"Every Day" by Rachel:)

trigger warning: mentions of suicide.

There are days where I forget what I did, and I feel as if I'm just a normal guy. I feel like I have no responsibilities, happiness, and freedom. But how could I have that, how could I deserve that if I killed her? 

Every day I think about the accident and how things could have gone if I wasn't irresponsible if I knew my limits If I hadn't killed her. It was 5 years ago December 19, 2014, when I took her life and I still think about it every day. I was a stupid teen that liked to party; she was just a girl 6-year-old at most, and I killed her. I made one mistake that affected my entire life and took hers.

5 years prior….

I was looking for Travis so we could leave; the party was getting boring, and I was his ride and wanted to go. I looked around the entire house until I found him out back, too wasted to even stand straight. I only smoked a small part of a blunt, but I was still good to drive. So, I carried Travis to the car and said bye to a couple people on the way out. Travis was so wasted any words he tried to spit out came out slurred. So, being the good buddy I am, I threw him into the back seat, buckled him up, and then headed to the front. I wasn't as bashed as Travis since we'd planned that I'd be the designated driver. Also, Trav needed this; he'd just found out that his girlfriend two-timed him and his brother so, he just wanted to forget about it. I put the keys into the ignition and got ready for the road ahead of us. The house was pretty far from where we lived, and if I'm being honest, I don't even know how Trav had found it. But he did, and now he's going to have one hell of a hangover tomorrow. After driving for a while I felt a bit dizzy, I figured it was because I was just tired since it was around 2am. So, I sped up to get us home quicker. Then I saw the road part, and I lost control of the car. I felt the car hit something before it went off the road and flipped. The car flipped twice, then stopped. All I knew was that we were upside down. 

"Trav? Travis? Travis, wake up!" I called out and received no answer. I tried to reach out to wake him, but I couldn't move. A glass shard was piercing my leg, and I got stuck on my side, unable to move. I called out for help for as long as I could until I couldn't. Tried to keep my eyes open for as long as possible, but they felt heavy, so I let them fall. Just like that, everything went dark.

I woke up in the hospital. I tried to figure what I was doing there, what time it was, and what day it was. I looked down and my body was connected to a bunch of machines and bandages. I found a clock, and it said it was around January 3, 2015, at 4:37 am. It was January? What was going on? I tried to get up to find someone to talk to, but they chained my arm to the side of my bed. While I was in panic the nurse walked in. I asked her what I was going on and she didn't answer. Then I asked again louder and all she gave me a nasty look then told me to wait for the doctor. The doctor came in a moment later and told me, "Jack, you may wonder why you're here. You were involved in a car accident, both you and the other person in the car survived." It filled me with relief when I heard more than thankful Travis was still alive."However, there was someone else involved in the accident. Before your car started rolling, you hit a girl." All colour drained from my face. I hit someone? Slowly, the memory of that night came back to me. It was December 19th, and I was driving back from this party with Travis when it happened. It was around 2am when I felt dizzy, then we crashed, I recalled. I tried to stay composed as the doctor continued. "Her name was Emma Belvrage." 

"How old was she?" I asked, knowing the answer wouldn't make me feel any better.

"She was 6 years old, she had just escaped her kidnapper." I crumbled at his words. I killed her. She had escaped, and I was the one to kill her. I felt my bile rise and asked the doctor for the bin, then spewed my insides out. The doctor went on and said, "when you were administered we ran a blood test on you and found out that you had been high during the accident." I threw up again, unable to process the word he was saying. I was supposed to be the designated driver, I thought I was okay to drive, but I killed a child. I killed a child because I couldn't say no to a freaking blunt. Tears streamed down my face as I tugged my hair, banging my head on the metal post of the bed. How could I be so stupid and irresponsible? After a long moment the doctor went on, "You will have a hearing in court for vehicular manslaughter. We cannot allow you to leave that’s why the police have cuffed you to the side." At that moment I stopped listening because the only I could hear was the doctor repeating that I'd killed 6-year-old Emma.

Present-day…

Remembering that day is always so painful, but it's the only thought that constantly goes through my mind. I don't think I'd ever be able to forget it. I spent 4 out of 5 years in prison; I got out a year early for good behaviour. I had no one when I got out. My family had disowned me, my friends had left me, everyone had walked out of my life. So, I was left to sleep on the streets. I knew I deserved it for killing her, but that didn't make it any easier. If you're wondering why I never call her by her name, it's because when I do, it makes what I did a reality. She had been missing for a year and when she finally built up enough courage to escape; I ended her short life. I've tried my hardest to make amends with her family. I'd go to their home every day crying and begging for their forgiveness. I remember one night it was -20 degrees celsius, and I stayed outside their home all night begging them to see me and forgive me. I did everything I could; I took the savings I had from when I was 18 and gave it all to their family. They refused my money. Then told me the only way they could forgive me is if I killed myself. I took their only daughter, and I had her blood on my hands. So, I considered suicide many times. I even tried to overdose, but a stranger found me while I was overdosing and called 9-1-1. Many days I wished they didn't. I had gone back to her family's home to tell them I tried to kill myself, but someone saved me. All they said was they wouldn't ever be satisfied until I was dead and died a death as lonely and painful as their baby girl did. After hearing that for a long time I had tried to get hit by cars. They wanted me dead, and I had wanted me dead too. You'd think after 5 years I would've been able to live with it, but no. You can't ever be prepared for death, especially if you're the cause. 

I remember one night after many suicide attempts I decided that'd I'd just hang myself. I went to tell the Belgraves what'd I'd do, and they just told me it was about time I made the right choice. For the first time in a long time, I felt something, and that was peace. I felt like I had finally made amends with the family. I made my way to my home, which was a small alleyway, and I ripped some clothes to make a noose and just as I was about to step up; I stopped. I fell to my knees in tears because as much as I wanted to go through with it, I couldn't. Ending it right here and right now wasn't what I wanted to do, even though it's what her family wanted. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I knew deep in my heart that killing myself wouldn't bring Emma back; it wouldn't do anything. That's when I chose life. I had suffered for so many years trying to pay for a mistake I made when I was 18. I drove high and ended Emma's life, and I was so sorry. But I couldn't kill myself because that wouldn't honour Emma's life. I decided from that day on I'd change my life, and even though I can't fix my mistakes, I couldn't let others make the same. It was that day I learned a mistake you make doesn't have to define you. But it’s how you choose to learn and grow from it every day.