and loving.

"Gramma! Come in the kitchen, we baked a surprise for you! " They ran ahead as Adam, my son in law told them, "Hey hey, now kids, we said no running around gramma, remember?"

"Sorry, gramma!". They walked slowly and carefully around me, then finished the run to the kitchen.

I smiled, "It's okay, thank you Adam. "

"Hey, mom, when it comes to your gingerbread recipe, it's hard to resist ! " he said.

We gathered around the table. I could feel the cookies, they were warm, extra frosted and ready to eat.

"Gramma, we made this one for you! It has red hot eyes! "

Sara added "And I put on red hot buttons! Three of them. " I smiled down at her and we said together "Because you're three!"

The loss of my sight was something I would mourn forever but the love that I felt coming from my daughter, the laughter from my grandkids would fill me with a peaceful serenity that I kept close to my heart.

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I'm floating...so peaceful..alone in my box, buried under the coolness of the pine scented dirt. Listening to the birds sing and somehow, smelling cinnamon.