Dear Future Me,
Today is a Monday, I hate Monday's. Today is even worst than most. I'm sure you know what I'm writing about, how can you forget something like this. Today is the day and I came out to my parents... I'm finally out of the closet, is it worth it? I guess you probably know. They gave me a long lecture about how sleeping with another male is a sin.
So what if it is? If God doesn't like me for who I am, then why did he make me like this? It's not like I can just change who I'm attracted to. As any straight person to fall in love with someone of the same gender, bet you they couldn't do it.
Anyway, I got on a tangent there... My parents, after telling me that this was just a phase (because obviously love is just a phase), started to pray. They asked God what they did wrong to deserve a son with a thing for guys.
I'm still the same person, I haven't changed. I was always gay, why is it that when I come out my parents see me as a stranger? If anything we should be closer, they know more about me, I stopped keeping secrets. I tried to tell them that I was still their son, the same person I was, but they were too taken aback to listen to reason.
I guess I kinda knew that this was how it would end up. There was no way my parents would accept me. I shouldn't have done this, I just didn't want to hind anymore. I was proud of my sexuality, no matter what other people said. I wanted to shout it from the roof "I'm gay and I'm happy!"
I'm signed up for conversion therapy now. I've done some research on it. There are different kinds, ranging from hypnosis to electroconvulsive shock and some treatments can even be fatal. I hope my parents aren't trying to kill me, but even if it just the milder stuff can be painful. I hate to call anything about conversion therapy mild, but when compared to death I guess it is...
Hey, future self, if you ever feel helpless, guilty, depressed, ashamed, dehumanized, or anything like that, just remember that you are not alone. There are plenty of gay people out there, and there some of them were put through the same torture as you. You are not wrong or inferior just for being gay. You shouldn't have to feel that way, you need to stay strong, you can't let the heteros bully you.
If you ever need a place to be accepted, social media is always a great place. Once you move out of the house, you should go to a pride parade, maybe take your boyfriend...;)
Anyway, I just want to let you know that I love you. You don't have to ever stop being you to please someone else.
Wishing the best,
Dear Future Me,
I've been to therapy three times so far and I'm proud to report I am still gay. They haven't physically harmed me yet, so I guess that's a good thing. Mentally on the other hand, not the best. I mean, I know that they are just lying to 'fix' me, but still, it hurts.
They've tried getting me to "act more masculine" which I don't really get. It's not like I'm one of though dancing, theater, gay kids (nothing wrong with them though). I play sports and most of my friends are guys. I wear mostly sweatshirts and gym shorts, what more do they want from me?
They've given me tips on how to 'talk to girls.' Little do they know that most of though tips can work with guys as well. It's 2020, the world is changing fast. Dating tips can work for both genders. No longer does the guy have to bring the girl a vase of flowers and bed the girl to go out so that he will have to pay for all the food. Do girls even like flowers? What do they do with them? Most of the girls I've talked to say they would prefer chocolate over flowers any day.
Oh, I got off track again. Back to therapy.
They've talked a lot about God and how he disapproves of gays. How if I keep choosing to be gay (as if gay is a choice) then I will go to hell.
I'll admit, hell scares me. I mean, I don't see how someone can go to hell just for being gay, but still, hell is scary. Endless punishment, burning in flames for eternity. Do you even know how long eternity is? I can't even imagine it.
Speaking of eternity, remember when Mom and Dad told me that they would love me forever? I think what they meant is, 'I'll love you forever as long as you are exactly who I want you to be."
The third day of therapy was probably the worse. I was instructed to strip down to my underwear. Mind you, my therapist is about a 50-year-old female. I was resistant, by she threatened if I didn't, she would have the shocks ready for when I came back.
Side note: I still pray. I still believe in God, and I don't think he is as homo-hating as people say. But when I pray, sometimes I pray so that I'll stay safe through therapy. I wasn't ready to be shocked.
