Mother

“You won’t be able to go into the street without being recognized. The world will know you by your voice, you will carry this mask like the secret of your name. They shall call you Jocasta, as you will be a queen among them.” His voice had thundered about the tiny apartment, I glanced towards the open door behind him, the faint glow of an airplane nightlight creeping out the room.

“And… what do you want in return?” My voice was a droplet compared to his. I should have stopped then, should have cowered in fear had it not been the very thing driving me. Years of prayer yielded silene, a moment of desperation brought Him. A demon perhaps, though he looked like a man, an important man, in all honesty like someone that could buy out my entire life with a fraction of his wealth. I was meaningless, I should’ve remembered that.

He gave a wicked smile before answering, “it will be nothing later.” A creaking sound made its way out of our bedroom, the cheap bedframe I bought off the old woman upstairs did that whenever you tossed in your sleep, you only did that when you could feel the empty bed and began to wake up.

“The world will know me?”

“In a sense,” he paused, sizing up our dingy apartment, the two dirty plates in the sink, a lonely clothesline over the tub in the corner, “they will know the name I’ve gifted you. The woman you are now will wither, those who know you and call you friend will forget. Even you cannot speak it, should you try, your tongue will feel like burning, and you will choke on the smoke.”

That hadn’t sounded like nothing, but for all he was offering, anything I had to give was worthless in comparison. After all, what kind of woman would be lost? A half-decent cleaner? One of a thousand. A tenant that hadn’t paid the rent on time since she’d moved in? Any landlord would gladly be rid of her. A deplorable mother who can barely care for her only son? You’d have been better off with any other option if only you had one.

The demon extended his hand, and I had taken it quickly, barely half a moment hesitation, before signing away the life I hadn’t hated so much as I once believed.

“Mama!”

I gasped, dropping my hand as I rushed to our room. Fearing the worst, I was met with a sleeping toddler right where I had left him, your face too peaceful to have called out in such alarm just a second before.

“I hear phantom cries can haunt a mother even when there’s nothing there.” The demon leaned casually against the doorway, surveying us. His eyes, alight with what I would call hunger, rested on you before drifting to meet mine. “Let me know if that’s true.”

With that he was gone as I blinked, no thundering storm, no cloud of smoke. Simply gone.

His promise was fulfilled overnight. By morning a crowd was forming in the street chanting the name he’d cursed me with, though I believed it was a blessing at the time. Soon after, executives from a company I’d never heard of whisked us out of our somber home and into a penthouse I’d never have been able to afford before.

You loved it, I think. Most of the time I was gone in some other place with you back at home with the best caretakers money could buy. There wasn’t a thing in the world that you wanted I couldn’t get you, and I never had to worry about you getting cold at night.

It was nice for a while, the glamour, the fame, the lifestyle I’d dreamed of. After some time, I saw you less often, every few weeks and not for very long, you seemed to grow too much in such a short time. Before I knew it my baby boy had grown into a child that could speak in unbroken sentences, you were remarkable.

Then that day came.

In the midst of your breakfast, I came home from an early flight, tired but lucky to see you again. Your back was to me as I walked into the dining room, the morning sun gleaming through the tall windows, caressing the table and warming the room.

I wrapped my arms around my baby, and a startled cry sprung from your throat. You snapped your head to me with fear I had never seen before, fear I thought we didn’t need anymore, and said those horrible words.

“Who are you?”

My heart stopped beating, the air dissipated from my lungs, and I felt my stomach drop. Never had I considered that the person I had made that monstrous deal for would be lost to me.

I am your mother.

The words echoed in my mind but couldn’t leave, my mouth was on fire. A sound somewhere between a cry and scream slipped out in some pathetic way, tears made their way down my cheeks, but those four words couldn’t escape.

You shot up from your chair and ran. I could have chased you, grabbed you by your shoulders and forced your eyes to mine but what could it have done. You didn’t know me anymore, and there was no way to make you, frightening you more would have only made it worse. A housekeeper came rushing into the room, likely to check for an intruder, but all she saw was that demon’s plaything, and quicky got back to work.

He’d said I’d be a “queen,” and yes, the people worshipped me, but I was only a pawn in his twisted games.

Since I was lost to you, I did what I thought best and sent you somewhere you might’ve been happy. A plan was made so you would have everything even once I was gone, you would want for nothing, as I had wanted. I took my time with that, so there would be no mistakes, as I wouldn’t be there to fix them.

Without you, I had no reason to continue with the fame, it wasn’t what I wanted anymore, it was a childish dream and I wish I’d known it then.

So if you read this, I hope you are happy. I don’t know if I want you to remember me or not, I don’t know which would hurt you more, but I hope you’re happy. I hope you’re fed, I hope you have a warm place to sleep at night. I hope you never see the inside of a crumbling apartment again, I hope that’s the one thing you do forget.

I want to be sorry, but deep down I’m not, because at least now I’m certain all my hopes for you are sound. I know that you are taken care of, and I know that I was loved.