Diary of a vampire

Dear Diary,

Dr Williams suggested that I keep a journal of sorts… not sure how much it will actually help this feeling of physical emptiness. I guess here it goes though. I throw up every night after eating my favorite garlic cheesy bread… it’s not on purpose so it’s not bulimia. The doctor seems to think I should cut out dairy but I could never do that to my cheesy bread. Maybe I’ll try to make my own.

Dear Diary,

I tried making my own garlic cheesy bread. I threw that up too. However, whenever I make a grilled cheese, I don’t have a problem. Though I did notice something else interesting: when I tried to go to my friend Whoopie’s house, I couldn’t make myself go through the front door. I just had this overwhelming feeling that I didn’t belong there - it was like my feet couldn’t move. Only after Whoopie said “what are you waiting for? Come on in!” was I able to overcome the feeling and enter. Maybe I’m developing anxiety. Also Whoopie had cut himself while slicing the bread, and I had this overwhelming urge to lick his finger. What the fuck was that? Am I developing a satanic crush or something?

Dear Diary,

I feel like I can hear everything and nothing at the same time. The dog barking down the street, the sound of footsteps, people breathing - it’s like an uncoordinated orchestra in my head. I almost wish people would stop breathing! I haven’t been able to leave the house except at night - it’s quieter then, and the sun on my skin has felt like I burn more easily now. I haven't been able to book another appointment with Dr. Williams so I have no way of knowing why the sunburns are occurring.At least the nausea has subsided. I went a few days without my garlic sticks, and think something in them might be triggering my vomiting episodes. It doesn’t even feel like I want them anymore! 

Dear Diary,

I'm losing my mind. I don't even know if I should write this down. I've started hiding this diary out of fear someone might find it, but I've still been too scared to write what I did two nights ago. It's horrible. I was at at a party.

The noise was overpowering - it was like I could hear people's individual heartbeats, the blood pumping through their veins. I walked outside and was hit by the scent of a dead something-or-other.

I just saw a car drive over something large on the road and continue driving, then I looked both ways, saw the road was otherwise empty, and started dragging the animal off the street so it didn't become more flattened than it already was.

At least, I had thought that was my intention, only when I dragged the creature onto the city-owned grass across the road from where the party was being hosted, I laid down next to it. I saw that it was the size of a skunk, or maybe a raccoon, and it was bleeding heavily, blood in the fur, possibly already on my hands since I had touched it.I don't know what came over me, but I licked my fingers, tasting the racoon-or-maybe-skunk's blood. I buried my face in its fur, continuing to lick at the blood-matted fur until the bright shine of passing headlights shocked me out of my stupor, at which point I stood up and ran home, locking the door behind me.

The headlights shone shame onto me - I was hypnotized by hunger, and the everpresent sound ceased when I had blood in my mouth, returning when I ran home.

I'm either extremely anemic, or a vampire. I don't know what I'm going to do. 

Dear Diary,

I can't eat human food anymore. I'm losing my mind. I've been watching and rewatching that horror movie The Fly to make myself feel better because at least my limbs aren't splitting open and I knew something was wrong rather than assuming I had gained super strength through teleportation. I've been surviving on roadkill, and have almost been hit a few times myself, surveying the highway for kills. I then drain the roadkill dry, leaving viscera for the other animals. Am I an animal? I feel like one, like I'm a member of an ecosystem, cut off from the world of humans.I hope I'm not immortal, though. I suppose I might find out if my luck runs out on the highway.

I'm sorry to whoever reads this - they're going to assume it's bad fiction. I'm such a weird creature, a creature of the night I guess but also just... What does it even mean to be a vampire? Did someone bite me when I was sleeping? I definitely would have noticed had it occurred when I was awake (might’ve even been into it) and now, I don't think anyone will ever love me. I'm bloated, to an uncanny extent, my skin is tinged purple, and I at least notice I never breathe anymore. I'm never around anyone enough for them to notice, just occasionally passing cars ask if I’m okay or state troopers yell that pedestrian travel is illegal on interstate highways.

Dear Diary,

I've lost every connection I had ever had. Whoopie lost contact with me, except we text each other memes and emojis, but never words. He's worried about me, which I hate because if I saw him again I might just bite into his hand until he bleeds freely, slurping the blood up the way I once slurped soda through a straw. I am the straw now. I'm such a monster. I can't even open the door for the mailman because the sound of his heartbeat tempts me. The animal blood is sustaining me, but it's impossible to know how long I'm going to be able to resist the temptation for human blood. I no longer bleed if I injure myself. 

Dear Diary,

I am going to go outside in bright daylight. This isn't living and I've ordered the cheesy garlic sticks from my favorite restaurant. I can fight the nausea. I can't live anymore. The contents of this diary have been written in the span of two months - it took two months for me to go from a human being to a monster. I need to die before I kill. The world will be better off, and I don't think there will be a corpse to clean up.

WTF I hadn't heard from John in a bit and this was what he was writing? He's dead?! This is Whoopie writing now. I can't believe... this has to be an elaborate prank. Vampires would know how they were turned, and would turn other people. I don't know why John would leave this, but I'm going to write in what's left to record my memories of John as a human.WTF I hadn't heard from John in a bit and this was what he was writing? He's dead?! This is Whoopie writing now. I can't believe... this has to be an elaborate prank. Vampires would know how they were turned, and would turn other people. I don't know why John would leave this, but I'm going to write in what's left to record my memories of John as a human.