This is Love

This is Love

I was only five when I wanted to watch my mother preparing chicken noodle soup. She let me stand on a kitchen stool about two feet away from the stove. When she stepped away to grab some chives from the fridge, I curiously stirred the pot of soup on the stove. It was not as easy as it looked and soon enough, before my mother realized, I spilled the hot soup on my chest down to my stomach.

My scream of pain sent my mother to my rescue at lightning speed.

“It’s okay baby, let me kiss you,” she hugged me tight as she kissed my cheek, and I could see her wince as if she was in pain.

“Mama, it’s gone! The pain is gone!” I shouted in disbelief.

“How did you do it?” My eyes were wide open with excitement.

“With love, because I love you.” She planted one more kiss before she got up.

I don’t really remember what happened after that since my attention immediately shifted to the cleaning process.

More accidents happened from time to time throughout my life, but my mother always made it all better before I knew it. For as long as I can remember, growing up, I’ve never known how extreme pain or deep sadness felt like, it never last long. I can’t help but wonder why Angela cried so much when she fell off her bike and broke her wrist. I didn’t understand why Lucas shut down his life from everything after the passing of his twin brother, Marcus. Even after a year, he was never the same Lucas I knew.

I tried to read from Angela’s grimace of pain. I searched through Lucas’ empty glare and dried traces of tears on his face. Still no answer. Pain and sadness were such a mystery to me, just like the future or love, so obvious, and yet so mysterious.

I felt my first broken heart when I was in eleventh grade, in the back of the cafeteria building. I overheard Sandy Stanton asking Matthew Laughlin if he liked me because he evinced deep affection and kindness since we partnered for the book report project.

“What kind of question is that? Come on now, I had to do that because she is my only hope to get an A and save me from failing English.” I saw Matthew sway Sandy’s hand.

I didn’t know that a broken heart could be that painful. My heart felt like it had been stomped over and sliced into pieces. I didn’t know that embarrassment could feel so heavy on my chest, even when nobody actually saw me doing anything silly. All those combined, it turned into a painful-heavy burden for my sixteen-year-old hormones.

I slipped into my bedroom in tears. I felt the pain for about three hours until my mom found me and fixed me with her love-touch. When it’s all gone, somehow, I missed the pain.

I missed the complex feeling of human emotions. Those pains and sadness made me feel alive. I’ve just tasted life in its natural form and I’m longing for more.

“Mama, how did you do it? How did you lift my pain away?” I asked as I clutched her hands, and I saw tears running down her cheek.

“Why are you crying, Mama?” I was so worried about her that my eyes welled up as well.

“I can feel your pain, sweetheart. I understand everything.” She took a deep breath and wiped my tears but let hers roll down her cheek.

“I’m sorry Mama, but I must ask. All this time, I don’t know how but, did you lift my pain and take it into yourself, somehow?” I stared into her eyes, looking for an answer.

“Savannah my sweetheart….,” she tried to reach for my hair, but I backed away.

“Oh, God! It’s true! That’s why you have those cuts and bruises so often. That’s why you got those burn scars on your chest. That’s why I could feel nothing. I don’t understand things the way my friends are! You took away real life from me! You’ve made me a freak?!” I felt overwhelmed with anger and disappointment.

I felt a sensation inside me I’ve never felt before.

My mom looked at me with a smile, a broken smile. I could feel that she was in so much pain and sadness. I’ve just hurt the heart of a woman who gave birth to me, the woman who raised me with her full-devoted love. She taught me to love life and to live with love. All she wanted was to protect me in the best way she could.

The pain was too much to bear. I fell on my knee. My mom followed me down and took my hands in hers.

“I love you, Mama. And I don’t like it when you’re hurting,” my voice trembled with tension.

“I love you so much more. You’re my flesh and blood, and that’s why I tried to shield you from any pain and sadness life could bring,” she kissed the tip of my fingers.

Like swirling water, we formed a whirlpool of emotion and connection. I could feel her pain, her sadness, and her long-lost love, Rayyan, my father.

“Is this a curse, Mama?” I asked her helplessly. “I want to live my life in its natural path and its natural process.”

“It’s the opposite, sweetheart.” She pulled me into a warm embrace.

I felt comfortable like I’ve never experienced before, both mine and hers.

“So, we’re special.” I looked at the ceiling.

“We’re blessed.”

“We’re especially great?”

“No, sweetheart, we’re just a teapot that was blessed to pour love for someone in need. The one who would provide and prepare the tea is The Greatest One.” She smiled as she kissed my forehead.

