Suddenly, I See

‘When I was a kid,” Jamie thought, ‘these pancakes were not sixteen dollars.’

The menu in her hand was thin and long, only a few pages of breakfast foods served all day and night. The Breakfast Bar was one of only three diners that stayed open 24 hours, 7 days a week in this part of town. She and her family had always gone here for her birthday because she declared they had the best birthday cake pancakes. And she always got a milkshake with it.

But that had been a simpler time. She had only had to worry about homework and her friends’ birthday parties then. Now she was staring down the last summer of childhood and the start of college, her new life.

She wasn’t really sure why she was here. Jamie should have been at home, packing things and deciding what she was going to take with her and what she would give away or sell. She should have been dyeing her hair like she and the girls promised they would do. A fresh start and a new look before they left for school.

But instead, she was staring at a menu full of waffles and breakfast foods. Jamie’s stomach rumbled, but when the waitress came to take her order, she asked for another few minutes.

Her fingers drummed the table as she stared at the menu without looking. She should just ask for the check and go home. Heat some leftover Chinese, start the dyeing process, and work on packing. She didn’t fold the menu closed.

The next time the waitress came around, Jamie asked for the Choco-Extreme Stack: four chocolate chip pancakes with chocolate syrup between each layer, and semisweet chips sprinkled on top. She had last ordered this when she was twelve, and her friends asked if it was such a good idea to get that. It was kind of kiddish, and how were they going to make the cheer team if they ate like that all the time? The waitress just took the order with a smile and said she’d bring more water, spying the empty glass.

Jamie thought about the auburn dye in her bathroom and twirled a loose strand of dirty blonde hair around her finger. It wasn’t the prettiest color, but it wasn’t ugly. But darker hair made you look smart. Anna said that, and Rachel agreed, and Katie added that smart girls had the best prospects. It was funny, because at the beginning of high school they said they should bleach their hair to make the cheer team easier. Now they said they wanted to look smarter, not prettier.

Jamie hadn’t made the team. She’d stuck to the choir and participated in the musicals every year. She’d gotten a principal role in her last show. The girls hadn’t been able to make it. They’d been so busy with schoolwork and applications. Jamie was pretty sure that the party they went to instead of her show had nothing to do with either of those things.

The waitress refilled her water glass and said the food would be a few more minutes, but Jamie asked if she could get a milkshake. Chocolate, no cherry, please? The waitress answered that of course she could and it would be out soon. Jamie nodded and pulled out her phone. Twelve messages from the group chat, and one from her dad: ‘U coming home for dinner?’

She quickly responded, ‘no,’ to him and opened the group chat, but didn’t respond to it. Anna, Rachel, and Katie were all together at Katie’s house dyeing their hair, and they were sending pictures to Breanna and herself. Jamie silently wondered why she hadn’t been invited, then turned the phone off. She was starting to feel alright with it.

The waitress returned to the table with the pancakes and milkshake, and left her with an ‘Enjoy your meal!’ The smell pulled Jamie into a memory of her parents and her sister at a table just like this, on a busy Saturday morning. Five members of the waitstaff and her family sang Happy Birthday as they put a plate of birthday pancakes in front of her, with sprinkles and chocolate chips baked into them. On top was whipped cream and a candle, and a milkshake with it. When was the last time she’d done something like that? When was the last time she really enjoyed her birthday? Rachel always had a party for Jamie at her house, and they invited tons of her classmates, but she didn’t get presents from them and it was always so loud. No one sang her happy birthday, and the cake was always vanilla with chocolate icing, usually store-bought. They didn’t even make the cake themselves, with a box mix.

She thought about the beautiful pair of earrings she gave Anna, and the nice purse she got for Rachel, and the fancy shoes she got for Katie, all their latest birthday presents, all paid for with her own money from her job. Jamie thought about how much they teased her, and second-guessed her decisions, and pushed her to do what they wanted. When did they ever let Jamie pick where they would go? Who they would see? What they would do?

Halfway through her pancakes, the waitress asked if she needed anything else. Jamie did, but nothing the waitress could give her, so she just asked for the check. She was going to finish the pancakes, and then have a chat with her friends.

She would not be studying with them at the university they picked. They wanted to study and go into the business world, and that was fine. But that wasn’t what Jamie wanted. She could make a lot of money as a consultant or whatever it was the other girls wanted to be. But Jamie wanted to do her own thing. She wanted to enter the medical field, to help people. It would be a hard and long process, she knew, but Jamie was tired of taking a backseat in her own life.

Maybe the girls would hate her now. They certainly hadn’t valued her before. But they had taught her something about herself, after all these years.

When the waitress came for the last time and gave Jamie her check, Jamie took out a ten-dollar bill and gave it to the waitress. She looked surprised—Jamie was giving her a ten on a twenty-five dollar tab. She seemed uncertain, but Jamie said, “That’s for you. Thank you.” Jamie filled out the receipt, left another ten-dollar tip on her card, and waited for the waitress to finish the transaction.

Jamie took her phone out and sent a text to her friends: ‘Hey, we need to talk.’