Pretend

Dear journal,

So, this was not my idea - to write in a journal I mean. I’m prone to panic attacks and the doctors told me to give this a try, so here I am.

School is great, but I don’t feel like I belong there. Everyone is outgoing, wanting to have fun, not scared of anything. Why can’t I be more like that? I’m the only shy one in the whole school, but no one knows and I would like to keep it that way.

I did make friends, though, but just like everyone else they don’t know the true me. I fear they would reject me if they knew.

Chase

Chase laid down his pen when he finished writing his first journal entry. He did feel calmer after writing. Today was a long and hard day at school, and he felt panic start to rise. So when he got home he began writing just as the doctor suggested.

“Chase, time for dinner!” He heard his mom call from downstairs.

“Coming!” He closed his book, got up from his desk, and went downstairs for dinner. After a few minutes of eating, he went to do his homework in his room before going to bed.

The next morning, Chase went to take a shower. He woke in a cold sweat thanks to the nightmare that happened during the night. He poured the shampoo into his hands and cleaned the sweat from his blueish black hair. He hissed as some of the soup got into his ocean blue eyes.

He finished washing his body and hair, then turned off the water. He dried himself off, changed into a white shirt and gray jeans, and then made his way down for breakfast. Once he entered the kitchen, he saw his mom putting a plate of pancakes on the table for him. He thanked her quietly and dug in. He felt full after taking the last bite of his pancakes. He grabbed his school bag and journal before leaving the two-story house to begin walking to his high school.

()()()

Chase sat in the library finishing up his second journal entry. He didn’t say much, just that his friends were very helpful in the project they were working on for science class. He made sure no one was around to see him write, just like he was doing now. Once he saw no one around still, he put his journal away and took out his homework.

He decided to start with math since he wasn’t very good at it. He solved three problems before someone snuck up behind him, startling him enough to fall off of his chair with a manly yelp.

“What was that, Chase? That was such a cute scream,” giggled a girl with brown hair with reddish highlights running through it, almond-shaped, chocolate brown eyes, smooth skin, and thin lips. Chase blushed for making a fool of himself in front of the girl he liked.

“You surprised me, Sophia. I’ll have you know I didn’t scream, it was a very manly sound,” Chase claimed.

“Sure, whatever you say. Anyway, I came to ask you something,” said Sophia.

Chase got up from the floor and raised an eyebrow. “What is it?”

“Mine and my sister’s birthday is today and we’re having a party at my place. I wanted to know if you could come?”

Something tightened in Chase’s throat, but he pushed it down. “I don’t know. How many people are going to be there?” he asked.

“Just our friends and Lena’s,” replied Sophia casually, like she was talking about the sunny weather. The tightening returned tenfold when hearing the news. Their group wasn’t big, so that was fine, but Lena, Sophia’s popular twin sister, had a ton of friends.

“I don’t know if I can make it tonight…I promised my mom that I would help her with dinner,” he lied, but he wished he wasn’t. He hated lying, especially to Sophia, but his mom was, unfortunately, going out for a girls’ night tonight.

His hands were grabbed and held firmly in Sophia’s soft, warm hands. “Please Chase, you got to come! It’ll be so much fun,” she paused as if thinking of some way to help him around his false promise. “Maybe you could come when you’re done eating dinner. My party isn’t until 8:30 anyway. When do you eat?”

Chase knew he was cornered. He mentally sighed and replied, “We eat around six. So I guess I have plenty of time to make it to your party.”

“Yes!” she shouted joyfully, earning a sharp shush from the school’s librarian. “Sorry, Miss Clear. I’m glad you’re coming, Chase. I’ll see you there,” she said, and then turned around to leave.

Chase watched her go and was about to finish his math when the bell rang. He sighed in disappointment, but returned his homework to his bag and left for the next class.

()()()

Dear journal,

Sophia asked me to go to her party tonight. I’m happy she invited me, but there will be way too many people there. I’m not good in crowded areas. It’s one of the reasons why I always feel shaky after getting home from school. I wish I didn’t have these problems.

Maybe it won’t be so bad and I’m just overthinking it. If I work myself up to it, I might have a mental breakdown. I need to calm down.

Okay, so I’m sure that only my friends will talk to me. That should keep me from panicking during the party. They can keep me detracted.

Alright, I think I’m ready to go to the party now.

