Jailbird Blues

“Say something, or I’m going to hang up—”

“No, please don’t go. Not yet. Tell me about school, about English class. What book are you reading?”

“Dad, just stop. What happened? Why does this always happen? Mom is a wreck, and the boys, they don’t know what to think.”

“I know.”

“Do you? Because you just left us. Again. You have no idea what you put us through every time this—”

“It doesn’t matter. None of that matters anymore.”

“Of course it does! We need you.”

“No you don’t. You’re better off without me.”

“Don’t say that. Please don’t say that. You’re coming back, right? You’ll be home in time for Christmas?”

“I’m sorry kiddo, I think it’s gonna be a lot longer than that—”

“But you promised! Dad, we need you to come home. I need you—”

“YOU ARE NOW ENDING LINE THREE.”

“Waterworks. Nine times out of ten a kid picks up and it’s fucking waterworks.” 

“Jesus Gerald, have a heart. She’s realizing her dad’s a piece of, oh hey, check it out! Jim’s ringing. Switch over, switch over!” 

“Gimme a goddamn second, I’m not the flash. Alright, here we go.”

“LINE FIVE, INMATE 35291-858.”

“Pick up the phone, please, p–”

“Jim?”

“Anne?” 

“You’re muttering again.”

“Am I?” 

“Yes. Look, I really can’t—”

“Five minutes. Give me five minutes, hell, give me one minute and I’ll never call again, I—”

“Ok.”

“Ok, ok?”

“I said ok!”

“Righty. So, um, how’s your hip?”

“Hurts like hell. I still can’t believe Cynthia pushed me, and in church!”

“She’s really sorry—”

“No she’s not! She said she was defending your honor, yada-yada, but if you ask me, she’s full of crap! Who’s the one who showed up to your trial every day without fail in 1999?”

“You, my darling.”

“And who’s the one who tells all those hippy dippy podcasters that they don’t know squat about your case?”

“You, my love.”

“I’ve been your biggest supporter since the beginning, Jim, and don’t you forget it!”

“I know, I know, baby. Look, I’m not going to write Cynthia anymore. No more phone calls, no more letters. There’s only you. Every day, there’s only going to be you.” 

“I’ve heard that one before. If I find out that you’ve been calling her—”

“You won't, baby. Cross my heart and hope to die. Now, let’s get down to business. Tell me exactly what you’re wearing this very instant, and picture my hand reaching for—”

“YOU ARE NOW ENDING LINE FIVE.”

“Turn it off, Gerald, turn it off! I can’t listen to this anymore.” 

“But it was just getting good! That guy is a legend, I can’t believe he’s still got it. What is he, like, 72 now? How Jim manages to win over all those ladies…”

“He’s definitely got game, I’ll give him that. And guess who just arrived for a visit?”

“Cynthia's here!? Talk about timing. Poor Anne, I almost feel sorry for the broad.”

“Well the old guy didn’t lie. He’s technically not calling or writing to Cynthia.”

“Very true. Alright, I’m switching over to booth two.”

“This call should be good, if I remember correctly—”

“Shut it! I'm tryin' to listen here.”

“LINE TWO, INMATE 45793-858.”

“How’s the egg mcmuffin?”

“Ridiculously perfect. I can’t stop ordering these.” 

“And you don’t have to. You're in your third trimester and need to eat for two. Speaking of, did you decide on a name yet?”

“No, Tom doesn’t like any of the ones I picked—”

“That’s hardly a surprise.” 

“Oh? Tell me how you really feel.”

“No, I just, I wish I was there. I wish I could take care of you. I miss you.”

“I miss you too baby brother. But honestly, I’m fine. Most of the time. I can’t get rid of these migraines though. The doctor thinks I might have preeclampsia.”

“Holy shit, I’m so—”

“Save it. It is what it is.” 

“Alright. So, how were the Christmas photos? Did you like the Stratford-upon-Avon market?”

“We didn’t go.”

“What? But you really wanted to. Why didn’t you go?”

“We just didn’t. Tom was tired and he’d already been to that market before.”

“But you hadn’t. Did you tell him it was important to you? That it was your first Christmas in England and—”

“Yes. I said all of that and more.”

“And?”

“And nothing. We didn’t go. Period.” 

“If I wasn’t in here I would go with you.”

“But you are in there.”

“I know. I’m so sorry. I messed up so bad, Jess. I think about that night every single day. If I could do it over again—”

“No, no, you’re not going there. Look, you can’t change what you did. You’ll never be able to change what you did. But you can learn from it, you can choose to be a better man because of it—”

“I know, I know—”

“And, I still love you. I’ll always, always love you, baby brother.”

“Jess, I really needed to hear that—”

“YOU ARE NOW ENDING LINE TWO.”

“Who’s got waterworks now? Dammit, Gerald, pull yourself together!”

“I wish I had a sister like that.”

“You do have a sister like that. Geez, Laura is great–”

“Great at asking for money!”

“She makes poor life choices, so what? Every single person in this building, including you and I pal, makes poor life choices. But hey, Laura also makes one hell of a calzone.”

“Well there’s that. Wait, do you recognize the guy at booth six?”

“Naw, he looks new to me.”

“Let’s have a listen then.”

“LINE SIX, INMATE 19282-858.”

“And push, and breathe, and push—”

“Deven, oh, fuck! It hurts! It really fucking hurts!”

“You’re doing great babe, just a little more and she’ll be here. Breathe babe, don’t forget to—”

“If you tell me to breathe one more fucking time—”

“Deven? Deven? This is Doctor Rickson. Remember to say calming phrases, hm? Like we practiced? Your wife is quite distressed—”

“No shit sherlock! I’ve been telling her to breathe and push, just like you—”

“Deven, there's no need to raise your tone. Perhaps you should try breathing in deeply, like this, and then hold for one, two, three—”

“Are you seriously telling me, Dr. Dumbass, that you’re more focused on teaching a convicted felon how to breathe instead of helping my pregnant wife who’s minutes away from popping?”

“Well, I, I—”

“That’s what I thought. Now why don’t you give the phone back to my wife and go stick your hands where the sun don’t shine—”

“YOU ARE NOW ENDING LINE SIX."

“Aaaand that’s enough of that. Gerald, these phone calls get stranger and stranger by the day.”

“I like that guy! He’s got a way with words, and making the doctor stutter? I couldn’t ask for a better start to my shift.” 

“But what are the odds we get two pregnancy calls back to back? It feels like everyone’s having kids these days. Must be nice.” 

“You’re just saying that because you miss Martha. Go on, give your wife a call. I’ll cover for you.”

“I can’t. You know I can’t. She wouldn’t want to hear from me.”

“I bet she would. But you’ll never know until you try. Hey, pass me that doughnut—”

“This one?”

“No, the one on your left, your left! You know what, forget about—” 

“Gerald! Lucas! What in God’s name do you two think you’re doing?”

“Lieutenant Connors, sir, we were just, just—”

“Listening to inmate calls again without direct authority to do so.”

“Yes, sir. I mean, no sir—”

“Well, which is it? Spit it out!”

“We were just cleaning the equipment. Yes! Cleaning the recording equipment, and, and testing the audio range—”

“I swear, your heads are so far up your asses… Just get out of my sight before I write you both up. And if I ever see you in this room again—”

“You won’t, sir, we promise!”

“I’ve heard that one before.”