I am not alone

*Is anyone else stumped when it comes to selecting the categories? I have no idea...please help! Also...haven't written in a long time. This story is self-explanatory...sorry to vomit on the page. If you read. You are forewarned. Again, my apologies.

I am not alone.

It's like a mantra inside my head. I start to list all of my blessings.

Isn't that what all the positive self help gurus say to do?

I have my daughters. I have my parents. I have my siblings. I have a house. I have a job. I have food in my pantry. I have money in my bank account. I can pay for the bills that never seem to keep pouring in because that asshat stopped paying ....wait, stop, these are blessings.

Pause. Take a breath. I have a car that runs. I have two furry cats who purr and play. I have a friend who calls once a week to check on me and she comes over for dinner and games. She has once been through a divorce and knows how it feels.

There it is.

Divorce.

It is happening.

Or, it finally happened?

I had suspected it for years. My husband and the aide had denied my suspicions each and every time. Nothing was going on. But everything was going on.

Apparently, that adage is true: the wife always knows.

I'd like to blame her. But it takes two to tango. He let it happen. She is a bitch for taking advantage of the situation. Sadly, I feel this isn't his first affair.

All of their dinner dates with friends that I wasn't invited to go along with them because I wouldn't know anyone. Their weekends away with his parents because if I went then she wouldn't go. Their movie nights. Their coffee dates and late night phone conversations. He talked more to her than he did to me; and she made sure to tell me so. She knew we were on a slippery slope in our marriage and she decided to drive that wedge in further.

She was so thrilled to tell me that he confided in her. He had someone to talk to; he really needed someone to talk to as he couldn't talk to anyone else. Just who did she think she was? I tried talking to my husband about how she was crossing a line. How she was an employee and an aide. He didn't want to hear about it. He never wanted to hear about it. My words didn’t matter. We were only surface level conversations; my words had no meaning. Did he feel the same? Is that why he turned to her?

Then, the two of them called a family meeting. A family meeting! They had his doctor, a social worker, a nurse, our daughters, me, and her all in the room when they broke the news.

Did they want witnesses to see me cry? Did they want the medical professionals present to make sure that my husband was actually in sound mind when this decision was being made? Was this his decision or her decision?

The two of them have been working with a realtor for years looking for a house. My husband finally admitted to me that he had been looking, but kept it vague and didn't say if it was a house for just him or for me and him. He could always play with words and twist words so that anything could mean anything. He was always right and everyone else was always wrong.

He told me that he and the aide had considered moving to his parent's house earlier in the spring. This would be just to help his parents out for a little bit. Again, he was vague on the details. But the aide decided she didn't want to go. Apparently they came up with a different house plan.

This must be when they drew up and hired contractors to renovate her house. A ramp was installed on her house. An extra wide door was fitted on the back of her house. Her house was rearranged to create a bedroom for him; a hospital bed was brought in. Aides were hired to help her out. (He is disabled) They started telling people that they were moving in together.

Friends, coworkers, and neighbors started asking my daughters and myself about my husband. They started asking more and more frequently. I didn't really think anything of it until people started asking point blank: did he move out? Is he really living with his aide?

I denied it. I said no. Of course not. Because he wasn't. He was in the house. Come on over. He is inside. I asked him, what are people talking about? He said he didn't know. I asked her, and she said she didn't know anything about it. She denied there being a ramp on her house. They both lied. Lied. Lied. Lied.

I should have known when he told me to stop kissing him. He had an infection that he didn't want to share. He was on an antibiotic. He was looking out for me. Later I found her name on the same antibiotic in his bathroom. For the same infection. It's true when they say that love is blind.

Then August came. I was sitting next to my husband. I had my hand on his arm. I can still feel his warm soft hairy arm beneath my fingertips. His scent warm and secure after so many years together. We were at the family meeting with everyone in the room. It felt a bit crowded. Eight people sharing the same oxygen.

She cleared her throat and turned to me and said those words to me. Her cold eyes staring straight into mine.

"He doesn't love you. He doesn't want to live with you. He is going to live with me."

I don't think a single person in the room knew what to say or how to react.

She continued: "We have made all the arrangements. We have a ramp, a bed, and aides. We are all set."

This was the first set of holidays alone. Thanksgiving was rough. He and his, let’s just call them what they are, girlfriend, were with his family.

But I was too. So I can’t really justifiably say that they were rough.

But they were different. It’s a loss. I didn’t just lose a husband. I lost a family. I lost my identity. I always pictured myself as a wife, mom, and happy head of a family of five. 

We all wrote what we were thankful for on the Thanksgiving tablecloth, even my dad. He wrote, “so many smiling faces” which only I could translate because I have spent years doing crossword puzzles with him. I am thankful for the crossword puzzles. They have given us something to bond over and a reason for me to learn how to decipher dad’s handwriting. He could have been a doctor! 

I am thankful that my youngest daughter was able to fly in and out of NYC during a snowstorm to spend Thanksgiving with my parents and all of us. I am thankful that we were all able to drive in safely from various locations to spend Christmas with one another. I am thankful that we have FaceTime so we could see relatives who live too far away from us. I have so many people and things in my life to be thankful for. 

My daughters spent the holidays with me. We had good food that we prepared together. I am thankful for the laughter. I am thankful for the happy music. I am thankful for the white elephants.; most especially the thong undies with the photo of grandma's face on them. I am thankful for being able to read ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas to my daughters one more time. I am thankful for having had a warm fire and our stockings hung by the chimney. I am thankful I was surrounded with love and hugs. I am thankful that both holidays were also spent with my parents.

I am blessed beyond words. 

I am one of the lucky few, and I am not alone.