Chase

Chase put his pen down after he finished writing and leaned back into his chair with his hands over his eyes. He looked toward the clock on his desk to check the time and saw that he needed to get ready for the party. He got up to change into more comfortable clothes and then left his room.

As he walked out the front door, he made sure he locked it behind him. It would be a bit of a walk, but the cool, night air would help keep his nerves calm as he made his way to his friend’s place.

Walking down the sidewalk with only a few cars going by was relaxing. There was a gentle breeze hitting Chase’s face, like a mother consoling her child. The smell of the moist, night air was just right. Chase didn’t feel like he was drowning or freezing, he just felt like one would in a bath with a rain-scented candle burning next to him.

He wished the feeling would last forever, but Sophia’s house came into view and he knew that it was over. He no longer felt as relaxed, but he still felt zen. That was good enough, it had to be.

He strolled up to the brown door and rang the doorbell. He felt nervous, wondering who it was that was going to answer the door. A young man with red hair and sky blue eyes greeted Chase as the front door opened. Chase mentally sighed in relief at seeing his friend, Elliott.

Elliott’s face was split wide open with a grin stretching across his face. “Chase, glad you could make it! Come on in, buddy! Sophia will be ecstatic to see you,” he said as he pulled Chase into the house with rough hands.

Chase allowed himself to be pulled and dragged over into the kitchen, where Sophia was with another friend of theirs, and Elliott’s girlfriend, Jane. Jane had black hair and gray eyes on pale skin with a tattoo on her left shoulder. They both held a plastic cup in their hands, and Chase hoped it wasn’t alcohol, but he decided not to hold his breath.

Sophia turned to see him and Elliot coming closer and smiled cheerfully at the sight of them. “Chase, you made it!” she said enthusiastically.

“Yeah, I was able to finish my homework on time to be here,” said Chase as he stopped in front of her.

“Hey, Chase,” said Jane with a sly grin. Chase never understood why she always wore it, but he did notice that when she did, he and Sophia were in the room together. “I hope you enjoy the party. I’m going to have a chat with Elliott and leave you two alone.”

Sophia blushed but said nothing. She and Chase watched as Jane and Elliott left them alone, together. Chase was now blushing when he noticed just how alone he was with his crush. There was no one else in the kitchen with them.

“So Chase, how’s your mom? I know it can’t be easy with just the two of you,” asked Sophia.

Chase smiled at her concern. “She’s doing great. I’ve been looking for a job to help her out, but I’ve yet to find one that would suit me.”

“Don’t worry, you’ll find something. I haven’t found anything yet myself, so don’t feel bad.”

Chase shrugged his shoulders with a smile. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

Before they could exchange a few more words, Lena, Sophia’s twin sister, came in and asked for her help with something. Sophia excused herself and left with Lena. As the two girls left the kitchen, five more people that Chase didn’t know came in to get something to drink, but to Chase’s dismay, they didn’t leave.

A few more people entered the kitchen, making the space around him feel smaller and smaller. Chase could no longer hear what anyone was saying as his blood rang loudly in his ears. His heartbeat was pumping harder and faster the longer he stayed in such a closed-in environment. He started to feel light-headed as his breaths came out in short bursts. He needed to get outside, right now.

He quickly left the kitchen and marched toward the door. It looked so far away, but Chase knew it was closer than his panicked mind made it out to be. He was so close to the door now, he just had to take five more steps and he would be out, he would be free, but a small hand grabbed his wrist tightly, forcing him to stop in his tracks.

Chase felt his heart skip a beat as he spun around to see who grabbed him. He didn’t know the young woman, but her face was flush, and her hair wild. Chase could smell the alcohol on her breath as she pressed herself against him.

“Hello there, handsome,” she slurred, but Chase couldn’t make out any more of her words. Her mouth moved, but he could no longer process. He saw black creeping up at the edge of his vision, but he also saw the girl lean in closer with duck lips.

Chase could no longer hold back his panic attack as it clawed its way out like a starving beast. He shoved the girl away, harder than he would have intended if his attack hadn’t surfaced. He needed to get out, go home, and be somewhere safe.

“LEAVE ME ALONE!” he shouted in a frantic voice and slammed the door open, not bothering to close it behind him.

“Chase!” he faintly heard the voices of his friends call out to him as he ran, but he didn’t stop. He kept running blindly, luckily not getting hit by a car as he made his way back to his house. He dropped his keys a few times as he tried to unlock the front door. He finally got it open and tore in, closing the door behind him with the lock clicking back into place.

