Things I Wanted to Say But Never Did

BEFORE

I have no idea what’s wrong with me. I wish I could be someone else. Every night when I’m trying to go to sleep (which is not very easy) I fantasize about things I really shouldn’t. I think of what it would be like to die, to cut myself. Even writing that down I feel scared about it; why am I thinking these things? I tried to tell Olivia about it yesterday, but then my cowardly self changed the subject. I just want to talk with someone without being interrupted, just once. I wish talking was so much easier. My life is so “amazing”. I’m “smart, talented, beautiful,” have a “good family life”, but that’s all an illusion. I don’t know what I want, and I don’t know how to tell someone that I’m not doing okay. I try to hint at it when I’m at school or with my friends, but because I say those things as jokes, that’s how they are taken. And I’m too cowardly to say anything real about it. I get so scared of the future. Like, how am I going to survive adulthood? I’m shy, I’m depressed, and I’m not a person people would want to date or be friends with. Why would they want to? I’m not outgoing or funny, I’m not talented or beautiful. I’ve never actually been the best at anything. I’ve never been the worst at anything. I’m always in the middle, not good, but not bad. Just once, I’d like someone to notice. That I’m not okay. I wish I was a more likeable person. I want someone to tell all of this to so badly. Someone I won’t feel self-conscious when I text them when I’m not doing okay. So I won’t feel like I’m bothering them. I’d love to tell Olivia, but she’s already been through so much, mostly because of me. I’m not doing okay, but I don’t want to talk to anyone because they’ll minimize it and then my cowardly self will assure them, “Yeah, it’s nothing, I was just thinking, I’m fine.” I can’t bring myself to put this burden on anyone else. It’s my problem, something wrong with me. No one, especially Ivy, Olivia, and my parents should have to listen to my problems.

-Alex Parker 10/20/19

(14 years old)

One thing I’ve learned is that people never say what they mean. When a woman says “I’m fine” it doesn't mean she’s fine. Why can’t we just say, “no, I’m not feeling good and I need help”? But no. We just say “I’m fine”. Even me. Especially me. People are always telling me that, “no it’s fine” but complain to me in the next breath. Olivia told me that she had gotten angry because I forgot to include her computer and bookbag in her homework when she was gone from school. If she had just said, “I wish you would have put my computer with my homework” I would’ve been fine. But Olivia has a way of telling you it’s alright but communicating that it’s not. Olivia herself has told me that she was diagnosed with being manipulative at Kearney. Maybe I’m the terrible friend and I shouldn’t be overthinking this, but I can’t help but wonder what she truly thinks of me. It makes me so happy when she suggests something that you wouldn’t just do with another person, such as a sleepover. Especially when she calls me her best friend. I do love Olivia, but I really wish she would let me express it more. She doesn’t like to be touched at all, and although I do understand that, it still hurts when she pulls away from me when I’m like I’m contagious. I’m so afraid to get close to anyone, like Olivia, because she could leave me at any moment and then where would I be? I like to think our friendship means as much to her as it does to me, and I can clearly see that it does, but I can’t every truly know her thoughts; she's very good at hiding them if she wants to be. Olivia is one of two of my best friends, and she means so much to me, I can’t describe how many times she’s saved my life.

-Alex Parker 11/3/19

(14 years old)

Being me is so confusing. It’s like I’m one person, but then I’m not. I don’t keep the same thoughts for ten minutes. One second I’ll be perfectly fine and everything is right with the world, then the next I want to die and just be gone. Anything can set me off. A simple text from a friend that could be interpreted a billion ways. A careless statement by one of my sisters. Anything. And I can’t tell anyone about it. No one would understand. I can’t even understand it, myself.

