Better than I Know Myself

 “Sierra, we should dance,” Jeff said without looking at her, trying his best to make it sound casual and platonic. The DJ had just put on “Better than I Know Myself”, one of his favourite Cole Steele songs.

The DJ’s booth was underneath the basketball net that had the double doors that led outside. Next to the big speakers, he had a few effect lights that seconds ago had been throwing alternating colours around the gym in patterns that synced to the music. When Cole Steele had started, the lights had changed to a velvety purple that rolled like slow waves over the gym and clung to every surface.

Sierra was sitting between him and Kate on one of the benches that had been placed around the perimeter of the gym. She looked at Jeff in the purple light and hesitated for a second and Jeff could feel her eyes on him and he swore that the moment before she started to speak would never end and they would just spend eternity sitting at this dance, him pretending to be looking at something while her eyes bored into him with Kate watching and Cole Steele would just play forever.

The first time I saw you,

you took my breath away...

He thought about the time the group of them went to the movies in tenth grade, the first time he heard Cole Steele. He’d managed to sit next to Sierra and was painfully aware of her the whole time, every time she moved or adjusted in her seat. And when the movie was over and Cole Steele’s “Wildfire” started to play over the credits and he looked over at her and she was crying. He wanted so badly to reach out and grab her hand then.

“Well…” Sierra started to say, looking into the sea of couples and would-be couples who were starting to spin awkwardly on the gym floor in each other’s embrace.

But now it feels like I can’t breathe,

because you say that you can’t stay-ay...

Jeff knew who she was thinking about. He tried not to talk too fast. “I know how much you hate Cole Steele, but I just thought...”

Sierra looked back at him, rolled her eyes, and smiled. “Come on,” she said standing up. “I know how much you like Cole Steele and I’d hate to keep you from dancing to him.”

Jeff smiled and stood up, “No, no, don’t worry about it. Kate and I will dance, you have a seat. C’mon Kate,” he said.

Sierra set her mouth and rolled her eyes in that way that made Jeff feel like he was going to melt into a puddle of Drakkar-scented goo. “Ohh, real-ly?” she said, raising her eyebrows.

“Oh, shut up and go dance with her,” Kate said standing up, “I’m going to grab something to drink.”

“Come on,” Sierra said, grabbing Jeff’s hand and pulling him toward the dance floor. Jeff realized that he’d never touched Sierra’s hands longer than it takes to high-five. It was warm and soft and Jeff could feel her nails in his palm; he never wanted to let it go. Touching her made him feel electric. It made him think of the first time she’d given him a hug when they’d had drama class together. It was brief—a friendly squeeze—but he never forgot it.

They found a spot on the dance floor and Sierra put her arms around Jeff’s neck while he carefully placed his hands around her hips. The light swirled into Jeff’s eyes and glowed ethereally behind Sierra.

They started to dance in the customary slow, stiff circles and Jeff’s mind raced, wondering how many times he’d imagined dancing with her, what song they would dance to, and how much eye contact was too much? What should he say? Should he say anything? Should he say anything? Tell her how he feels? How long has he felt that way? Try to explain it to her and make her understand.

For the first few seconds—while Jeff’s mind raced and his eyes were locked on hers—she was looking past him as if she was lost in thought too. Then, her eyes flicked to his and he felt his stomach leap into his throat and he fought the instinct to look away, something he’d done every time she almost caught him looking at her.

He’d tried to move on, gone on a couple dates. He’d dated Kate for a couple of months in grade ten. But even then, he’d been hung up on Sierra. But it was like he was stuck in a hole and he was trying to climb out. Occasionally, he’d find a foothold to pull himself up by, ready to move on. But then she’d do something or say something—Hell, sometimes the light would just catch her face just right and he’d feel that foothold let go and he’d go tumbling back down, back into how he felt about her.

A moment that felt like an eternity passed and Sierra said, “So. What are you gonna miss most about high school?”

Jeff swallowed as he thought about how to answer, while Cole Steele started into the chorus:

I still think about your eyes

when I told you how I fe-elt.

And sometimes I think you know me

better than I know myse-elf...

“I don’t know... Hanging out with you guys, I think.” He wanted to say, You. I’m going to miss seeing you every day. “Getting to see my friends every day. Gonna be weird once everyone leaves for college. You?”