Chase pressed his back against the white, metal door, panting in both physical and mental exhaustion. He slid down the length of the front door and brought his knees up to his chest, wrapping his trembling arms around them. He closed his eyes tight, picturing baby birds sleeping peacefully under their mother’s feathers. He pictured himself as one of those baby birds and his mom protecting him from the outside world.

‘You are fine. You are fine. You are safe just like a bird,’ Chase kept repeating in his mind. He had done this thousands of times in the past, since the day he had his first panic attack. He was forever grateful to his psychiatrist for this meditation exercise.

Finally, his breathing and heartbeat slowed down to a normal level, but he hadn’t moved from his position. His head snapped up when a knock from behind him was heard.

“Chase, you in there, buddy?” He heard Elliott’s voice from the other side of the door.

He got up slowly, turned around, and opened the door a crack. He could see all his friends on the other side.

“What are you doing here?” he asked them quietly.

“We were worried, Chase. You ran off in a panic. Are you okay?” asked Sophia worriedly.

“I-I don’t want to talk about it,” he said softly.

Jane stepped forward. “Can we come in?” she requested.

Chase didn’t make a move to let them in or shut the door in their faces. He knew that he was going to end up telling his friends the truth about him, but he was scared. He took a deep breath and then opened the door wider for them to come in.

Sophia, Jane, and Elliott came in and surrounded Chase, but respected his personal space as he closed the door again.

“Let’s go into the living room,” Chase said, leading them to the room.

They all sat down, Sophia sitting next to Chase while Jane and Elliott sat across from them. Sophia held Chase’s hand and asked again what happened back at the party. Chase took another lungful of oxygen to calm his fried nerves and began his story.

“I didn’t want you all to find out this way, but I’m not really who you think I am. Ever since I was little, I’ve been shy and scared of everything, making me prone to anxiety attacks. I had to see doctors for most of my life to help me have a somewhat normal life, but even now it’s hard and it only got worse since I started high school where everyone is an extrovert. I wanted to tell you, but I was scared of losing you guys. I thought that you wouldn’t want someone like me, who wasn’t outgoing or a jock,” he said, hoping that his words came out clear and loud enough for them to understand. He opened his mouth to say more, but he couldn’t think of what else he could say, so he closed it and stared down at his intertwined hands.

Sophia wrapped her thin arms around Chase with tears in her eyes. Chase’s eyes widened in surprise, not understanding why she was crying. He rubbed his hand on her back in small circles, asking her what was wrong. He looked up to his other two friends and saw that Jane also looked close to tears, but gave him a small smile. Elliott got up from his seat and came over to look him in the eyes.

“You didn’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not, Chase. You could have told us, and we would have accepted you in a heartbeat,” he said.

Jane nodded her head in agreement. “Yeah Chase, besides I think we kind of knew all along you were shy. You’re not that good of an actor,” she said.

Chase was shocked. He thought he was a great actor. He had everyone else in the school fooled.

Sophia pulled away sniffling and wiping her face. She locked eyes with Chase and said, “I knew you were hiding something, but I didn’t think it was this bad. I wish I knew. If I did, I would have asked for just us to be together for my birthday. I’m sorry you have to go through that, Chase.”

“N-no, it’s fine, please don’t pity me. I’ve learned to live with it,” he said.

Sophia giggled, “Right, sorry. I know that a lot of people don’t like pity. I’ll work on it.”

Chase shook his head. “I’m the one that should be apologizing, Sophia. I ruined your party.”

“It’s fine,” she said, waving his apology off. “You’re more important to me than how old I’m getting, after all. If you really want to make up for it, why don’t we have the rest of my party here with just us?” she offered with a beaming smile.

“You’re lucky I have snacks and games here or else it would be boring,” Chase said with a sigh, but a happy grin formed on his face as his friends laughed.

“Let’s party!” exclaimed Elliott with his fist thrown up into the air.

“I second that!” said Jane with a wide grin.

“Alright, I’ll get the snacks. Elliott, you get the games ready,” said Chase as he got up to get Sophia’s party started. The four friends enjoyed the rest of the night, but they all were found asleep in the living room by Chase’s mom a few hours later, who smiled and gave them all blankets before heading to bed herself.