History in the Stars

To outsiders, their silence could have been considered awkward. The way they meandered through the exhibits, pausing a moment here and there to read the little explanatory placards, making small noises, pointing out interesting sentences... to the outside world, it could have been a boring first date. A waste of time. Time spent purely for the hell of it, because neither wanted to give up the time they’d already spent, nor the money they’d spent on the ticket.  

But the truth was less malevolent. Tom and Annelise had met through friends, both quiet and perhaps a little shy. Tom had mentioned an exhibit he’d wanted to see at the Natural History Museum, but none of their friends had wanted to go. Annelise had said she’d be interested, though. She hadn’t considered he’d be happy to go with her.  

Yet, there they were. Content that they didn’t need to spend hours talking about nothing. Content to spend a bit of time looking at the old statues brought in on loan from Egypt, ornately carved things that to their friends held no value. Even when they’d gone through the Egypt exhibit, and went into the historical propaganda part for Annelise, they didn’t say much.  

Deep down, however, Tom was noticing things. Noticing the way Annelise held herself. How unsure she was of herself, of him, of the space she took up. The small smile that tugged at her lips as she read the Cyrillic script of an old Soviet propaganda poster that depicted positivity surrounding the actual horrors, but the smile that she hid.  

“Ryan said you can read Russian, no?” Tom asked quietly. Annelise flushed – not with pride, but with pure embarrassment.  

“Kind of,” she replied, licking her lips. “The translation’s right there, though.”  

“Hey, I think it’s cool you can read it.” Tom smiled down at her tentatively. “It’s impressive.” 

“It’s a hobby, nothing more.” But, as they turned around, and met more posters to do with the space race, Annelise lit up even more so. And then, she hid it. Tom noticed. He noticed as she moved along the posters her eyes betraying what she tried to hide. And he felt angry. Angry and sad for her, that something had happened to her where the result had been that she felt it necessary to hide her joy. 

Tom thought back to the times Annelise had sent memes or messages into the group, and no-one had replied to them. Her jokes, while he’d chuckled, had landed flat for the others. Her ‘cool’ facts videos had been met with eyeroll emojis or complete silence. And eventually, those memes stopped coming. The jokes had stopped. The TikToks had stopped. But he still saw what she’d liked on Instagram. The little comic panels with the cartoon dinosaurs popped up every now and again, and when the James Webb Space Telescope had been launched, his feed was full of posts that she’d liked. A few in their group had grumbled about it, and all it had taken was just one person to say how those posts on their feed were annoying for Annelise to stop liking them. Tom hadn’t noticed at first, until he’d watched her while they’d waited in line to buy tickets that day, and he’d seen her scrolling her Instagram, and her thumb had hovered over the like button, but then she’d scrolled on by.  

He noticed.  

“What does that say? I want to test you.” Tom held his hand over the translation on the poster, and Annelise bit her lip.  

“It says ‘to space – the Soviet path’,” she smiled. Tom moved his hand, and she was correct.  

“Damn! Nice! What about this one?”  

“That’s ‘The first Satellite’.” Annelise gave a grin, and then hid it. “Sputnik is the word for satellite in Russian. But everyone thinks it’s the name of the satellite.”  

“How long have you been learning it?”  

“A couple of years. Self-taught, for fun.” Annelise looked at another poster. “The space race was what made me want to learn it. I actually wanted to work for Roscosmos after I’d graduated, but they rejected me, since I couldn’t speak Russian even to a conversational level.”  

“Wait... I thought you’d studied languages?”  

“I did. With Aerospace engineering.” Another tight smile. “That’s why I love all the space nerd shit. And planes.” Tom recognised the words that had been used when her friends had mentioned the Instagram posts. “But I studied Spanish. Only language that fit in with the space work.” She shrugged. “It is what it is.” She walked on a little bit. Tom ran a hand through his hair and sighed. They walked on, back to their old routine of murmuring little things here and there about this and that, until the exhibition came to an end, and they were in the main lobby again. 

Annelise smiled up at him and tucked the little programme she’d taken into her bag. 

“It’s been lovely, Tom. Thanks for inviting me. And for putting up with the propaganda exhibition... that was kind of you.” 

“I found it interesting, Annelise. Thanks for coming with me. Nothing worse than going aorund these things yourself... no-one to talk to, or bounce ideas off.” 

“I’ve been doing that for years.” Her laugh lit up her face, but then – as she had every other time she’d laughed – she hid it, and stopped herself. Tom felt his heart break again. “Well... see you soon? Whenever the others organise something.” She’d seen her bus outside approaching, and she turned and started to run for it. 

Something inside Tom snapped. As they’d been walking around the museum, he’d seen all the little things of her winking beneath the surface. Little things that were so, so beautiful – or had the potential to be – yet were hidden beneath years of aggressive bullying and sly little comments. He wanted to see so much more of her. He wanted to see who she was when she was comfortable... because if watching her in a museum when she thought no-one was looking was beautiful, then what lay behind those understandable walls and barriers must be spectacular... 