Sierra thought for a second, looking over Jeff’s head. Then she brought her eyes back. “I think I’ll miss how easy it is. Like, it’s just what we do. After this, we have to start making choices and there’s a million—” Her eyes moved over Jeff’s shoulder and something she saw made her stop and her face changed. “—a million ways life can go.” Her eyes stayed over Jeff’s shoulder for a few seconds and then they dropped.

“I know what you mean. Going to school has just been life for, like, thirteen years. It’s gonna be weird not having that,” he said, wondering (but knowing) what she’d seen over his shoulder that upset her.

“Yeah,” she said without looking up and they were quiet as they kept turning. Jeff wanted to look over, to confirm his suspicions, but he fought the urge. He would see soon enough.

They turned a little more and Jeff saw that he was right. Cam and Ashley had just walked in together. They’d started dating a few weeks ago and no one had seen much of them lately.

Jeff could feel his cheeks burning. Sierra and Ashley were best friends and Jeff had agonized over the way Sierra looked at Cam for a long time now, wishing she looked at him like that.

He started to think about that song Mr. McGee had shown them in English class that day, the one he’d gone home and downloaded onto his iPod right away. Tell her. What are you waiting for, idiot? This is it. Last chance, Texaco.

His heart started to pound and he was sure Sierra would be able to feel the throbbing in his hands. He cleared his throat and it jolted Sierra out of her own thoughts, bringing her eyes back to his. His stomach was doing backflips. He felt like he was running to the edge of a high cliff over water, getting ready to jump. “Sierra—I—well, I—”

“Jeff...”

“I want to tell you something. I—”

“Jeff. Let’s not do this now. Not here.”

Jeff could feel something knot hard in his chest. “Wait, wait, wait. Just—”

Ninth grade. Science class. They got put into a group together for a project and he said something and she laughed and she looked at him and... Jesus, the bottom fell out. He didn’t think he’d ever stopped thinking about her after that.

“Jeff, I know. I’ve known for a long time...”

He was at the edge of the cliff and could see over it now, but he was moving too fast; he was too in it to stop. There was no water waiting below, just rocks, hard and unforgiving. He could feel bitterness rising in his throat. “Right. But I’m not—”

“Jeff, I said I don’t want to talk about it.” Her eyes bored into his, daring him to continue.

Last chance, Texaco. “Sierra, I love you.”

She looked away.

“I’m sorry but I do. I’ve loved you since the ninth grade.”

“You can’t love me. It’s—”

They stopped dancing.

“You don’t get to tell me how I feel.”

“I’m done,” she said as she pulled away while Cole Steele was finishing the second chorus:

I know that you’re not fi-ine

And that you need some ti-ime...

He let her go. “I’m sorry. Sierra! Wait!’ She was weaving through the sea of couples, heading for the door and he went after her, calling her name, not caring about the looks. They walked by Cam and Ashley and he could feel their eyes on him but he didn’t stop.

But I’ll keep the candle burning br-ight.

even if it means I don’t get

any sleep toni-i-i-i-ight...

She pushed through the gym door and he caught it before it closed. The fluorescent light from the hall was harsh and green compared to the soft purple light in the gym and made him squint while his eyes adjusted. She was walking fast now, almost running, and Jeff kept calling her name. He was over the edge now and the hard ground was rushing towards him.

She turned into the stairwell and started up the stairs and he kept after her. “I said I didn’t want to do this Jeff,” she said without looking back while he kept asking her to wait.

Jeff was a step or two behind her and they went through the doors to the second floor. It was cool up there and half of the lights were off and it was strange to be up there this late in the dim light. It felt like they’d walked into an empty church. “Goddammit, Sierra, please wait!”

She whirled on him and he stopped dead. There was fire in her eyes. “This is why I almost didn’t say yes when you asked me to dance. I knew it wasn’t—”

Jeff wasn’t sure that he wasn’t going to start crying when he opened his mouth. “Why aren’t I good enough for you? Why can’t you just give me a chance?”

“It’s not fucking like that!”

“Then what?!”

“I said I didn’t want to talk about it!” Diamonds were forming in the corners of her eyes now, glinting in the fluorescents overhead.

“I’m sorry I’m not Cam! But if you just gave me a fucking chance—”

“It’s not about Cam!” she yelled.

“Then what?! Tell me, please! I’ve gotta know!”

They were quiet while the music from the gym thumped below them. She closed her eyes and took a deep, shuddery breath, letting it out long between her teeth. Then she looked back at him. “I can see you, Jeff. I know how you feel about me. You’re a good friend and I love you but not like you say you love me. I know you’d be sweet and gentle and kind. I want to feel differently—tried to feel differently but I just don’t.” She took another slow breath. “I’m sorry, but I don’t and I can’t change it.”

