Me and Spitz

As I gazed down the dark alley my tail twitched at its end. The fact that I could not control it was annoying to a control freak like me.

Life in the streets was hard but far preferred to the neglect and abuse I’d endured throughout my kittenhood. My burns were still scabbed, and my left leg still crooked out at an angle where the woman had thrown an iron at me.

There was plenty to feast upon down places like this and as I slunk close to the trash bins at this end, I heard the scraping of tiny claws. I noted the fetid breeze was into my face and that was good. Them ratties had an uncanny sense of smell. Hmf, much like my own.

This particular alley was behind an Italian place, the scents of garlic and basil strong amongst the offal in the bins.

I stayed away from the alleys scented with ginger and soy.

***

A couple weeks previously…

I’d thought to myself, Hmm. Many rats here. Not much competition. Hm. No cats at all. A veritable feasting ground.

I’d gorged myself on pork and chicken scraps drenched in greasy sauce and was fattening up for the coming winter quite nicely. I’d heard the despicable vermin in the bins but had plenty to eat; they stayed clear of me. Feeling brave, I tried a bite of some green stuff because it had an oystery smell to it. Blah. Icky. The carrots were good though.

As always, my ears were perked. I edged around a metal bin and there had been a dish there with scraps of fatty beef trimmings. I looked around, uneasy because this was a new thing. But humans were weird and did weird things all the time… the meat smells filled my nose then my head. I came to the dish and licked at the meat. It was fresher than the other alley scraps…and that should have been a sign, a warning.

About halfway through the meal, a rat popped up over the edge of the dish, its nose twitching in the gingery scented meat. I’d been flabbergasted at how brazen the little guy was. My ears lowered and I growled a warning. “Get away, this feast is mine.”

The sleek ash-colored rat said, “You fuckin boob. They’re right behind you.” It scurried away like grey ligthning.

I froze, my ears like radar dishes.

And then, I detected the ruffle of a piece of clothing… right behind me!

I didn’t even think. I ran, my claws scrabbling on the cobblestones, my tail whipping back and forth as my rudder; I heard the clanging thunk of iron batter the cobblestone directly at my back. At the corner just outside the alley a large SUV sat. I scurried under it and watched the Chinese man dressed in cook’s whites leap from the alley. He brandished a cleaver that caught the moonlight on its honed edge. The man cursed in his sing-songy language and took off back down the alley, his slippered feet made barely audible pattering sounds. As my heartbeat gradually faded from my ears, I realized my tail was stinging like mad. An inch was missing, the end a red clotted lump.

I shuddered and vowed never again to traverse the alleys behind Chinese restaurants.

***

So, on this chilly winter night, the alley was festering with rats. Scraps were meager in this season, I bared my teeth to the vermin coming within my hemisphere.

It was very cold. Just the night before I’d come across an old Tom curled up and like a striped, grey kidney bean. He was frozen solid. By morning his eyes would be gone.

After sated, I thought about where I would sleep.

A car engine ticked. Outside the alley a long dark car idled like a great white shark patiently casing a beach boardwalk, its chrome grill gleaming in the lamplight like monster teeth. Its big vintage engine rumbled. As I got closer, I felt warm vibrations waft over my chilled fur and was powerless to stop my hypnotized feet.

Against my better judgement, I crawled up into the undercarriage. As luck would have it, I discovered pitted, rusty patches in the floor pan. Aha! And small holes…the metal flaked away from one the size of my head and I squirmed up into the pitch-black space underneath the rear bench seat. Oh, blessed warmth. My purring emulated the engine noise as slept like a happy bear.

***

The floor under me was rocking pleasantly side to side. It was like being in the womb again.

As I woke, I heard human voices in the car above me.

“Dude! Here, you gotta try this…”

“Dude. I’m driving, quit it. We just passed a cop. Pass it back.”

“Ah-right, ah-right…”

Sssshhhhh…”ahhhh”

There were three humans in the car. The one driving was annoyed but game. There was a second human in the passenger seat and a third in the seat just over where I hid, curled up and in shadow.

“Dude…” the voice from the backseat.

“Oh okay, we nearly there. Gimme the J”

Sssssshhhh.

“Hm, that some good shit G-Rod.”

“Tole you dat! Ha ha!”

The windows were up, and sweet pungent smoke filled the car.

I’m a cat. I can’t close my nose. My head began to swell and throb like a disco bouncy house in slow motion. Rubber balls popped from my ears and tiny lights twinkled at my peripheral vision like colorful fireflies dancing to the disco rhythm. It was terrifying. My mouth was desert dry, my gummy tongue stuck to my teeth, and I realized I was grinning. I swiped a paw over my mouth…but seconds later my lips curled upwards again.

I was going insane.

The car slowed and stopped.

My fat rubber head was swimming. My body felt boneless. I was dying. Fine. So be it. Sleep sleep deeeeeeeep fathomless sleep…a coma.

***

“Hey you.” Poke poke poke on my forehead.

“Whhaaa?” mua, mua, mua, yucky taste in my dry mouth.

“Um yeah. You got stoned dude. First time, I get it.”

“You’re a rat.”

The rat turned around and looked at himself as if decked out at a fancy ball. “Um yup. Sure am.”

I breathed in a breath, and still felt stoned…as the rat had declared. I squashed the desire to pounce upon him, “Wh…” I summoned up a drop of saliva and tried again, “Why aren’t you afraid of me? I could eat you…”

“Um, yeeeeeaaah, riiiiight.” The cheeky bastard gave me a cheesey two thumbs up, like a casino dealer hamming it up for a blackjack winner.

I lifted a paw and was mortified to find myself moving in slow motion, as if swimming through grape jelly.