*

The morning freshness felt exceptionally crisp in the chilly temperature. The two Goldfinches chirped some tunes that I can only assume as their morning conversation. Perched on the branch of an almost completely bald Hawthorn. The third one landed and perched just right at the next branch. Unlike the Purple Finch, these beautiful yellow birds ignored the berries left on the stem.

I love the scent in the air. The view of the cemetery, which looked much cleaner since my last visit, was something I loved. I could see two staff members wearing white uniforms driving around the cemetery in a mini golf cart, picking up any trash they spotted. Curiosity arose within me about all the dead that being buried down there. Were they wishing for a light to see or were they lonely?

I looked down at the grave marked by a small flat stone.

Albany Florentina

This is Love.

To fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment.

First, to let go of life.

Finally, to take a step, without feet.

-Rumi-

The whiteout verbena, surprisingly, still flourished beautifully. Today I brought an arrangement of white pearl floss and white lanai. My mother loved white flowers. Bending down, I carefully placed my flower on the small flowerbed above the stone. I took a deep breath and placed my hand on the stone as I recited some prayers. I asked The Almighty to give my mother the best place by His side.

It was twenty years ago when she used her special gift to save me on our first and last hiking day. I was so clumsy that I slipped miserably and took down a small tree with me when I fell. Its sharp, jagged-broken trunk sliced me right on my femoral artery. My mother screamed and attempted to call the emergency line, but she couldn’t detect any signal.

She looked at me in tears and said, “Don’t blame yourself. This is my choice. I had to do what I had to do.”

“No, Mama! No!” I tried to move away so she won’t touch me, but it was too late.

She hugged me tight and pressed my wound.

“Share your love and sow more love to grow. You can save a little girl from a jaguar if you want to. You have it all in you.”

“No, Mama, no!” I’m holding on to her so tight, but her love for me was so pure and deep.

I saw blood pooled up on her thigh. “Help is coming, Mama,” my voice breaking as I kept trying to call the emergency line.

“I love you, sweetheart. You’ll be all right. I’ll always be with you.”

I felt a little sunlight beaming on my face and around the cemetery. After wiping my tears, I brushed a little dirt off my pants. I filled my lungs with the fresh air as much as I could. It was almost time to open the café.

Savannah…

I love you, Mama.

Savannah…

I’ll see you soon.

*

I saw Dave parking his car when I arrived at the café.

“Good morning, Savannah! Love the coat!” Dave’s natural charm always made me smile. He was like an older brother who was always ready for me whenever I needed him. For an attractive-successful man in his early fifties, Dave could have been married to any woman he wanted, but he stayed single. When Clara joined us eight years ago, she asked if I knew that Dave obviously had feelings for me that went beyond just being business partners running a café.

“Pfft, nuh!” I answered her in the most emotionally detached way that I could think of.

We both understood not to bring that subject up since then and the three of us together have been running this café for almost fifteen years now.

“Hey, I put up a little decoration for your favorite girl last night,” Dave informed me as he unlocked the door.

“Ta-da!” he gestured at the little corner booth by the window.

A Happy 7th Birthday Savannah silver banner spread out nicely on the wall and a little silver birthday tiara sat on the table. When I saw that banner, I felt a happy sensation as if it was meant for me.

Sweet little Savannah turned seven today. She was named after me because I was the one who held her mother’s hand when she felt her water break just outside our café. I helped her to sit down on the bench while her then husband, Jonathan, called the emergency number for an ambulance.

“What time would they come?” I asked Dave without hiding my smile at the sweet memory.

“Johnny just texted me a while ago. He said it’ll be around 10:30 because Savannah has a swimming lesson at 9,” Dave scrolled through his phone.

“I see.”

Jonathan. It was about ten years ago when I first saw him. The beads of sweat on his temple caught my attention. His white t-shirt showed dampness from sweat on the neckline, almost shaped like a whole archipelago. His wavy light brown hair glossily shimmered in the sunlight. To me, his sweat showed that he worked hard, or at least he tried. He finished his bottled water and tossed the empty plastic bottle into the recycle bin. He gave me a nod and a smile as he got up from the bench and continued his jog.

The next day, he came to try our coffee and was instantly hooked on the flavor. He became our regular customer. Since he worked at the city utility office, not too far from the café, he would make visits three to four times a week. Sometimes he just ordered a cup of coffee to go, and sometimes he stayed for breakfast or lunch. I always waited for him as professionally as possible on a customer and business owner basis.