Jeff wiped his own tears away. “Fuck, Sierra, but if we could just—”

“Jeff, you don’t understand.”

Jeff shook his head and laughed a little in frustration. “You’re right. I don’t. You say it’s not about Cam—”

“It’s not.”

“—but you’re so obviously jealous that Ashley is with him—”

“I’m not jealous of Ashley.” She turned and started to walk away

“I see you look at him and it kills me. But, fine, whatever. You’re right, I shouldn’t—”

Sierra turned and her face was red and she was on the verge of crying. “I’m not jealous of Ashley. I’m jealous of Cam.”

They were quiet again for what felt like a long time. Another song started and the thumping rhythm under them changed. Jeff knew what she meant but his brain wouldn’t wrap itself around it. He finally broke the silence. “You mean?”

Sierra just nodded.

Jeff felt an inch tall. He was an asshole. He was so stupid. How long had he loved her and pined after her—wished that he could tell her how he felt, imagined what it would be like to kiss her and how long had she...

“Sierra...”

“I’ve been lying to myself for a long time. Tried to make myself feel differently, told myself I was wrong—” She started to cry.

Jeff ran over to her and pulled her into a hug. “Sierra, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say...”

“I’ve been so afraid to tell anybody,” she managed to get out.

“And I made you tell me. Fuck... Am I the first person you’ve told?”

He felt her nod against his chest.

“Oh, man...” was all he could say.

Sierra pulled away and wiped her eyes. “It’s been really hard. What will people think? What—”

“Sierra, I won’t tell anyone. It’s not mine to tell.”

“I’m so afraid of what my parents will say... and my family.”

“Your parents love you. They’ll still love you.”

“Lots of parents say they love their kids, and then—”

“If they change the way they feel, it’s their loss.”

“I can’t even tell my best friend. What if I lose all my friends? What—”

Jeff grabbed her hand and she looked at him. Her eyes were red and sparkling and she sniffed. God, he still loved her. Maybe it was different than it was now, but he did.

“Sierra, I’m so sorry. If I could take it all back, I would.” He took a deep breath and wiped the tears off of his cheeks. She didn’t need him to be the guy that had a crush on her. She needed him to be her friend. “But I still love you, and I always will. I’m here for you, no matter what.”

“Saying it out loud actually feels like a weight off my chest,” she said. “Maybe I should’ve told you a long time ago...”

“I should’ve let you tell me when you were ready. I shouldn’t have forced you. I’ll try to make it up to you...”

“You don’t need to make it up to me. I’m sorry you’ve felt how you do for so long—”

“Don’t. You have nothing to be sorry for. You are who you are and, well, I guess that’s why I love you.”

She hugged him. “You’re gonna make someone really lucky one day.”

“You are too.”

She pulled away and sniffed and smiled. “Let’s go back. Maybe I can convince the DJ to play Cole Steele again so we can finish our dance.”

Jeff laughed and wiped his cheeks. “Nah, fuck that guy. We’ll request something else. What do you want to dance to?”

* * *

Eight months later...

“Hello?” Jeff answered the phone. He was on the bus on the way back home, listening to Cole Steele on his iPod holding onto one of the poles and trying not to let his backpack slip off of his shoulder as the bus jostled him around him. The city was cold and wet and the sky was grey and flat in the fading afternoon light, but it was still beautiful. Lately, everything had looked beautiful.

“Hey!” It was Sierra.

“Hey! How’s it going? How’s the city?”

“It’s awesome! I love it! How’s school?”

“It’s hard but I like it. But I am ready for reading week. Are you coming home for yours?”

“Yeah, I am. I’m so ready for a break.”

“I know what you mean. It feels like we just got back from Christmas but I already have a lot to catch up on,” Jeff said with a laugh.

“We should hang out! I’d like to meet A-my...” Sierra sang.

“Yeah, I think you’ll really like her.” he paused for a second. “Have you met anybody?”

Sierra took a deep breath and Jeff smiled. “Actually, yeah I have. Her name’s Maddy. We met in Psych.”

“That’s great! Congratulations!”

Jeff could feel her smile over the phone. “She has an Aunt that lives close to home and a car so she’s gonna drive down to visit while we’re off. I’m thinking about letting her meet my parents. The four of us should get together for dinner!”

“That sounds fun!”

He still loved her. Maybe it was different than it was, but he did.

Lyrics are original to the author