Story of my Life

CW: Contains themes and/or references to childhood neglect and sexual assault

Have you ever felt like the sky and earth are closing in on you? Like the walls are caving in? Like you're stuck in a tiny room? Like you're being pulled under water? We'll, this is just my life wrapped up in fishbowl.

I'm Hannah, a smart, black beautiful Jamaican girl who was born out of wedlock to Randy and Rose on November 7, 2005. My father was a married man who moved to Kingston, leaving his wife and kids behind. At least he was kind enough to still care for them.

They weren't rich, neither were they average. My mom was poor.

As for my dad, he could have been average, but he chose to invest his money in alcohol and not the healthy way.

I'd say, he was very addicted. My mother was not the smartest person when it came to her feelings for him. She loved him more than she'll ever love me.

By this you must be wondering why felt alone and so much pain. My life changed for the worst on a rainy day. I came from Basic School, my mother was not home, along with majority of the family. My aunt's son was there. Even though I was five, the memory plays in mind like it was yesterday.

I can still remember the sound of his voice, so soft and calm.

"Come guh inside guh play", he said.

I can't remember his facial expression. He took me inside his room to play Doll house. There he rated me. At that time, I didn't even know how precious and valuable my virginity was until I got older.

I feel like a part of me is gone, like it's been ripped away. No one understands, no one gets me.

I've been neglected, abused and brought down by family members whom I looked up to the most.

I thought they would always be there for me.

Not long after that my eldest sister from Portland came for me. My mother told me that I was just going away for the summer break.

I was so overjoyed, "finally I would be getting away from that toxic environment", I probably thought to myself.

Even though I've never met my sister before. I was young but very smart and mature because I had to be.

I knew a lot, heard a lot, saw a lot and been through a lot. I wanted to go but, just for a short time.

Little did I know they were planning something.

Chapter 2

Portland was so much different compared to Kingston. It was smaller and had less people. My sisters house was big and very pretty.

It felt really nice to be in an environment with less relatives. She only lived with her baby boy; her boyfriend was in America.

Things were going really good until one day I woke up, had my breakfast as usual. This time it was cereal. While eating, she told me that I would visit my Aunt Donna.

I'm just imagining how nervous I was.

It wasn't a long drive; she lived in the same Parish along with majority of my father's family. It took us like 40-45 minutes to get there.

We also had to climb a very rocky hill which was just like four to five minutes. It felt like a mountain.

We arrived at her house. I was greeted with a smile that I could never forget. She was very nice; her daughter was a grown College student who was also very sweet.

I was there for a good while before brought inside the living room, where Aunt Jody started to teach me on a black chalkboard. Patrika, my sister and aunt Donna sat on the veranda.

I kept looking at them discussing something that looked very important.

It went on for a while but by this time I have gotten to like cousin Jorga and forgot all about them.

As soon as I remembered, I looked behind but to my surprise, I saw my sister running down the hill. I ran from the living room to the veranda.

"PATRIKA! PATRIKA!!", I screamed from the top of my lungs.

She never looked back, I kept crying, screaming, shouting while my aunt held me back.

She left without telling me, I sat in the living room waiting and looking for her to come back but she never did.

That night, I didn't eat. I was so scared to the point where I peed the bed which I never normally did. I continued to pee the bed for two weeks straight. Some nights the sofa became my bad.

Every day, I kept looking for my sister, but she never came, and she never called.

I wanted my mommy, but she never came or called either.

I felt neglected, abandoned and alone.

Years passed and I got used to my aunt and cousin but there was still a hole in my life that just kept getting bigger and bigger every day. I felt empty, lost. It was like an unending pain.

I became very bitter, dark and rebellious. All I wanted was to be with my parents, especially my dad. I started to lie, steal and yell at my aunt.

"I WANT MY MOTHER!!, I WANT DADDY, I WANT TO GO HOME!!", I yelled.

I lived my aunt for seven years. She made sure that I was properly taken care of. We would go to church every Sunday, bible study on Wednesdays, Youth Service on Thursday. She was a special needs teacher. I really admired that about her, especially when she taught me and my church friends sign language.

She would only beat me if I misbehaved, or she would punish me by not allowing me to have fun or go one trips.

I would stay at a church sisters work or home until my aunt arrives from work. I hated this, I always feel like some of them didn't like me.

My favorite sitter was Ms. Marlene; she treated me with genuine love and care. She didn't let me feel like a criminal or the worst. Instead, she continued to treat me like how a child should be treated.

She was a true believer of Jesus; she followed his teachings and trued her best to live right. I thought of her as a mom, seeing that my biological mom never even cared to call and neither did my dad.

I went to spend the summer holiday in Kingston with my mom. I was now eleven. I thought it would just a normal trip like the past three summer breaks that I spent there.

This time my aunt decided to abandon me as well. She called my mom just two weeks before I was supposed to go back to Portland, tell her that she won't be taking me back.

Although I wanted to stay with mom, I felt really hurt when my aunt didn't want me anymore. The feeling of neglect and abandonment just grew stronger.

I still thought that living with my mom would get rid of those feelings.

Sadly, I was wrong, if you think that's all......MY STORY HAS JUST BEGUN.