Logic Verses Kindness to Solve Life Problems

“You know what? I quit.” This was what I thought, but I refused to. I was definitely not going to say it out loud; that would only encourage Charlie.

This debate is essential, even long after the audience has gone home. Charlie and I were making a decision about something we had a problem with in the past. I thought we resolved it long ago, but apparently not.

“Amiee, you just like to please people too much. If you are going to get ahead in life, you need to be more aggressive when you stand up for yourself. Otherwise, your kindness will always be taken advantage of,” Charlie said, bringing me back into our heated argument.

My throat was sore, like I had been stumbling in the desert searching for water instead of talking with Charlie. “Let’s just forget it. It has been such a long time since we’ve talked. Besides, I have made more progress than you think.”

“No, you haven’t, Amiee,” Charlie smirked back as if he continues to know my inner thoughts. Charlie missed the five years of intensive mental health treatment to help me reach this point. He only came here as a participant like me for this talent show of debates on real-life problems. Once again, we were placed as rivals. And again, Charlie’s smooth and flawless performance earned him the audience eating out of his hand from a logical perspective. It did not help that Charlie picked the topic: “Kindness is weakening mankind.” Naturally, Charlie would choose something that I am passionate about and use our history as a weapon to throw me off my game. But the biggest problem for Charlie is that he does not like to lose, as the judges awarded me the victory. And now I am stuck on continuing our debate.

“Charlie, one of these years you will need to grow a heart. Kindness is critical for humanity’s survival,” as I locked eyes with him.

Charlie started laughing, “Wearing your heart on your sleeve only makes it vulnerable to bleeding. No, thank you! I would rather use my wit and logic to help humanity. Kindness is overrated, and it has no purpose for solving real-life problems.” Charlie glared back at me as if he was daring me to finally come to my senses and agree that solution-oriented folks value logic more than kindness.

Yes, Charlie had set this up very nicely, as I struggle to get some leverage in this debate. “You did not seem to mind when you were the one needing kindness when we first met. Would you rather I not befriend you when you were being bullied?”

I watched Charlie’s proud shoulders sag as his height decreased by a few centimeters, but it felt like he stopped standing on his soapbox. Bringing Charlie’s hurtful past into this conversation felt like I was being really unkind. But I wondered if Charlie did not see how kindness helped him during a time in his life. I hoped Charlie would recognize that he benefited from such kindness, even if it was like a mustard seed. I told myself that if Charlie could express this or another period where kindness impacted him, then Charlie would have a personalized experience where kindness helped with the problem of bullying. I hoped that this solidarity time could be easily seen elsewhere. After all, many people struggling with current life problems need people around them to be kind. Surely, Charlie could see the benefit that kindness is one element required in any solution.

Charlie shifted, his eyes darting all over. It was like he was playing a video game in which the person’s eyes are the controllers.

After a while, I felt so awkward and uncomfortable. Hopefully, Charlie does not think that I am gaslighting him. Maybe I should not have brought up Charlie’s past. I do not know if he did any work around handling this trauma. Heavens forbid! How could I have slumped so low? Our debate was around how kindness is the solution to most life problems. Here I am using a tactic of something that could be seen as unkind, and even worse, it can quickly escalate into something that I really do not want: Adding to Charlie’s trauma. Auuggh!!! I can’t believe I am such an awful friend.

Charlie’s expressions started to show discomfort. It was like his brain finally registered being standing on a cactus or on a hot surface. Charlie's look seemed to reflect his younger self all those years ago.

Pained! I had to choose: Do I break the silence or hold fast? If I decide to speak, do I apologize for making Charlie uncomfortable? If I choose not to say, can I be fine with Charlie accusing me of being heartless? Such a pickle! Why did I agree to meet with him afterwards? I could have avoided this prolonged debate with someone who refused to lose.

There’s only one option that I can do right now. I need to be kind to myself. If I want to have an opportunity to discuss kindness, I must give this to myself first.

I breathed in deeply, slowly. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I exhaled, like I had practiced. A gentle breath to ripple the flame, but not putting it out. I continued this practice of self-kindness. I imagined that I am charging my kindness battery with each breath inward.