The cheeky little vermin snickered. “You can’t eat me. I’m your only way outta this.”

“Wh…?” Dang, gotta stop doing that. “I’ll be fine. Just thirsty.” Really, really thirsty. Did I say that aloud?

“Yeah, you did.” The rat dragged over an empty plastic bottle. There was a hole chewed through the side near the top and I could hear sloshing in the bottom. He placed it on its side and when I stretched my tongue into the hole…it dunked in water. Warm, old, plasticky water…but oh man, I would never again undervalue the precious essence of water.

I said, “Why are you doing this? Why are you so sure I won’t eat you?”

“Look Fuzz Butt, I’ve been living in this Cougar for ---”

“Cougar?”

“Yeah, as in Mercury.” The insolent prick placed paws on his hips in a swishy way.

I wanted to bite his head off. I was the better species. He was lowly poo. How dare he condescend to me.

But he seemed so sure. And …

“Anyways…been living here awhile and I gotta tell ya, these humans are nooooo good. Ah- speak of the devils…”

The car doors opened, the chassis rocked, the doors thunked solidly closed.

“Dude! Did ya see that brain matter?!” It was the young man in the backseat.

“Oh man…” it was the passenger man.

The driver said nothing, but his breathing was as heavy as the other twos.

“Ha ha ha ha!” the laughter was the passenger’s, high pitched, girl like. “Yeah, I saw it man. Twas like a Picasso in grey…and red! Ha ha hahaaa!”

“Get a loada this shit. It’s so pure it’s glowin’” said Backseat.

“Dude. Pass it here. I wanna taste.” Passenger, aka G-Rod.

Click. Shssssssssh. Ahhhhh.

“Mikey?” asked G-Rod.

“Fuck yeah.” Shssssh. Ahhh.

Under the seat, I braced myself for the hot boxing of the car. It would be the death of me.

“Hey, Turnip Balls, they ain’t smokin weed no more…”

“Look. Name’s Bugsy.”

“Okay okay. Spitz.” The rat said and pointed to his chest. “They’ve moved on to crack…”

“Cocaine?”

In the dark, my cat eyes saw Spitz roll his own. I resisted the urge to slash his throat.

“Duh,” he said.

“So, what’s stopping me from eating you? Why do I need you? What do you want from me?”

Spitz gestured a slowdown motion with his tiny pink paws, like you see highway workers do when allowing cars to pass their barricade. “You need to see this first…” he turned (bravely) away and went through the rusted-out hole I’d climbed through. I followed him into the trunk.

There were a few more holes in here. The keyhole was a circle, there were a couple of smaller holes where the Cougar symbol might have been. My eyes sucked in light and adjusted a little slower than normal. I was still baked but adjusting out of necessity. Spitz pointed to a wooden box in the corner of the trunk.

He had apparently gnawed through the keyhole, the top was loose. He beckoned me to…

A sharp jaggle and the car slewed a bit.

Raucous laughter interspersed with curses from the humans in the car.

Spitz said, “There’s not much time left, they‘ll be accelerating soon.”

I was confused, but still dazed and found myself trusting the wee vermin’s words. Hell, thought I was dying. Maybe I’m dead and this is just---

“Open it.”

I opened the crate in the trunk.

And stared at the skulls in there. White, eyeless, gaping. At least two were cats. One was a dog, there were smaller ones…

“They will add yours if they catch you.”

“Wh— Agh! “ They collect skulls. And if they find me, who stupidly walked right into their…uh…vision---”

“Yup. You’re next. Unless you promise to help me.”

I was flabbergasted again for the third time in such a short period. I refused to say, “Wha?” again and sound like an idjet. I said instead, “What are you planning and how can I help?” I was amazed in hindsight I’d said those words to a rat.

Spitz said, “I’ll need you to help me home.”

“Wh—” Aaaah! Did it again. “What do you want me to do?”

“Get in the box.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“No. It’ll be the safest place. When in the box, brace yourself against the walls.”

I saw that the box, the crypt, was secured to the walls of the trunk by bungee cords. I nodded, still not entirely sure I was alive or dead or maybe in a coma.

Spitz disappeared like a magician with a flourish of a cape…I begrudgingly admired the wee vermin’s tenacity. As he disappeared, he said, “trust me…”

I did. I got into the miniature abattoir and braced myself like he’d said.

The big black muscle car accelerated up a steep hill.

I heard the young men laughing, wasted…still talking of the night’s escapades…

“Blew da fucker’s eyeballs outta his punk ass…”

“Pass dat you mo-fo! Ha ha ha haaa!”

As the car accelerated via downhill motion, like a rollercoaster, the voices got higher, interspersed with laughter.

In the trunk in the box, I braced myself just as the rat- Sptiz- had commanded. The young men’s voices above filtered through to my ears.

“Dude! What da fuck?! Slow down!”

“Yeah man, stop playin! Whaaa---”

“I got no brakes man!”

I understood in my hidey hole that Spitz had killed their brakes. I braced for the impact, but it took ages coming.

I heard the screams of the young men as they realized they were truly fucked. I didn’t think they wore seatbelts. When the car crunched to a stop at the end of a long downhill curve, it flipped.

I heard the bodies inside the car tumble and wham against stuff- seats, bags…who knew. The car landed on its side. Only me and the rat crept out.

We looked upon the bloody bodies and then looked at each other.

Spitz said, “Look. This is what I do. You wanna come on board, whatev…you’re welcome. I just need a ride back to London if ya don’t mind.”

I had grown to admire this rat. Ugh. I said, “Okay, I’ll give you a ride back to town and think on …hmm, okay yeah, sure. I’m down.