I enjoyed every moment and before long, my heart grew closer to him every time we interacted. He talked about everything, and I loved listening to everything about him.

“I never thought I could be this comfortable talking about my day to someone other than my coworker,” Jonathan sipped his ice coffee one afternoon.

“You’re special, Savannah,” he patted my hand twice. “See you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow. I’m not special, by the way, I’m blessed.” I gave him a big smile.

“That’s even better.”

His gorgeous smile, the way his eyebrows rose when he’s thinking, his mannerism were just a few things that I love about him. As time passed, my love for him grew deeper. I wasn’t sure if I’m ready to declare that I love him with all my heart, but eventually, I was sure that it was indeed a true love.

However, love was a very complex - mysterious thing. Sometimes, to love doesn’t always mean to have because life is full of surprises. And just like my mother used to say, the great true love is when we can love without hoping for anything in return. It’s hard, but in the end, that’s all that matters within our capability.

So, I watched how happy Jonathan was when he got promoted. I listened to how excited he was when he met Skye and planned to marry her. Our café even catered for his wedding, and I was there to console him when he divorced Skye two years after Savannah was born. And today, Savannah turned seven. I love her because she’s part of Jonathan. I love them with all my heart. Yes, I’ve found my true love in this life.

The birthday celebration was brief because Savannah was tired from the swimming lesson. We all said our goodbyes and continued with our day.

I was wiping some tables when I heard it. The sound was loud and impossible to ignore. I could feel the ground vibrate for a few seconds before I heard the crashing noise, followed by desperate screams from every corner. The black car’s alarm blared loudly and added a horrifying noise to the chaos. The car hood was half open and there was a big dent to the left front side with our now-broken café’s Daily-Special board clung to it, almost hiding the Jaguar symbol. The black Jaguar’s blinking lights sent everybody turning their gazes in the same direction at the front of the café. What a mess!

Shattered glasses and metal pieces resembled spilled cereal on the dining table. The brown metal bench I’ve just cleaned this morning stood almost upright against the hickory tree on the side of the street. Its orange leaves scattered wildly like the aftermath of a confetti party. The big metal garbage bin with its beautiful petal-shaped edges was now wedged against the café’s window and caused lightning-like cracks on its surface.

I could feel devastation filled the air. That’s when I saw Jonathan's back in his gray coat, kneeling over something that I assumed was a person’s body lying on the pavement. His shaken arms sent tremors throughout his body. I didn’t know who it was because of the crowd soon hovering over and distracting my vision. And then I saw it. My quick pace turned into a frantic run when I saw the red shoes on the body. The red canvas shoes with white shoelaces. No! Please, not her!

I felt as if my heart sank into the deepest ocean and stopped beating altogether. Worries and fear smothered my airway, preventing me from breathing.

The scent of apples from Savannah’s wavy brown hair still lingered around her hot chocolate cup left on the table. How did a sweet seventh birthday celebration turn into tragedy in less than three minutes? I saw her little body lay motionless. A little pool of blood forming by her head and a streak of thick blood leaking through her nose and ear. Jonathan put his hands on each of her little arms. I could see heavy pain and deep sadness blurred his usual dapper face. The face I’ve always admired in a person I’ve always loved.

“Oh, what a calamity!” I broke down in tears as I kneeled by her side.

I could hear some people trying to call the emergency line. Jonathan’s eyes were full of tears, and they didn’t shift at all from his beloved daughter. At that very moment, I knew what I had to do, I felt it. It’s like my whole life was destined for this one moment.

I reached out slowly, and I felt a sudden jolt as my hand touched Savannah’s cold little fingers.

“Are you okay?” Jonathan’s cracked voice almost sounded like a whisper when he looked at me through his tears and his right hand trying to reach me before I collapsed.

I looked into his eyes and touched the tip of his fingers. I love you-I’ve always loved you. Another sudden jolt struck me like a bolt of lightning, and I saw Jonathan feel the strike, too.

For the very first time, I finally felt it. The feeling I’ve never felt before, the feeling I’ve been longing for. The answer to all my questions. I felt the warmness, the pleasure. Everything was light and I was at ease, in full peace. I reached for my mother’s hand as she pulled me into her embrace. At last, peace and love cuddled me to sleep, and I know that everything is going to be okay.

*

“Daddy?” Savannah opened her eyes.

“What happened?” Her usual cute little voice was hoarse when she asked a bewildered Jonathan.

“It’s okay honey, everything is going to be okay.”

***

.