This gave me time to reflect on why I met with Charlie afterwards. I realized that all these years, I felt guilty. If I considered him a friend, why had I not contacted him more? Regardless, I had to admit that I still value our friendship to a similar level as we had in the past. To me, time stood still, and we were back in our childhood town, just talking about what we were excited about. I must admit that I missed our deep conversations and silly arguments. But we may be very different now. I might have considered Charlie a friend. But that does not mean that Charlie felt the same. And I had to admit that Charlie might not have felt that my kindness was friendly during the bullying timeframe.

That hurt! I would rather have the elephant sitting on my chest again. I would rather have my heart bleeding from my sleeve because I so desperately want Charlie to recognize my kindness. I want Charlie to see my desire to be kind to him even now. I want Charlie to feel the highs and lows of what kindness brings to those who practice it.

I damned the tears, as willed them to stay still. I did not want them to start falling. At that moment, I noticed that Charlie had become a statue with penetrating eyes. None of these behaviors gave me a clue to Charlie’s thoughts. But it was clear that something was about to shift. I would prefer that a walled-up eye fluid would remain firmly in place until after this tense moment. So, I’ve decided to look past Charlie at a distant light feature and continue breathing. Until it happened. A flood occurred.

Charlie burst out laughing!

My eyes darted back to his face, which remained a permanent feature. Charlie took another stance, leaning forward, holding his side as he laughed. His laughter changed the tension in the room. With this change, I did not know how to respond. But it was clear that something within Charlie changed. I hoped it would be beneficial. I wondered what would be kind at that moment. I’ve decided to breathe until I am ready to restart the conversation.

“So, what is so funny? Did I miss something, Charlie?” I asked, my kindness battery fully charged, determined to be ready for whatever logic Charlie would throw at me.

Charlie slowly calmed down and took a deep breath, before giving a one-word answer that meant nothing, “You!”

Trying not to roll my eyes, I double-downed to re-engage the conversation as kindly as possible, “What do you mean, me?”

Charlie chuckled and replied, “It is so like you!” He smiled like the Cheshire Cat, as if he had replied to something so profound or an obvious logical statement. Thankfully, Charlie humored me by adding, “You continue to wear your heart on your sleeve. You were losing and decided to remind me of something from my childhood as you attempted to use it as leverage to showcase that kindness solves problems. But when I was quiet, your kindness turned against you. It is written all over your face that you worried your tactic would hurt or offend me. On your face, your kindness attack almost defeated you.” Charlie paused with a puzzled face.

“What?” I asked curiously, completely clueless.

“That’s what I want to know? What logic did you use to keep yourself from becoming defeated?” Charlie said, leaning forward.

I felt that if he got any closer, their heads would touch. Taking a deep breath, “No logic. Just self-kindness.”

“Self-kindness. What is that, Amiee? Is there any logic in it? Or, is it just a gimmick to trick your mind?” Charlie asked with a puzzled brow. He looked like when he shared a new finding or got a nerdy gift from his distant relative.

Realizing that this might be my time to share with Charlie, I took a deep breath as I tried to hold down my excitement. I recognize that I can only share what I know, and Charlie can only accept what he wants. I proceeded with a smile, “No gimmick. And the only logic used to understand that calming the nervous system is a form of self-kindness and preparatory to being in a position to continue being kind.” I gasped for air like I had been under water for a long time. But quickly dunk my head back into the statement before Charlie can rebut. “Kindness solved my real-life problem. I was worried about being unkind. But with being calm, I was able to be kinder to myself. This allows me to have new thoughts. And that is how I re-engaged in conversation because I care about you, Charlie. I admit that I would like you to agree that you see that kindness solves problems. But my friendship with you is more important than what I believe is right. To you, Charlie, I understand logic makes more sense than kindness. And you know, for me, it makes more sense to be kind than to focus on logic. But my desire to have an active relationship with you is logical and kind. I hope you feel the same.” I ended with a smile, trying not to hold my breath as I waited for his reply.

“So, Amiee, don’t want to finish our debate?” Charlie asked, confused.

“I would rather be friends where we resume topics from diverse viewpoints than continue this solo debate with our friendship on the line. I would like to rekindle our friendship. What do you think, Charlie?” I held my breath.

He replied, smiling, “You know what? I quit!”