11/24/11

   7/3/24

Stupid journal,

Why do I have to write this? I don’t want to, but my therapist said I have to. She said I am too grumpy but what do I have to be grateful for? Today the sun was too bright and it blinded my eyes. I am not grateful for that. There were stupid children running around, having fun, and being loud. They kept getting underfoot. I have nothing to be grateful for. So therefore I am grateful for nothing.

          7/4/12

Annoying journal,

My therapist says I have to do a better job with what I write. Why did I tell her what I wrote? I don’t have to be grateful for anything. This is so stupid. Today I had to pay taxes. I am not thankful for taxes! I met an old lady who wanted help carrying groceries. Why should I help her? She should pay me. I walked…you know what I don’t have time for this.

          7/5/12

Stupid and annoying journal,

Apparently my therapist has to view my journal after each week. Why should she get to look through my stuff? Isn’t this meant to be private? What should I be grateful for? I met a little girl selling flowers on the road for twenty dollars. Why would I buy those flowers when I could go to the store and get them for less. Everyone is trying to scam me. I met a little boy who was selling lemonade for five dollars a glass. What is wrong with this world? I tripped and fell on the way to the grocery store though someone did help me up. That was nice of them but their palms were sticky. I can’t seem to do this. I can’t seem to be grateful for anything.

            7/6/12

Journal,

I don’t know what to do. Nobody wants to hang out with me anymore. They all say I am too grumpy. If only I can fix this. I just can't seem to write about what I am grateful for not after… No, I refuse to write it down. I just… I just feel so alone. My close y saying I have always been annoying and he just couldn’t do it anymore. When he abandoned me I turned to one of my other friends but they also left… I just don’t know what to do anymore. I wasn't always like this but then… but then… but then it happened. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t know why I came back to this journal. I guess writing things down does help… I feel so much better. Maybe there is hope for me. I am grateful for…for…for UGG I just can't seem to do it. My body doesn’t know the emotion anymore. There is no hope for me.

            7/7/12

Journal,

I don’t know why I keep coming back to this journal. I know there isn’t a possibility of starting anew but maybe I come back each day hoping that this time… this time I might be able to do it. I…I want to try. Today I saw a little girl who got hurt but her friend helped her up. If I look around I can see kindness everywhere and so this time I feel I can do it. I am…I am…I am grateful for the food I get each day. I did it! It might seem small but this means…this means there is hope. I might be able to do it. I just might with enough determination I might, no, I can do this. Even after all that has happened I can do this and I know in my heart this is what they would want for me. Still at times I can still smell the smoke and it suffocates me. I just wish I had done something. NO! No, I can not let these thoughts burden me. It isn’t what they would have wanted. So instead I should focus on the small feat I have accomplished today and maybe tomorrow I can do more.

       7/8/12

Dear journal,

I can’t get the thought out of my head the smoke, the flames, and most of all the screaming. I need you to take this away from me, please make my head clear. It all started on november twenty fourth two thousand and eleven. It was a day just like any other. The streets were crowded but not so crowded that you couldn’t make your way through them. We lived in an apartment, my wife, my children, and I. It was morning and we were getting the children ready for school when the fire alarm sounded. It was one of the people in the apartment. They had left the burner on. We rushed the kids down the fire escape only to find it being engulfed by flames. We hurried back to our room and rushed down the stairs. I was in front and they were behind me. I ran through the doorway to the bottom but the doorway crumbled behind me separating me from my family. I dug through the rubble. Then the screams started and the fire had reached them. I don’t know why the smoke didn’t get them first but all I knew was they were in pain. I dug harder and faster but then everything went quiet. I just remember sitting there with my hands half buried in the rubble when I was dragged out. I clawed and screamed. I made it impossibly hard for my savior. I have never been the same since. I…I…I don’t want to write about it anymore.

 7/9/12 

Dear journal,

Thank you for yesterday. I feel so much better now that I have told you. I want to actually do the journal. I don’t want to be the downer anymore. I want to be happy. I am grateful for my food. I couldn’t survive without it. I am grateful for the home I have been given. I am lucky to have been blessed as I have. I am grateful for the chance at redemption I have been given. It is strange these words seem to flow so much more easily now. I just needed to confide in with someone even if that someone can’t respond. I am nervous for tomorrow though. I have to let my therapist read my journal. I have never cared about something before. Stille I think tomorrow will go just fine.

7/10/12

Dearest journal,

Today I met with my therapist. I had to show her everything I wrote. She wasn’t pleased at the start but towards the end I could see a smile form on her lips and she told me “You made good progress, you can do this,” I couldn’t believe I was doing something with my life. So most of all I am grateful for this chance of a new beginning.