What if - because I didn't.

This story contains commentary on physical and psychological abuse within marriage.

I wish that I could turn back time and go back to before. Before I was getting divorced, before being married and all the abuse within my marriage, before I even met my ex husband. I wish that I could go back to being 20 and I wish that I could do things differently; I think about that every day. The man that I am in love with now; I met before, I met him when I was 20 and I was too immature to know that he was the person that I was supposed to be with. I made the mistake of dismissing him and choosing another path in life and now here I sit staring out the window at the street below with construction on one side and people walking through ankle deep snow to avoid the flashing signs and barriers to warn them about machines digging up the earth and cars swerving to avoid each other on the other side. The couch is an ugly orange and rough against my bare arms and I wish that I could go back so that my children didn’t have to deal with the fall out that has swept them into the conflict between myself and my ex husband. My daughter has to go to counselling because of the things that he has involved her in and I wish with all my heart that I could change her circumstances and also my own so that this wouldn’t have ever been a possibility.

What if I hadn’t met my ex husband on Tinder? I wouldn’t have my children and that would be a loss for myself because I love them dearly. They are my whole world and I couldn’t imagine my life without them. At the same time I see the turmoil they go through because of my decisions and I think about what it would have been like if I had never met their father. Would I be sitting in a big important office building, working in an important job and owning my own home already? Would I be just as lost and confused but on a different path from the one my life has already taken? Would I have met the man I love a second time and started a life with him over again like I was supposed to or would we have never gotten a second chance? Too many questions swirl in my head and so I dismiss them so they don’t cloud my thinking; too much confusion and I become lost in my own thoughts which turn dark and creep into the recesses of my mind.

If I had known that I was going to get hit and abused the way I did I would never have chosen the man to marry that I did; I just didn’t see it coming though. He was so charming and full of confidence and that was the kind of person I thought I should be married to. He seemed to have everything together and he seemed to be successful and would help me through life without hardship. Instead he became the sole source of hardship that I would face throughout the six years that I was married to him. He would put me down and say that I was nothing. He would tell me that no one would ever love me again because I was used and disgusting. It is one thing to be hit and pushed down stairs and to wear the physical scars that someone you trusted endows on you and it is another entirely to wear the scars that are psychologically seared into your mind and body. Removing scars like that are difficult because they become wound into who you are as a person and who you have become because of your experiences. You will still not trust someone after when you are physically abused; and you will never trust again when you have been psychologically harmed because then everyone feels like a threat to you.

Even the most caring people in the world that you choose to let back into your life after you question their intentions. I became unsure of the man I love because I was told so many times that no one would love me. I would never have questioned him if I had not gone through the experiences that I had and had I not suffered through the trauma I had. Again the question about what if floats into my mind and I cannot help but try and grasp it because if I had only done one thing differently then maybe I wouldn’t be here now. Yet what if is not a concrete answer to any problems because what if I had never met him again and ended up with someone else. What if is not a secure thought to claim hold of because it does not lead to anywhere but fictitious thoughts and day dreams. There is no reality within what if.

After leaving my ex husband I found life to be completely different from what I thought my reality was. I forgot what it was like to have choices and to be allowed to say yes or no to things. It really had been such a long time that I completely forgot what it was like to be able to say no. The reality that I had been living had no place for saying no and instead I was expected to do what was demanded of me. I had to dress a certain way, to act a certain way and to live in a certain fashion that was acceptable to my husband. If I didn’t meet the requirements for what he desired of me I was punished and there would be consequences for what I did or didn’t do. Those choices that I had lost were something that I wish I had never lost because it made coming back into the world that much harder and how I wished that I had never been in that situation. I wished that I could go back to the beginning when I was pregnant and had worn a normal t shirt and when he told me that I was being immodest that I had told him that it was my body and my choice. I didn’t feel that I had the right to stand up to him and tell him no because he had quashed all my previous choices and then I was left with no option than to say yes. I wish that I could go back and find the strength inside myself that was hiding and protecting itself and used it to stand up to him and tell him that it was my choice but I couldn’t and I didn’t have the support to either.

The reality is that when we make a choice that leads to being in an abusive relationship we ourselves don’t understand the impact that it will have on us until it is too late and we are already so consumed and used up by them that there is almost nothing left of us. We also don’t understand at the beginning that no one outside of what is happening to us will understand completely what we are going through because they don’t see the dark side that is thrown onto us. Those outside us will see the charming and confident person we chose to be with and they will question us and say that we are not telling the truth or they will not believe that this person could be so bad because they don’t portray it outwardly. Our significant other will tear us down to the point of us being a shell of what we were before and then when we finally find the strength to stand up for ourselves we will question our decision and have the fear and doubt sowed into us so that we become unsure of our certainty. There is no easy way to say what is happening or what has happened to us and there is no easy way to prove what has happened.

I wish I could turn back time and know then what I know now. Any time he hit me or hurt me and I was going to tell someone or he was worried I would call the police because he had hurt me severely enough; he would tell me that if I told anyone child services would take the kids away and I would never see them again. At the time I was too naive to understand that this wouldn’t happen because I didn’t know anything about the system. He was the only sense of truth that I had and when he told me this he sowed the fear in me that something bad would happen and I would lose the kids because I had been told so often that it was my fault. Even when I left and I was talking to a domestic abuse counsellor I was so afraid to call child services and tell them what I had been through because I was terrified to losing my children. My counsellor had to talk me through what the reality of the situation and what would happen and she was there the entire time with me to make sure that I felt safe and still I wasn’t sure that they wouldn’t decide that they were going to take my kids away.

As my divorce progresses and the amount of times I’ve had to go in front of a judge and plead my case increase and go back and fix things that he’s lied about continues to pile up I think to myself it would be so much easier if none of this had ever happened. It plagues my mind and I find myself wishing for a different story. I know that I would lose my kids and that I wouldn’t be as strong as I am now and I know that I would probably be a different person completely if I hadn’t gone through what I did. There is nothing easy about my experience and as much as I wish things were different; at the same time I don’t. I wouldn’t ever want to lose my kids because I hadn’t had them, I wouldn’t want to lose the second chance I was given with the man I love and I’m supposed to be with. I wouldn’t want to lose the strength I’ve developed because of what I’ve been through and so as much as I think about turning back time and wishing that I could do things over, I don’t because I wouldn’t want to lose who I’ve become because of it all.