“Annelise! Wait – wait!” he cried, running after her. He stood in front of her. “Please come for something to eat with me?” 

“Now? I’ll miss my bus!” 

“I know... that’s the point. I want you to miss your bus so that you’ll have to spend more time with me.” Annelise looked up at him. For a moment, he thought she was going to say yes... but she started to cry. A single tear, but the rest held behind barriers and walls and a dam that would probably only burst open the second her front door closed the rest of the world out. 

“Please don’t be cruel,” she whispered. She was shaking. Trembling. 

“What?” Tom stared down at her. 

“I... I can... I mean, I get that you... I mean, I... I understand that I was the only choice... but if this is their idea of a cruel joke...” 

“Whose idea?!” 

“The guys’ idea.” 

“Our friends?! You think – oh... oh, you think they...” Tom closed his eyes. “You think I only came here with you because none of the others wanted to go, and now you think I want to go get some food with you because the others would think it were hilarious if... I don’t know... I had a crush on you? Or vice versa?” At Tom’s words, Annelise’s cheeks flooded beetroot. She looked down, a pain written across her face. 

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “I never said anything because I didn’t want to make anything awkward.” 

“Wait - it’s true?” Tom’s voice was a whisper. Behind them, Annelise’s bus pulled away. She curled into herself. “Annelise? Look at me?” 

“No.” She turned away, holding herself. 

“Then I’ll speak to your back,” Tom said. “Because at least your back wants to see me. And won’t ignore me when I say that I’ve always thought you were sweet because you’re so shy. But today, in there, I realised that the others are so fucking awful to you and about you, because you’re amazing.” Annelise’s head lifted. She turned. “And I want to get to know you a bit more. And if the others have a problem with that, then they won’t know about it. Not until you decide.” Tom held his hands up as she turned to look at him. “And if you still think it’s a cruel joke at the end of the day, then I’ll leave you alone.” 

Annelise looked him in the eyes, her face fully wet. She glanced down, and then back up, unsure of if she even had the strength to keep his eye contact. Because his eyes were everything. Like the night sky just before the sun rises fully... She took a step forward. As hesitant as it was, she took it. And Tom grinned. Then hid it, because he was suddenly conscious that he had something stuck in his teeth. 

“Don’t hide your smile,” Annelise said softly, as they started to walk along the street. “It’s nice. I’m just weird.” 

In the restaurant, a more upmarket fast food place that did really good burgers, they ordered and waited. The usual messages had come through, asking if the museum visit had been a success. But Tom only felt anger when Annelise wrote something about the space race propaganda being cool and almost immediately was hit with a barrage of snarky remarks, the final straw for him being the comment about how she wasn’t a fucking rocket scientist, so ‘let it go for God’s sake!’. Annelise put her phone down, but Tom started a voice note. 

“Bit shit of all of you to drag someone down for enjoying something and being smart enough to achieve something literally none of you could even hope to understand.” He smiled at her. 

“Leave it, Tom...” 

“No. It’s fucked up. It’s so fucked up and cruel it’s unreal.” Tom watched as the dots of the others typing started up. “It makes so much sense now.” 

“What does?” 

“Why you hide so much of yourself away. Because if everyone you’ve trusted over the years does this to you, why would you show yourself off to the world?” Annelise looked at him with a strange mix of curious apprehension. “I saw it in the museum before. The information you knew, but you tacked ‘I don’t know’ at the end to dull it down. The Russian you could read, but pretended not to be able to. The way you’d laugh and then immediately shut yourself down... hiding behind biting your nails, and then stuffing them into your pocket and going for your lip instead... how much more of yourself have you stopped letting show because of others?” 

Alright, fucking hell, it’s a joke! Annelise, if you can’t take a joke then you really shouldn’t have left therapy. - M 

Oh. My. God. It was a JOKE????? - L 

We always get this shit Tom – you can’t tell us you’re not bored with the space bullshit? - J 

It’s a joke, guys, come on... - R 

Tom read the messages. He bit his lip and pressed the voice note again. 

“Are we going to joke about how pathetic football is, then, Ryan? Or how stupid it is to gatekeep anime, Lucy? Or how ugly that fucking jacket is that you love because you’re such a sports nerd, Jack? What about you, Marnie, and how desperate you are for female approval that you’ve literally become the biggest fucking pick me on the planet? You’re literally the only one of us who gives a shit about saving cash none of us can fucking afford to save, yet you’re also happily living off daddy’s money and Ryan’s healthy little diplomatic salary. Take that away and what are you? You’re all the fucking worst.” He let it send, and Annelise’s face was a picture. 

“Tom! You can’t say those things?!” 