-Alex Parker 11/27/19

(14 years old)

Ever since her fight with Elizabeth, I thought Olivia would realize that Elizabeth’s not really one to share your feelings with. She turned on Olivia so quickly and so completely, I thought Olivia could see her transparency. Obviously, I was wrong. Olivia now hangs out with her like they’re best friends so casually, as if Elizabeth didn’t break her heart and bring her ranting to me about her. I haven’t been over at her house in forever, and she hasn’t come over here either. She knows how depressing and obsessive thoughts can be. How can she not realize that she’s hurting me? Like that one day when she completely ignored me until I cried while giving my speech. Does she not care anymore? Do all those days during the summer when she texted me that she was in danger not matter? Does Halloween, when her brother told her he wished her dead, when I was there for her and her mother, not matter? What about Pierce, when she told me everything about her depression, not matter? Does anything matter to her anymore? I told her I wanted to hurt myself and she took it as nothing. She knows that it’s like so why doesn’t she care? Maybe she likes Elizabeth better because she doesn’t send her depressing messages, and because she’s not a reminder of the days she spent in Kearney. Maybe I’m hurting her. In which case, I’ll let her go. And if Elizabeth turns on her again, I guess I’ll be there for her. Again.

-Alex Parker (date unknown)

(14 or 15 years old)

Overthinking can happen with anything. A gesture, a word, a sentence, a text. I don’t know if I have anxiety, but I have severe overthinking. Yesterday, when I got last place in Poetry Out Loud. Today when Peter said he’s taking Elena instead of me so none of the freshmen can gol When Aiden was passive-aggressively talking to me about missing speech practice. It all makes me want to cry. Can they not see that I’m hurting? I want to start cutting or commit suicide sometimes because of them! Can they not see this tsunami inside me, drowning me?

-Alex Parker 2/7/20

(15 years old)

Yesterday was our 2nd speech meet, which started out normal and fun. Until Olivia’s last informative presentation. I was trying to communicate for her to slow down, which she had done for me during my humorous, but apparently I was doing it to big and distracting her because Aiden and her went to Mrs. Harrison, who very rudely told me to stop and that I can’t watch Olivia’s speeches anymore. I get that and I would have been okay with just that but then my “friends” started ignoring me. I got so upset I started crying and texted Olivia that and she didn’t even care. So then I talked to Mrs. Harrison and had a breakdown in the hallways so Scarlett came over and talked to me and I was fine. My “friends” still ignored me afterwards, but then I tried to apologize to Olivia on the bus over text. Then she said I “acted the victim”. I was only sad because they ignored me! I get I distracted her, but did she have to hold a grudge? I’m so nervous for school tomorrow because Olivia will literally ignore me and I can’t handle this! How would she feel if this was happening to her? Awful. And she knows this. Well next time, I won’t be there for her when she needs me because she is breaking me.

-Alex Parker 2- (date unknown)

(15 years old)

We’re in quarantine right now, so we can’t go anywhere very much. But Olivia just posted on her story a picture of her, Aiden, and Elizabeth. She didn’t even bother to invite me and then had the audacity to post it where she knew I would see it. I was there for her for so long, does she not appreciate it? I don’t know what to do. If we go back to school, I think I’ll confront her and tell her how she’s making me feel. She makes me feel so worthless and I can’t anymore. I don’t want to care about her anymore, but I can’t not care. I hate her, but I love her. But she’s not worth all this mental pain.

-Alex Parker 3-20-2020

(15 years old)

AFTER

April 17, 2020

Hopefully this will be my final entry. At first, this quarantine made my mental health decline very quickly, but I think I’m on the road to recovery now. I have started to accept myself and learn that I am beautiful. I’ve stopped worrying when Ivy sends me kind of a dry text or if she doesn’t text me back right away. I’ve learned that I can’t change my past mistakes and that I shouldn’t apologize to the people who made my life so miserable. I feel so free and I don’t feel afraid to be myself anymore. I’ll still be very shy in front of other people, but that’s not a bad thing. But now when someone compliments me, I’ll be able to believe them. Another thing quarantine has taught me is who my real friends are. Ivy will always be in my life, and all I want for her is for her to be perfectly happy with herself. All of these changes in me were like a switch - it all happened all of a sudden. I’m finally happy. Of course, I’ll probably still have bad days, but not as bad anymore. If you had asked me two days ago “Are you happy?” I would’ve said no. And now’d think I am. It’s such a wonderful feeling and my wish is that everyone could feel this way.

Goodbye-

Alex Parker

(15 years old)