How else could I show that I'm sorry?

Warning *There is reference to assault and sexual assault in this story*

I could never apologise enough for all the things I’ve done. All the things I will do. I know I’ve destroyed a lot of good things in your life. The life you are barely living in now. I always sought out what I pictured was the right thing to do. 

It all started when we were younger. You joked with all of your friends calling me names and I always laughed along. That’s what friends did right? So I would do it back but eventually you all left saying I was mean. I figured I wasn’t doing it right, ‘friendship’ considering no one stayed around. You see from birth you were always loved so much more. So I dressed like you and started acting like you and slowly your friends started to like me too! That filled me with such wonder and joy. I could never fully understand happiness until the moment we shared these people in our lives. I was so confused how could you not be as happy as me. Of course I wasn’t the problem. No, it had to be our friends. I didn’t know what they said or did but it had to be something. How could they hurt someone as kind as you? So I made sure to find them and tell them to stay away from you, they shouldn’t be around you if they’re only going to hurt you! So I hurt them whenever they didn’t listen. It made sense, kids did dumb things all the time. Kaley fell down some stairs, Jamie almost drowned in a lake. Kids are so stupid. I do understand hurting others is wrong. I am very sorry for hurting others but I was a kid! Kids don’t know any better. Then we both got older, at times you just seemed to get meaner. And yet I was always seen as the ‘evil sister’ although it was mainly you that thought that. I was always by your side and looking out for you, yet you didn’t want it. Mom and dad were always gone and the nannies knew nothing about what you liked. They even tried to punish you at times! We both know you were troublesome but no kid deserves a beating to teach them a lesson. So I had to be a good sister and help teach them a lesson, bad people need to be punished as they’d say. It was never too far, a bit of a concussion here, a broken arm there. They were just always so clumsy. As I said I know it was wrong now. But you were 12! They bruised up your pretty little face. At some point what I saw as unforgivable increased. You hate mushrooms and they made dinner with them, what did they want you to starve? I simply had to make sure they never did that again. They couldn’t really do anything after what happened to their hands. I did all these things for you, for your comfort, and yet I was a monster? We grew up and no longer had a nanny so I would cook for you and clean. I loved to help with whatever mundane task needed to be done all just to make your life a bit better and brighter. No matter how much you yelled or screamed at me I simply felt like I was a parent with an angsty teen sister. The problems started occurring when you got a boyfriend. Each one lasted a few months but they slowly got worse and worse and worse. Until that one night I overheard the newest one yelling. I went into the living room and there he was, touching you, . . . hurting you. You told him to stop but he didn’t. What was I supposed to do? Watch. . . Watch him grasp at you, and maim you. I was in the kitchen, did you not want me to stop him. So I went over and stabbed him. He turned into an insect in a second. Crying, and trying to scurry away. You weren’t happy with me but he was charged with assault and you took the blame saying it was self defense in court. After everything you stood up for me. It felt much better to be loved by you compared to the constant hatred you normally portrayed. You got a full time job and I rooted for you from the sidelines. At this point we didn’t talk much but you seemed to accept me as I was. You got your own place and got married. I couldn’t say anything because you were just too happy but I always felt this itch. Like you were making the wrong decision. I ignored it but, . . . it was very convincing. One day I walked by your flower shop and read closed on the front sign. I was shocked considering you were always open at this time. What had changed? I went around the back and used the spare key you gave me. The back light was on, and your car was here? The main area was all dark with the only light coming through the front display windows. The staff area had a light on, and the door was cracked open. I looked in and saw your husband beating you. It reminded me of when I saw this happen the first time with that other guy. It felt like you were calling to me all over again but this time I knew the right thing to do. I called the police and ran in the room. I screamed into his face and after making myself the new target you took my hand and we ran. You ran so fast but you never let go of me. I loved it. You were safe and strong. Stronger than you were in the past. But how many times has he hurt you to make you run so fast? That was probably one of the only good things I did in my life and I got to hold your hand. But you ended up all black and blue. That’s when I decided I would no longer do the right thing if it meant you’d get hurt to begin with. He went to jail for a bit. You got a divorce and ended up living with me. It reminded me of our childhood and I tried to make every aspect of your life easy and simple. Your flower shop was staying afloat and I made more efforts to keep you safe. I made sure there were cameras in the house so no one could hurt you again, along with that I bought a tracker and a gun. I never thought any of it was over-kill because I simply wanted to keep you safe. When your ex-husband got out of prison he said he wanted to see you. No matter how much I begged you said you simply wanted closure. But he was a weasel just waiting to slither back into your life. I had to lock you in your room, it was all for your own good. He came over asking why you didn’t make it and I had a few words with him. Thankfully he agreed to stay out of your life for good after that. You were very angry and while I can justify all of those actions, I never meant to hurt you to the extent I did. When you left your room you yelled at me but all I could see was that I did the right thing. My brain kept turning and spinning the craziest plans of how to make sure you can live in peace. You got into a car crash and it paralyzed you from the waist down. The pain you experienced from it was simply a necessary evil. If you couldn’t even walk then I thought you could stay safe by my side forever. You still wanted to work so I would bring you to your flower shop everyday and while you were there you said you needed some help. I offered but you refused thinking that I already did too much for you little did you know I would stop breathing just to give you my air. The new worker was a gentle giant of a man. Of course you fell in love immediately. Almost like a curse this guy started constantly coming around the shop. He was tall and had this scheming aura, this man became your stalker simply due to the smile you show being too addicting. You know I would do anything for you. There was no way to make you walk again and for that I am truly sorry, there is no way of fixing that. But I could ensure you and your gentle giant a happy ending. The night your stalker came to your store and threatened you my heart felt as if it stopped. The store's silent alarm went off and I lived down the block and practically sprinted there. Your gentle giant stood like a brick wall in front of you. I burst through the side door and pulled out my gun shooting the stalker. As the cops arrived arresting me and the ambulance took him I felt like I had finally done something good again, and it was all for you. You were safe with your love, and I was hauled away. I ended up in the dark place you thought I belonged in since we were kids. Even as your heart changed over the years I know you still view me as a monster. You still don’t know half of it. I could apologize to the moon and back. But I know you’ll never hear it, I killed someone to save you, no matter how right I think it is you will always see it as wrong. I am sorry Lily. Yet I know you will never forgive me nor fully accept me for who I am. I just wish for you to someday understand I did this all because of my love for you.