Personal Growth

“Alright class. Your final assignment due next week, will be a 3-to-5-minute oral presentation about the benefits of group-based classes.”

At the words “oral presentation”, Raven stopped taking notes. She gripped her mechanical pencil in her hand so tight, she felt it indent into her palm. She couldn’t see anybody else’s reaction; she just saw the back of 30 heads in 30 blue desk chairs. Different shades and lengths of blonde, brunette, black, one red, and one purple. She tried making eye contact with Ms. Hall to convey her horror. Ms. Hall, a young teacher who despite being a recent college graduate taught one of the most important classes offered. If Ms. Hall saw the horror on Raven’s face, she hid it well and continued. Raven didn’t hear what she said, her blood thundered in her ears. The thunder calmed when the other 30 heads rose in sync, put their notebooks in their backpacks, and left the room. Raven still sat there. The imprint on her hand would take hours to go away.

Ms. Hall didn’t acknowledge Raven. She packed her things into a thin black leather briefcase. There was a logo sticker of her alma mater on it. She looked up, saw Raven still in her seat, and sighed.

“Something bothering you, Raven?”

Raven made eye contact with Ms. Hall and said,

“Is there any way I can have my final project be something other than an oral presentation?”

Ms. Hall shook her head and gave Raven a pitying look.

“No special treatment.”

“Can I record myself and play it to the class?”

Ms. Hall blinked as if she was considering the response. Raven’s hope was quickly stomped on when Ms. Hall shook her head again.

“Afraid of public speaking?”

Raven nodded.

“Well, you have to face your fears sometimes. It’s good for personal growth.”

“Talking for three to five minutes in front of people I don’t like and won’t see again after next year is not going to help me grow.”

“It will. You’ll see later.”

“I’m the best student in the class. They’re going to grow from my presentation, not the other way around.”

Ms. Hall’s mouth snapped shut, and she gave Raven a pointed look.

“Well, you’ve finally found something to improve on. You have time. I’m sure you’re going to find a way to get through this. Search online for what successful people do before they give presentations. Practice. You’re never going to see these people again after next year like you said. I look forward to it.”

She left the room. The minute the door closed, Raven released the pencil and traced the red imprint in her hand. She felt hot; she needed to get some air. She threw her pencil and notebook in her backpack and walked toward the school exit. She remembered as she stepped outside that Ms. Hall hadn’t disagreed when Raven said she was the best student in the class.

Raven took Ms. Hall’s class because it would look good on college applications. She would be able to say in interviews that she was a team player and could lead or be led. She’d done exactly that. They had four projects throughout the school year. She’d led two of hers, telling her classmates what to do and let herself be told what to do in the other two. The two times she wasn’t the leader, she’d done such good work the other group members had to redo their work. She just had one condition; she never presented the final project in front of the class.

The thought of standing in front of 30 other kids, all of them focused on her, made her palms sweat as she sat in the car with her mother on the way home. The feeling of having 60 eyeballs focused on her, 60 magnifying glasses burning holes in her skin. Having to say full sentences, express thoughts, and prove a point for this assignment made Raven want to hide under her covers. Some people were born for this, like Sarah, the blonde girl who sat in the front, and never stuttered or sweated when she gave a presentation. Raven’s not one of those people. There’s a reason she sat in the back of every single class and never volunteered to answer a question even when she knew the answer. Raven was tempted to miss the final day until she remembered that the last project was worth 40 percent of her grade. She wouldn’t keep her A if she got a 0.

At home, she decided to try Ms. Hall’s advice and go on the Internet. There were a lot of recommendations. Reflect on yourself and see why you have a fear of public speaking. There was no time for that. Interact with your audience beforehand. There was a week left of school, Raven was not going to attempt to converse with any of them. Imagine your audience in their underwear. Raven didn’t need to have a hard time falling asleep. The only advice she seemed to be able to follow was to prepare, practice, and watch examples. She sighed, opened her notebook, and started outlining her presentation.

Six days later, Raven had her presentation memorized. She felt a little overprepared. She’d watched a total of 60 hours of Ted Talk videos on YouTube. Practiced her posture and focusing on a single object in her room while she practiced her presentation. She tried to ignore that she overheard Sarah say that she would finish her presentation tonight, the day before it was due. Raven didn’t feel like a nerd, on the contrary, she felt like she put too much effort into this. Before she went to bed, she imagined herself after she finished her presentation, with no hiccups or wildly embarrassing moments. Then she’d be done and could spend summer vacation in her home reading and writing her college application essays.

Ms. Hall’s class came faster than Raven would have liked. Ms. Hall picked at random, and Raven was thankful that Ms. Hall picked someone else to go first. Raven listened to her classmates say the same things. Her presentation was better, more personal, and Raven wasn’t one to brag, she just cared more about assignments than her classmates did different ways until she heard Ms. Hall say “Raven”.

She got to the front of the class without a problem and didn’t look at any of her classmates. She looked at the projector hanging on the ceiling. She swallowed knowing that she wouldn’t be able to again until she had a drink of water.

“Working in groups can have several benefits. The first on productivity. We’ve had four group projects that would have taken us way longer to complete individually than if we were in a group. Directly tied in with that, is learning how to share. In a group, you have to divide responsibilities so one person isn’t doing all the work. It was a challenge for me, as I’m sure you all know to get used to sharing work with someone else.”

Someone chuckled. A chuckle! This was great, a Ted Talk she’d really liked was one where the speaker made fun of themselves. The audience laughed when she did that. She was doing something right.

“Working in groups also forces you to communicate in some way. If you have an unresponsive group member, you have to find another way to communicate with them. I’m not used to telling other people what I do and I’m sure I’ve sent messages with too much information about my progress that you didn’t read, but it was helpful for me.”

More chuckles. Raven didn’t feel any better. If it weren’t for the projector she wouldn’t be doing as well.

“I think the main thing about groups is that they help you solve problems. Problems that might be too big for one person to handle. You get new perspectives that you would never have thought of because, like it or not, we’re all old enough to be set in our ways and not as eager to listen to new things on our own.”

She felt comfortable enough to take a breath.

“It’s about sharing an identity even for a three-to-five-minute group presentation. We learn how to not be ourselves for a while and be a part of a group and do our best as part of that group. As part of a group, we’re held accountable, and at least for me, it’s more pressure to face one of you than to face a teacher.”

Teacher came out as a squeak. She put her hands into fists, fighting the spinning that began to take over her head and the bile rising in her throat. She was almost there.

“I know that I’m quiet and don’t say much. But I learned a lot from being in a group with all of you and I’ve learned that my way is not the best way to do things. So, I want to thank you. I’m not scared of group projects anymore.”

She finished and was half way to her seat when she noticed people were clapping. Ms. Hall looked at her with an unreadable expression on her face.

The rest of the day passed by in a blur. At home, about to go to bed, she got an email notification that her presentation had been graded. She got an A. There was a comment from Ms. Hall.

“See, it wasn’t so bad, was it? I think you could have a future as a public speaker.”

Raven doubted that. She as glas this was over