Eight hours

It was so terribly cold. Snow was falling, and it was almost dark. Eight hours had passed, eight miserable hours, when my life flipped. Where people's lives are finished. Everything changed. No one was left. They were all dead. Dead because of me. If only I had warned them. If only I had said something, we would all be alive. I would still have my mother with me.

Mother's last words rang in my ear: "Run; don't ever look back!" Mother didn't know I was the cause of this disaster. She would've been disappointed, she wouldn't have handled it. I know she would've blamed herself and my father's death. She wouldn't have ever forgiven herself. Her only child turned into a complete monster.

 I wish I had been brave enough not to leave. To bring my mother with me; to bring my love with me. To say "I love you" one more time. The sound of a bullet hitting my mother's chest wouldn't leave. I remember my mother's cold body as she took her last breaths and tears streamed down her face. I remember telling my mother that everything was going to be okay and not to worry about me. "CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME?" I yelled, "ANYBODY!"

 I can still hear their wails and screams as bullets went through each of their heads. I remember the blood, dripping from children and adults. The fresh snow turned a bright red as the blood fell. I can still see all their bodies laying on the floor—the bodies of people I knew, people that will forever be engraved in my brain. Forever stopping me from reaching peace. 

I remember how the gun felt in my hand as I betrayed my promise. After that, everything was a blur. The general yelled, "What are you doing? I THOUGHT WE HAD A PROMISE. DON'T YOU DARE DO IT!" "I also thought we had a promise. YOU SAID YOU'D KEEP MY MOTHER ALIVE !SHE WAS DEAD the last time I checked!"

I recall the gush of blood that followed, and how people looked at me in confusion. No one had expected it. Their words swarmed in my head: "What do we do?" "How could she?" "She killed him?" "traitor," "monster," "murderer," "KILL HER!" I remember the feel of the grenades as I threw them at innocent people, who were expecting a victory. 

I felt the betrayal of their promise to keep my mother alive. The promise to save my mother and our future I remember the feeling of anger rushing over me as they expected me to use the gun to kill my people. After I had already betrayed them.

 Why would anyone do such a bloody thing? Why did they choose me? Did they ever think I was going to betray them? Why was I part of this? I wish I hadn't been accepted. The money wasn't worth it. I wish I hadn't been a part of it. I wish I were innocent. Why did I feel pressured to do it? I betrayed both sides. I was the real villain here. There was no one else to blame. What I did wasn't human. 

I remember running away like the coward I am. Eight hours ago, people were willing to die, and sacrifice their lives. Why couldn't I do it too? Why do I run? Children, elders, and women were all willing to die. Sadly, their sacrifices were in vain. Who would have thought that small discussions could end millions of lives? The blood they spilled didn't save anyone or anything special. Only a miserable survivor, a survivor who was a traitor to all. Who couldn't save the one person she loved, who managed to escape from her own hell? The hell that she created and manipulated is the hell that she had a chance to destroy—or, even better, never even create.

 Why am I still alive? Why didn't I let them kill me? How did I even survive? Why am I the worst person ever—a coward like me? I am a traitor. A nasty, dirty traitor. I know nothing will ever change that. No good deed will ever change the past. I am a burden to all, even to myself.

But I still have the chance to end it all and leave all the problems behind. To finally end my curse on this world. To save myself from future problems. Give new hope to this sad world. What else was there to choose? I held the rope between my fingers. Rough against my bloody skin, similar to the oak tree I had hung it from.

"DO IT, ESCAPE THIS STUPID BURDEN! YOU DESERVE THIS AND MORE!" My head kept repeating itself. YOU DID THIS TO OTHERS, WHY CAN'T YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF?" My heart, on the other hand, said, "Why, why? If there still may be hope, a small chance to escape, start from the beginning." My head said, "Why, so you can do more damage to people and become the devil himself. ARE YOU GOING CRAZY? Nothing will ever erase what you did. YOU ARE A MONSTER!" 

"Whichever I choose, it's still not going to end well," I said out loud. "I carry blood in my hands, I ENDED PEOPLE'S LIFE FOR GOD'S SAKE.I am a killer, a murderer. I have killed children. I ruined people's lives and killed people who did not deserve to be killed. I got my mother killed. The only family I had left, I LOST HER LIKE I LOST MY DAD!"I felt tears burn down my face as I yelled. " I NEVER WANTED THIS, I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY! I WANTED TO KEEP MY MOTHER SAFE FROM SUCH A TERRIBLE WORLD! I WANT TO BE INNOCENT! I WANT MY MOTHER BACK! I MISS FATHER SO MUCH! I HATE MYSELF! WHY WAS I EVEN BORN?

"I fell to the floor covered in tears, as more snow fell. It was terribly cold. Snow was falling, and it was almost dark. I said goodbye to the world eight hours after my life changed.

Suicide, blood