So I stood there nacked, waiting for instructions. She said I had to reconnect with my masculinity and that touching myself was the only way that I could. At first, I thought she wanted me to masturbate in therapy, but she quickly cleared it saying that I was only supposed to feel my chest and upper thigh.
It was a strange time.
They put me on medication. I haven't been taking it. My parents watch as I pretend to swallow it, hiding it behind my tongue. As soon as I have time alone, I spit it out. I know it can't make me straight, but I'm scared to figure out what it will do.
Alright, future self, you already know how all this is going to turn out, but if you can... write me back telling its gonna be fine. I really just need someone to accept me and tell me that its okay to be who I am. I'm scared to telling anyone in school, and I know whatever I post on the internet can be traced back to me... what if I end up telling the wrong person... again.
Praying for hope,
Dear Future Me,
I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. Conversion Therapy sucks, and now my parents are talking about sending me to a Conversion camp. I don't think I can do it, I can't waste my whole summer in a place that is almost as scary as hell.
They have started giving me nausea-inducing pills and forced me to watch gay porn. At some points, I've even throw-up and my therapist complimented me on a job well done, telling me I was making progress.
They started electroconvulsive shock. It's the worse thing in the world. I can't do anything but beg, cry, and pleaded for them to stop. It hurts. I can't stop it, I hurt all the time.
I've lied. I told that I was straight. I told them that I was cured. I've told them everything that they want to hear, but they keep the pain. My parents keep sending me to therapy. My therapist keeps up with the shocks. She's gone so far to strap me down on a table and have me tell her over and over again that I liked girls as she rubbed my chest, getting scray close to my privates.
Even if I did like girls, I doubt my type would be people 30 years older than me (no shame to people who do though).
I don't think it will stop, I don't know what to do. I want it all to end. I don't understand. Why would God let me be punished for something I can't even control? I wonder if hell is better than what I'm living through now.
Dear Future Me,
I've figured it out, this is hell. I'm not going to hell, I'm already here.
I have good news though, my parents let it out to some of their friends that I was going to therapy. My aunt was one of those people. Let me just right out the whole story in case you forgot anything.
We were all sitting around at the dinner table, my mom had invited someone her friends over for cards. My aunt was in town so my mom invited her and her husband as well.
They were playing cards, and I was upstairs doing homework. The walls in our house were thin, so I could hear them talking. Then I heard my mom mention that I was in conversion therapy. At first, I was embraced, how could she just tell her friends about my own personal hell?
But then something strange happened. Her friends began to tell my mom how bad an idea that was. Apparently one of her friend's brother died in therapy. My mom promised that I was seeing a good therapist and that I was making progress.
That when my aunt stepped in. I remember what she said, "Sister, you would really risk your kid's life just because he isn't like you? That is just cruel."
"I don't want him to end up in hell!" my mom stated.
"Samuel, get down here!" my aunt called.
For a second I thought that I was trouble. I prayed really quick that I would be okay before I started to walk down the stairs. I was sweating all over.
"When is your next appointment, Sam?" she asked.
"Next Saturday" I replied. They were always on a Saturday, that way I didn't waste any school time. It also stopped me from hanging out with anyone (like my nonexistent boyfriend) and the next day I would go to church and hear about god. It was just another factor that made it hell, no weekend for gays apparently.
"Sam is coming to my house next weekend, and the weekend after that, and every day he has an appointment until you stop wasting your money ruining your kid's life," she stated.
"You can't do that!" My mom shouted,
"I'm the older sibling, I can do whatever I fancy," she replied with a smirk.
I don't know what my mom is gonna do now, but I do know that I'm safe. My aunt even offered to pay for real therapy so that I could feel comfortable with just being me.
Don't worry, I thanked God already, but feel free to do it again if you want.
I know this isn't the end of my gay journey, I still have to deal with my family and at some point, I'll have to tell my friends. I still need a boyfriend, though who knows if that will ever happen. As for now, I'm fine with just being me, the gay me.
Until next time,