“Why? Because they’re true?” His eyes gleamed, a smirk on his face. 

“Well... I mean... yeah...” Annelise couldn’t hide her own smile. 

“I’m sick of it. They treat you horribly. They haven’t done it to me yet because they know they’ll get it back.” Sure enough, as Tom spoke, the chat lit up with messages. 

Way harsh, Tom... but I guess sorry Annelise... sorry if it hurt your feelings... - R  

So cruel... that was really, really cruel – M 

Uncalled for about the anime – I've never gatekept it in my life. But Annelise, I’m sorry that I don’t appreciate the space stuff. I guess Tom’s right. I am jealous. I always wanted to be a space nerd too, but my dad told me I needed to get a proper job, one that would pay well, and that women don’t go into STEM like that and survive. And I’m shit at maths... Sorry again. - L 

I don’t think it’s IF it hurt her feelings, Ry, it clearly fucking did it Tom’s sticking up for her. Is she crying? - M 

Sorry, Annie-wannie... I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but I’m sorry that it did. The space shit’s boring because I don’t understand it... I didn’t realise I was hurting your feelings so much... you fucking CRYBABY LOOOOOOOOOOOL!! - J 

“Wow,” Tom replied on the voice notes again. “So you can all dish it, but not take it? Amazing. Lucy, thanks for being adult and mature enough to admit your mistakes. Ry, I actually can’t tell if you’re being sincere or not... Marnie, no, she’s not crying. But you will be if you carry on as you are. And Jack... grow the fuck up, you pig-headed prick. You look like someone shat in your mouth and you enjoyed it.” 

Annelise snorted her drink at that. The couple across from them looked distastefully over. She shook her head and grinned fully. 

“Why are you sticking up for me?” she said softly. 

“Because you deserve better.” He reached over the table and took her hand. “And I know you won’t believe a word of it, but I do think I’m in love with you, actually.” 

“There’s no way -” 

“There is every way,” Tom grinned. “And I want to know who hurt you. Just so I can go talk.” 

“I... It’s a lot, Tom. Honestly.” 

Annelise wasn’t sure why she felt her walls come down as Tom gazed at her across the table. But she found herself talking for almost a full hour about the friends she’d stuck with over the years because she’d had no other choice to. Friends who’d mocked her crushes, who’d torn her likes and dislikes down, who’d told her straight to her face that she wasn’t good at things she clearly was good at. The amount of things that weren’t for her (anime that she’d watched since she’d been a child; songs; movies; books; music; subjects...) had stacked up over the years to the point where she’d clung obsessively to the things she hadn’t been told she couldn’t like, and hid the things she had been told she couldn’t like. And since that had been happening since she was about ten, and she was now almost thirty... twenty years of being shaped by the jealous hatred of others had left this weird amalgamation of likes and dislikes that left her excluded and included in so many different, cross-referencing groups. 

There were the friends who’d told her that her laugh was annoying, and that her smile freaked them out, or that her eyes were too blue, hair too whatever, clothes too gross... so much for them to hate, and she’d listened and put it all away. 

And then there were the friends who’d treated her like an endless vat of whatever they’d needed her to be. For some, that was cash. For others, emotional support. For most, she was just a tool for making them feel better about themselves by dragging her down. That led her to the current friendship group she had because another friend (a genuine one this time) had introduced her, but then had moved away. The group had kept her around because of the habit, not because they really liked her. Tom had arrived via Ryan, who he knew from school. And Tom hated Marnie. Hated that she constantly felt it was her way or the highway. Her way with money, with movies, with books, with TV, hobbies, the gym... everything. Her way. A spoiled little brat... and one who’d chewed the last little dregs of Annelise out for no reason other than she’d found out that Annelise was fluent in Russian when she’d laughed at a Russian joke in a movie without the subtitles. A movie that Marnie had adored but had faked the knowledge of the Russian culture therein. Tom, on the other hand... he’d thought Annelise was pretty cool. Shy, quiet – maybe even uptight – but cool. 

“And I’ve had a crush on you since the day you first got here. I never said anything because I knew the others would destroy me and I’d have to leave.” Annelise finished her story and took a sip of the fresh drink the waitress had put down for her. 

“That would have been your breaking point? Not the fucking outright bullying?” Tom asked gently. Annelise looked down and nodded. “Why?” 

“Look at me. I struggle to find friends as it is, Tom. Never mind partners... Grateful, not gorgeous. I have to take what I can get.” She looked at him. “That’s why if you’re serious about me, I’ll be the most loving and devoted partner you’ve ever had.” Tom chuckled. 

“But it’s your right to be loved, Annie,” he said softly. “Surely your other partners loved you?” 

Annelise stared at him. “No. You’re the first.” She blushed. 

“Well, then,” he said, grinning. “I’d better make sure your standards are pushed sky high... moy lubov...”